Unbeknownst to many, Mitt Romney has selected one of the fittest men in Washington as his vice president. Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan is a Randian devotee, and one of his mostly deeply-held beliefs is that any man can become a ripply Adonis, so long as he is free to purchase P90X.
"Not every man is strong, but every man can be strong through hard work," explains Ryan. "So long as government is not allowed to encroach on our Second Amendment liberties, you maintain the right to bare arms, legs and an insanely chiseled torso. Get your pump on and sell as many tickets as you want to the gun show."
Ryan's belief in self-motivated fitness informs his tax policy to give breaks to the best body fat percentages while canceling expensive government fitness programs like public parks, jungle gyms and sidewalks that might assist those with less than ideal percentages. Put on your headband, turn on your favorite explosive workout playlist and chug a P90X meal replacement shake; it's time to get that body wrecked the Paul Ryan way.
Warm Up - Motivate
Core Synergistics and Ab Ripper - Annihilate Loose Calories
Kenpo X Moves - Become the Dragon
After 12-18 months your body fat should be around 6%. Congratulations, you are not only a chiseled stallion of the Midwest, you have also saved America. Please welcome The Next President of the United States of America. (You).
When he isn't trashing bread bags and getting ripply like a riverbed, Zack Parsons writes weird horror novels, like Liminal States. The San Francisco Chronicle says it, "delivers scenes full of dark meaning and crazy intensity" and Tor.com said it includes western, noir and sci-fi "blended together in Zack Parsons' brilliant novel, Liminal States, and it's super, man." Buy a copy today.
The fifth phase of the week is upon us. Shops close, bars open, and we are free from the Bosses once more. But They Who Were Before Time await our tribute...
Hungry? Try looking around for a little something called ASTRONAUT FOOD. Or you can hold out until you get to Pluto and look for some berries... if you want to starve to death!
We'd like to thank Mr. Elba for taking the time to make this possible.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.