HIST 2790 - NON-TRADITIONAL JAMBOREE
STUDY BUDDIEZ (^_^;)Webster's defines a "non-traditional student" as someone who waited a few decades after high school, and until their levels of bitterness have raised to near-immeasurable levels to go to college. You'll forget Webster, and call these people your "friends," or even "sir" or "ma'am" after completing this course! Most of our students know who the non-traditionals are by the few that are scattered about the landscape of the campus. They don't go by names, but by titles, such as "the old guy in the purple sweatpants who smells like a musty basement" and "that wacky old bitch in the hooded sweatshirt who won't stop talking about god." After having a class with these gentle folk, who we've collected all in one small and terrifying room, you'll soon know them by "the old guy in the purple sweatpants who smells like a musty basement WHO IS MY FRIEND" and "that wacky old bitch in the hooded sweatshirt who won't stop talking about god WHO IS MY FRIEND."
Take a trip to a land that time forgot, as you encounter people that don't even have a passing knowledge of the basic functions of Microsoft Word! Thrill as they tell you how you don't know how good you have it, as they have kids and you have full access to the on-campus Abortorium (Coming November 2008)! Grit your teeth in fury as they monopolize the professor's time because they believe they are friends with him or her just because they happen to be the same age! Experience new frustrations as you hear questions so stupid you would think no one would be ignorant enough to ask them! Just don't ask the 75 year-old man what he's going to do with his Philosophy degree. He probably fought in the some kind of war.
BIOL 8735 - DISSECT SOME CATS I GUESS
Please meow-der us!!!Don't you hate cats?! I sure as hell do. Now you can take your aggression out on those little bastards by slicing up a new one every day! Pendelhurst University Memorial University has hundreds and hundred of trash bags full of dead cats, and we need to get rid of these things because we can't afford refrigeration units to store them in. Seriously, they cost like $4000.00 each. You'll probably learn how cats work, and also which organ holds all of the ghosts. It's common knowledge that cats are full of ghosts and run on ghost power. We need to get rid of these cats. Students will be graded based on the amount of cats they can tear through in one semester. Do you have a pickup truck? Sign up for this course.
Lab Fee: $4000.00
BUSI 1880 - PROFESSOR BOOK SALE
Don't let the word "sale" fool you; the book for this course costs upwards of $170.00! As a result of taking this class, though, you will fully be aware of the money-making possibilities that professordom has to offer. Students will learn the following:
How to buy your professor's book
Proper care of your professor's book
How to not sell back your professor's book at the end of the semester
How to write to publishers about your professor's book, demanding an expensive new leather bound edition
How to sit quietly as the professor lectures to you directly from his/her book
How not to ask questions, such as "How much money do you make from selling your book?" and "Isn't there a much more reputable book available for $150.00 less?" also "Why does 80% of your book consist of blank pages?"
Each student must buy 2-3 copies of the book to pass, and also to not make the professor's "Official Enemies List" in Appendix A.
I would like to thank all of the incoming students who have chosen Pendelhurst University Memorial University as their place for higher education, and I would like to remind all returning students that arson is a felony that has consequences, such as up to 20 years in Crime Jail. Please drop off all tuition in unmarked laundry bags (CASH ONLY) at Loading Dock B. You'll get your education when I'm good and ready.
Dean Charlemagne Pendelhurst XIV
The Daily Dirt
I asked for your letters, and then you sent them, and then I had to do extra work! Click here for the aftermath.
This week, I'll be playing an '80s arcade rom rumored to be a CIA mind-control experiment. Please like and subscribe!
I'm thankful that the internet has a few more weeks of Net Neutrality protection before the inevitable outcome of deregulation comes to pass. I'll see you on Tier Basic, assuming you spring for the Limited Email Plan and your ISP hasn't throttled this domain.
Buy three Epic Loot Crates for only $7.99, get a free fourth loot crate for only $2.99!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.