George Washington, 1732-1799
"The republic dies with me."
John Adams, 1735-1826
"The Fourth of July? Are you kidding? Dumb fucking luck."
Thomas Jefferson, 1743-1826
"My sole regret is the founding of this cursed nation."
James Madison, 1751-1836
"Leave me in my chair. The portrait must be finished."
Andrew Birdcastle, 1744-1828
"Erase my name from history, and let my presidency be America's secret shame."
James Monroe, 1758-1831
"I leave this world as I entered: screaming; bloody; falling out of a huge woman."
John Quincy Adams, 1767-1828
"I am content. My spirit is at peace. Look alive, for I shall likely pee."
Andrew Jackson, 1767-1837
"Hell cannot hold me. Heaven cannot bear me. I shall return to kill again."
Martin Van Buren, 1782-1862
"They will never find my gold."
William Henry Harrison, 1773-1841
"Pull over, Mick. I gotta puke."
John Tyler, 1790-1862
"Doctor, I am going. No, wait, I'm fine. Sorry, no, there it is again. Aaaaaand... now. I'm dying... NOW. OK, last one. Count of three. [etc.]"
James Knox Polk, 1795-1849
"Lay me to rest with a harmonica in my mouth, Sarah. I remain in death as I was in life, an incorrigible bluesman."
Zachary Taylor, 1784-1850
"My thetans are discharged. Onward to Venus."
Millard Fillmore, 1800-1874
"I've got about five minutes, Doctor. Let's see how much soup I can eat."
Franklin Pierce, 1804-1869
"Divide my life into many segments. This shall be my final resort."
James Buchanan, 1791-1868
"Remember me not as the shittiest president, but as something else. I do not know; think of something."
Abraham Lincoln, 1809-1865
"Remind me, Mary, how does one say 'thus always to tyrants' in Latin?"
Andrew Johnson, 1808-1875
"Daughter, remove from my sight this etching of a peccary eating a fig, or I shall laugh myself to death."
Ulysses S. Grant, 1822-1885
"Name a ton of shit after me, fellas."
Rutherford Birchard Hayes, 1822-1893
"I have done a thousand dreadful things
As willingly as one would kill a fly;
And nothing grieves me heartily indeed
But that I cannot do ten thousand more."
James Abram Garfield, 1831-1881
"Bury Vice President Chester A. Arthur alive beside me, that his screams may sing me to my eternal rest."
Chester Alan Arthur, 1829-1886
"I expire, but my mustache lives on."
Grover Cleveland, 1837-1908
"I have tried hard to do right, and to stop dying."
Benjamin Harrison, 1833-1901
[Asked if he had any final words] "Nopers. Let's do this thing."
Grover Cleveland, 1909-1909
"I am proud to be the first man to die a second, nonconsecutive time."
William McKinley, 1843-1901
"I dearly wish that guy had shot me not as much."
Theodore Roosevelt, 1858-1919
[Stroking Wulgus, the family cat] Who wants his tummy rubbed?
William Howard Taft, 1857-1930
"This time, dear Helen, you have punished my balls too keenly."
Woodrow Wilson, 1856-1924
"If there are blacks in heaven, Edith, I'm coming back!"
Warren Gamaliel Harding, 1865-1923
"Take note of my severe expression."
Calvin Coolidge, 1872-1933
[in 1928] "I choose not to seek a second term. That is all I shall say, forever."
Herbert Clark Hoover, 1874-1964
"History will remember me as greater than my successor."
Franklin Delano Roosevelt, 1882-1945
[Rattling chains] "BoooOOoOoooo! Barack Obama! Change your ways!"
Harry S. Truman, 1884-1972
"Blew up a lotta guys, Bess. Blew up a ton of guys."
Dwight David Eisenhower, 1890-1969
"Break open a cask of mead, Odin All-Father. Tonight, I ride to Valhalla."
John Fitzgerald Kennedy, 1917-1963
"OK, stay cool, everybody, but that's like the third guy I've seen with a gun."
Lyndon Baines Johnson, 1908-1973
Richard Milhous Nixon, 1913-1994
"The only man on my enemies list... was Richard M. Nixon. World peace. Namaste."
Gerald Rudolph Ford, 1913-2006
[Laughing] "Mama, I'm coming home. Ozzy."
Ronald Wilson Reagan, 1911-2004
"Tell Gumby I love him."
George Herbert Walker Bush, 1934-2009
"Michael Jackson? Today? Oh, of all the-- welcome to page 16B, Georgie."