Life is perhaps the greatest gift of all. It is a rich tapestry of experiences that unfolds on an ever-changing canvas, populated with ever-changing faces and landscapes. Unfortunately, though, life does not go on forever. It ends, and whatever happens beyond that is a mystery that will never be solved by mortal men. What we do know is that, as mortals, we will have to confront death sooner or later. Death sometimes comes without warning, taking us before we ever get the chance to question why or fight, and other times it looms before us like a destination we are traveling towards. If we know how far away it is we can arrive on our on terms. In cases such as this, we have the choice to die with honor, to resign ourselves to the notion that we cannot escape and instead will leave this world doing what is most noble and wise with our time. We will use our gift of life to place an indelible mark on the world, a landmark on an otherwise ever-changing canvas.
Today, for this special update, I am joined my friend and colleague Tom "Moof" Davies for a formal discussion on life and death, and dying with honor and dignity. We will discuss openly and frankly death and dying for both man and citizens of the animal kingdom. We will discuss the most honorable way to die, for a variety of creatures that call this planet home. If you are frightened by death and do not wish to be reminded of its eternal embrace, may we advise you to avoid this update for it will not spare you any grief.
Moof: The most honorable way for a cat to die is to be baked into a pie and fed to cows.
Livestock: The most honorable way for a cat to die is by purring so hard that it explodes and literally transfers its warmth and affection into pure light and energy that heals all nearby skin rash sufferers.
Moof: The most honorable way for a cat to die is to be crushed be falling books in a library.
Livestock: Make up your mind about cats!!
Moof: The most honorable way for a cat to die is to chase a mouse into a forest (an enchanted forest okay) and be turned into a tree by an enchanted owl and then be cut for lumber to build a new Petco in Flagstaff, Arizona.
Livestock: The most honorable way for a parrot to die is by whispering the name of the man who killed its owner to authorities with its dying breath.
Livestock: The most honorable way for a vulture to die is eat the flesh off the bones of the world's fattest man and die of a heart attack.
Moof: The most honorable way for a vulture to die is to accidentally fly into the burner of a hot air balloon and catch on fire and then land in a haystack and burn down a barn.
Livestock: That's practically what I said!!
Livestock: The most honorable way for a fish to die is to swim into the torpedo tubes of a submarine, die, and make the whole submarine smell like fish until everyone onboard takes their own life.
Moof: Yes, you are correct.
Livestock: The most honorable way for a vampire to die is to overdose on garlic in the streets to protest the harsh conditions Imperial England places on its colonies.
Moof: The most honorable way for a vampire to die is to parachute from a plane and land on a cow and then fall off the cow and impale himself on a fencepost.
Livestock: The most honorable way for a beaver to die is to have built dams on no less than three of the world's mightiest rivers including the Mississippi. His last built dam should hold for no less than 10 days and flood no less than two valleys.
Moof: How does the beaver die?
Livestock: An Indian shoots him and trades his pelt to a white man.
Moof: The most honorable way for a beaver to die is to bite down the Christmas tree in Times Square causing it to fall into a building and then he is killed by falling glass.
Livestock: Arghhhhh! Fine!
Livestock: The most honorable way for a turtle to die is to have its shell archived in the Library of Congress after passing in the night from complications related to diabetes.
Moof: The most honorable way for a turtle to die is to swim into the arctic to save a drowning polar bear and hit an iceberg and sink to the murky depths below where he will lie for all eternity (with the drowned polar bear).
Livestock: That is absurd, where is the glory in that?
Moof: No woman, no love.
Livestock: The most honorable way for a turtle to die is to not do what you said and do what I said!
Livestock: The most honorable way for a slug to die is to secrete the world's longest mucus trail, which causes a massive 20-car pileup on the highway and a wayward hubcap to slice the slug in two.
Moof: The most honorable way for a kangaroo to die is to jump so high that the sun melts the wax in his arms and they fall off and he falls to his death and all he wanted to do was taste a little bit of heaven that is all he ever wanted and sadly now his dreams have come true.
Livestock: Are we in agreement on the slug!?
Moof: Yes, there is no doubt.
Moof: That is common knowledge.
Livestock: I have some concerns about the kangaroo death. I believe the most honorable way for a kangaroo to die is to rob a bank and put the money in its pouch, hop to safety, then fall into the world's largest hole and spend the rest of its life trying to hop out but never being able to jump high enough.
Moof: Attention, Livestock, I believe you know nothing about kangaroos and I will not talk about this matter further until you seek an education on this matter my honorable fellow!
Livestock: The most honorable way for a president to die is to take a bullet for the world's most honorable dog (the St. Bernard).
Moof: I am the president of corn.
Livestock: I didn't vote for you!
Moof: The most honorable way for the president's dog to die is to swim to Bolivia to assassinate the president and then choke on a dog biscuit.
Livestock: The most honorable way for the president's dog to die is to fight and defeat the president of Russia's dog in a globally televised event. After defeating the Russian dog the American dog will pass out dead from an aneurysm!
Livestock: Did I mention the Russian dog is huge and on steroids and the American dog is actually a barrel full of pickles?
Moof: You bring up some good points but I fear you are blinded by stupidity.
Livestock: Moof we are having a mature conversation here and if you cannot avoid ad hominem attacks I will file your face under "C" for clobbered!
Moof: Dear Livestock, I must apologize for my outburst. I ask for you to understand the passion I feel for this subject.
Livestock: All is forgiven; it is only natural in debates this profound for the debaters to relinquish civility and reason in favor of emotion.
Moof: You and I are driven by the same passion. We are of the same kind.
Moof: If I may...
Moof: I would like to broach the subject of whales
Moof: My investigation into the matter has led me to believe that the most honorable way a whale can die is to swim into the dead sea and rise to the top, unable to sink underwater due to the high salt content of said sea, eventually rising high into the heavens.
Livestock: Incorrect. The most honorable way for a whale to die is to have wheels added to him so that he can drive cross-country seeing the great American landscapes and then get robbed and killed in New York while buying a Chicago style hot dog.
Livestock: The most honorable way for an alligator to die is to be frozen in a block of ice for 40 years, get thawed out, then attack a county fair, killing everyone there including the 4H animals (this is also the most honorable way for 4H animals to die). After a tense standoff between the alligator and authorities, it will be subdued by a SWAT team and turned into a suitcase that will later carry stolen hotel towels to various destinations.
Moof: No, the most honorable way for an alligator to die is to live in the sewers of New York and grow to such an enormous size that he must escape and roam the streets of Hell's Kitchen eating hobos until he grows to the size of a house and is assassinated by the mafia.
Livestock: The most honorable way for an rhinoceros to die is to learn how to fly a plane and then die in a dogfight with another plane piloted by an opera singing coyote somewhere over Akron, Ohio.
Moof: Your heart is in the right place my friend...
Moof: But I think it is your mind that is somewhere in Akron, Ohio.
Livestock: The most honorable way for a Moof can die is to lie down in the fields only to be run over by a tractor pulling a wagon containing pumpkins.
Moof: The most honorable way for a Livestock to die is to be pushed off a pier by a Moof in a storm.
Livestock: The most honorable way for a Moof to die is hydroplane and drive his car off a bridge into a barge full of sulfur and accidentally swallow a large amount of sulfur and go through life smelling like sulfur until he is kindly put out of his misery by a falling piano playing some ragtime jazz.
Moof: THE MOST HONORABLE WAY FOR A MOOF TO DIE IS TO FLY A SPACESHIP INTO THE MOON (LIVESTOCK IS LIVING ON THE MOON BECAUSE HE HATES AMERICA)!
Livestock: THE MOST HONORABLE WAY FOR A MOOF TO DIE IS TO SHUT UP BEFORE I THROW YOU INTO A RIVER FULL OF PIRANHAS AND SNAKES!!!
At this point the debate became too heated, as such profound debates often do, and I had no choice but to cease communications with Moof, who was clearly too emotional to continue debating. Who won this debate? Well, clearly you, the reader. You now have a greater understanding of life and death and the proper ways to die. I hope that you use this knowledge to better yourself and the lives of other creatures, ensuring that they are able to die with honor and dignity. In the end, there is no better way to leave this world.
For a practical how-to guide on garage door repair, please make your browser eat this link.
The bigotry must stop in this country. Sonic and Tails belong together and their happiness is all that matters.
A guide to the loud, large men who will be filling our living room weekly.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.