I couldn't help but notice you folks eyeing the Ghostbox Deluxe. She's a beaut, isn't she? Clean lines... striking, yet tasteful. You put one of these babies in your house and you'll feel like a movie star without paying nearly as much as you'd expect.

What do you think she costs? Go on, take a guess.

Nope, but if you halve that amount you'll be pretty close.

That look you just gave your wife sir, if I may, was a silent communication of your belief that this must be a shoddily constructed closet full of subpar ghosts, a knock-off that you'd regret purchasing mere moments after taking it home. You couldn't be further from the truth. This is a genuine Closecorp, the world's premiere manufacturer of themed closets and pantries. It is made of the finest materials. Nails, paint. Wood. Probably some wood, yeah.

The ghosts themselves are in perfect working order. They moan and wail with appropriate restlessness, and they are guaranteed to be 100% human. You won't find us padding our closets with the useless ghosts of simians.

Well yes, this closet does cost much more down the road at Roy's Closet Nook, but I assure you this is the exact same model. Roy has a habit of selling his inventory at an inflated cost to hoodwink customers into thinking that they are shopping at an upscale establishment.

Have you seen the massive American flag flapping about in his parking lot? The eighty footer that cracks the flagpole's cement base every time the wind picks up? First of all, that thing is a hideous and offensive attempt to draw in customers, and I'm very saddened by its effectiveness. Second, do you know how much an eighty foot American flag costs? Hoo boy. I guarantee you that 10% of their profits go to funding that monstrosity. It's a shameful affair, it is.

That's why we went with the eighty foot Djibouti flag in our parking lot. That's one of the poorest nations on Earth, dontcha know. One of our pennies is like a thousand of our dollars to them. We pass the savings along to folks like you.

Good, I'm glad you're confident in the authenticity of our products. I hope I didn't steer the conversation too far off course, I just couldn't bear to see you hand over any more of your hard-earned money for a ghost-filled closet than you have to, especially to an unscrupulous man such as Roy.

You say you're not so sure you want to go with the Ghostbox? Well, we have plenty of other models to choose from. None of them have nearly as many ghosts, you understand, but I'll be glad to show them to you.

Here we have the Moby Dick, a damp and cavernous closet that is an exact replica of the mouth and stomach of, you guessed it, Herman Melville. Perfect for senile folks who seek the comforting familiarity of their mothers' digestive tracts. Do you have any elderly relatives living with you? No? Then maybe we should take a look a model that's more popular with younger couples.

This is the Closet Of Mysterious Angles. Everything seems perfectly normal. All the closet's angles seem to be perfectly straight... but are they? The sign on the door clearly forbids levels and measuring tools of any sort from being taken into the closet, so you'll never know. Such intrigue has been known to spice up the love life, if you know what I mean. Bonertown. Oh yeah.

No, you're not interested in that. I understand. Perhaps the Doorless 3000 is more your style? A closet with no entrance or exit is the ultimate in understatement. You know the closet is there, and that's good enough for you. No need to be flashy, or to use it.

Something a little exotic, perhaps? The G'day Mate is an homage to closets in the secretive and backward land of Australia. As it turns out, their closets are pretty much the same as ours, even if their cognitive abilities aren't.

Nothing's really tickling your fancy, is it? After fifteen years in the business, I'd like to think I have a pretty good sense for these things. My gut tells me that unless you purchase the Ghostbox Deluxe, you'll be standing at that customer service desk in the near future, returning the closet that wasn't right for you.

So tell me: What can I do to get you in this ghost-infested closet today? Your happiness is my primary concern. What if I waive the installation fee, set you up on a no-interest payment plan, and share my lunch with you? Pastrami and rye with one of those little bags of potato chips. No, I can't give up the whole bag... how about two thirds?

Good, good. Now we're talking. Come with me and we'll finalize the paperwork. You have some very important decisions to make regarding the optional flickering lightbulb on a perpetually swinging chain and our slimeproof wainscoting.

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell

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