Alright, I want you to get as comfortable as possible. Pick any spot in the room. No, sorry, no chair. I'm just getting moved into this new office. I have some milk crates, a stack of drywall panels, a step ladder and this bean bag that is super dusty. Oh, sure, the floor is good. Just not right there. I had to spray a whole bunch of ant spray in that area. No, not the black ones, those little tiny orange ones that get in your clothes and bite you. They're so small you almost can't see them.

Settled? Good. Let's begin.

Free your mind of all thought except for the sensations of your body. Take a deep breath, hold it for a--

Is that your phone? I don't...oh, sorry, it's mine. Could you hang on? I need to take this.

Rita, I'm with a patient. No, I'm not yelling. No, if I was using a nasty tone I think you would know it. Just...Rita...slow down...okay...what happened? Alright, I'll ask.

Hey, look, I know this was supposed to be a session here, but do you think there is any way we could do this in my car? My pot dealer needs me to help her find her cat and she's demanding I come over right now. It's your call.

Great. Hey, Rita, we'll be over as soon as we can. Just try to stay calm.

Okay, I'm parked about eight blocks away. Parking was crazy because of that escaped zoo animal. Yeah, really. I guess there is a tiger on the loose. It has been mauling everybody it gets close to.

Here we are, sorry about all the boxes, I didn't think I was giving anybody a ride. You can sit in back but be careful, I had to take my cat to the vet yesterday and he shit all over the back. I put some towels down but watch where you sit. Let's try to...actually, before you get settled can you give me a push? It's easier to get started from a running start with this car. Alright...thanks...one, two, three, go! Keep pushing! It's starting! Now get in the car!

Whew. Okay, let's pick up where we left off.

Nowwww, exhale. Inhale again. Exhale very slowly. As slow as you can. Focus on the air leavng your body. That air represents your addiction vacating you. I want you to inhale again, but this time...what is...HEY ASSHOLE! I'm driving here. Come on!

Here we are. It's on the sixth floor. Nope. I guess it was built before they had elevators, but as we go up I want you to think about each breath you take is like a piece of your addiction escaping from your body. And each floor is like a, um, a new level of your freedom. And when we get to the top of the stairs we're going to walk through the doorway to Rita's, only it won't be a regular doorway it will be a transformational portal. And you will be a new person, addiction free.

Hang on. Her door is open. It shouldn't be like that. Be careful, I-- Hey! Oof! Ouch, take it easy! I have no idea what's going on. I don't even know Rita. Who are you? Carlos? I don't know any...hey...ahhhh! Grab the gun. Grab it!

As you pick up the gun and shoot it at those weird cartel gang members each bullet is a bit of your addiction departing from the gun, which is your willpower and, oh shit, they have a machine gun. Get behind something!

Okay, every belt of bullets they shoot at it is your freedom from addiction. Each fleshwound is another triumph, another assertion of your own authority over your decisions. You will no longer feel a craving for--Ah! Run! Don't look back! Don't look back!

Shit. Dead end. Okay, go through the window. When a truck drives by we jump. One...two...three...aaaaahhhhh! As we fall towards the ground we accelerate closer to your goal of addiction free living. When we hit the bed of that junk truck covered in tarps you will be addiction free. Aaaahhhh! Ouch, aahh!

Did it work?

Do you still feel the urge to shoe shop online?

You feel the urge to buy a sci-fi horror novel. You want to read more but you just don't have time. You will find the time for Liminal States from Zack Parsons.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.