I've read many medical studies by accomplished surgeons and people who once met a surgeon in a mall parking lot which claim the head is probably the most important part of the human body. Yes, that's correct, many scholars and critics alike agree that the human head is "the head of the class" when it comes to items attached to your body which would probably make you die if they caught fire in a shoe store, as shown here in this helpful list I was able to piece together from over 60 years of personal research and medical expert interviews:
THE MOST IMPORTANT PARTS OF THE HUMAN BODY, AS RATED BY CONSUMER REPORTS:
A professional diagram of the human body. They make you memorize this thing in medical school and is on the final test.
1) The Head - This big fat thick wad of bone and goo allows you to see things, taste things, hear things, wear toupees, and stop functioning correctly after a cargo plane lands on it. Almost every single American President in history has had a head of some sort, even Jimmy Carter. RoboCop, a robot cop that gained the inexplicable ability to fly towards the end of "RoboCop 3," had a human head, thereby proving that even robots need heads! If you don't believe me, then build a robot out of Erector Set pieces and see how utterly faggy it looks without a kickass severed human head glued to the top of it. Don't use your own head or else you might not be able to correctly view the experiment; use your younger brother's head. Make sure not to tell your parents or authorities about this site.
2) The Chest - Contains various "second place" vital organs which lost popularity votes to the organs in the head. These body parts include the heart (used to kill both vampires and non-vampires who are really pale and wear a lot of black), the liver (transforms harmful liquids like beer into harmless liquids like lite beer), the small intestines (grosses out female high school students when they are forced to dissect a lawyer in biology class), and the lungs (turns harmful gasses like oxygen into harmless gasses like cyclosarin). The chest is known as "nature's medicine cabinet" to people who write webpages for a living, and although they probably had a really good idea what that quote meant when they originally thought it up, it doesn't seem to make much sense right now.A diagram of the space shuttle. This image would be helpful if today's update was about the space shuttle, but it's not.
3) The Private Parts - This is the area used when a man really loves a woman or when a woman really loves a man or when a man really loves a woman but he's secretly thinking about how he loves another man. It varies on each gender, as the males come fully equipped with a rugged off-road package containing both a penis and two silly looking balls, and the females sport a rather useless vagina which can be used to smuggle heroin across the border. If you don't have any private parts then you probably can't have any babies, so you should kidnap one from a hospital and force it to have a baby. When the Lifetime Network makes a movie about you, your character will be played by Judith Light, unless you're a man, in which case your wife's character will be played by Judith Light.
4) The Knees - Many people would argue that the knees shouldn't be on this list, not because they honestly believe such nonsense, but because they are assholes who like arguing over dumb articles on crappy websites. I, however, know exactly how important the knees are. For example, whenever somebody asks me, "hey Rich, want to go play tennis?" and I can't think of a good excuse which sounds more agreeable than "my religion explicitly forbids me to take place in any physical activity whatsoever," I simply say, "oh okay, yeah, let's go play tennis right now, here let me get my tennis racket - OWWW, OH MY KNEE!" and then I grip it in faux pain and pretend I'm some injured war veteran whose knees were sabotaged by a gang of Vietnamese demolitionists. If you play your cards right, you can get out of pretty much any activity by blaming some knee-related incident, except maybe being the groom in your own wedding.
As you can clearly see, the head is at "the head" of the chart when it comes to important body parts! Ha ha! That's a clever little pun about the human body, one of approximately 10 billion hilarious jokes which make kids around the globe despise biology. But while America's youth may not exactly realize the head's various critical functions, a more evil, diabolical, bearded group of stinky men have stumbled upon the important of the head and are determined to exploit its weaknesses until their nefarious demands are met or they run out of heads.
Militants: Captured U.S. Marine beheaded - Militants in Iraq claimed Saturday to have beheaded a U.S. Marine who disappeared from his post last month, but neither the military nor news organizations could confirm the report posted on three Islamic web sites. A message -- purportedly from Abdullah al Hasan ben Mahmoud, who claims to be emir of a group that calls itself Ansar al-Sunna -- addressed President Bush when describing the alleged fate of Cpl. Wassef Ali Hassoun, a Marine translator of Lebanese descent "We inform you, your excellency, your military officer who is originally Lebanese has been beheaded. And you will see that with your own eyes," the statement said.
This whole "Middle East Head Removal Service" is one of those unsettling pop culture trends that you hear about in the news but feel powerless to stop, like the growing popularity and rise of those ridiculous "Bratz" dolls which look like horny fish with hair. Terrorists have decided that since they lack military firepower, resources, money, grooming tips, and access to violent video games, they will strike back at America and America's terrorist-fighting bedfellows by kidnapping our citizens, taking photos of them inside a dirty room while they make a list of outrageous demands, and then chopping off their heads once their goofy grocery list of requirements aren't met. It doesn't really help their cause that all their demands are crazy, impractical things like "remove all raisins from the city of New Jersey and then place each and every one of them in the city of Vancouver within 17 minutes" or "make all ghosts taste like lemons," but I honestly doubt that they even want their demands to be met. Terrorists are just like that little fat kid in fourth grade who smelled like a rotting salami sandwich abandoned in a tropical jungle for months, the kid always screaming, "oh Miss Conrad, Miss Conrad, look at me, pay attention to me! I'm eating paste, look at me! Look at me, I'm putting paste up my ass, look at me!"
Regardless of their motives, there are bearded men manually disconnecting the heads of non-bearded men at an alarming rate in the Middle East, and somebody needs to do something about it. Since the head plays such a vital role on the human body (see informative chart above), most of these victims find it difficult to carry on their everyday activities with their head in such a non-functioning / non-attached state. I feel the US Government has failed to take a real proactive approach to "heading off" this catastrophe (that's another delightful pun on the human body courtesy of yours truly), so it is once again left to people like myself, the pantless webmasters, to brainstorm ways we can end this tragedy and restore peace to the Middle East.
WAYS TO STOP TERRORISTS FROM CHOPPING OFF COALITION HEADS IN THE MIDDLE EAST
The world's most dangerous zombie: a zombie with his head in a bulletproof safe! Please note that the safe door is currently open, thus voiding all warrantee.
1) Train more zombies to wear convincing military fatigues and shoot assault rifles at uppity minorities. Terrorists enjoy beheading US Marines because once the soldier has their head removed from that fleshy stump thing it sits on, there's like a 99.9% chance they will die. So it's like a two-for-one special to them; not only do they get to be on Arabic TV and give "shout outs" to their "homies," but they also get to behead and consequently murder a US soldier (and keep the head). But would terrorists experience the same joy if they discover that decapitation no longer results in instant death, but rather a pissed off headless zombie running around their mud hut seeking revenge? Scientists have repeatedly proven that zombies can live for a good 10 or 20 years after decapitation, often getting back to their busy and active zombie lifestyle of "slowly lumbering around and dripping various fluids on the ground." Some of them are even able to resume their busy careers in the Senate. While it's true that zombies aren't exactly the world's most proficient fighters, just imagine the look on crazy ol' Omar's face when he cuts off Sergeant Emery T. Braaaaaaaaaiiiins' head and discovers a furious, flailing body lunging at him with the intensity of a drunk pit bull! He'll probably say something kooky in his wacky language and then run off! Oh Omar, when will you ever learn?
The only conceivable drawback to this plan is that zombies' weak points are their brains, which if I remember correctly is not that far away from their head. If the terrorist is drunk or has absolutely lousy aim, they might accidentally stab the zombie's brains, therefore causing them to die once more. This issue can be addressed by installing the zombie's brain in a hard-to-reach location that deters all humans from approaching (Utah), or by enclosing the zombie's head inside something safe and protective like a bank vault or those black boxes that steal the souls of airline pilots when their plane crashes. Or a shark; terrorists hate sharks.
2) Begin a targeted advertising campaign against radical Islamic terrorism. If there's one thing the government does well, it's connect with children through a series of "hip" and "edgy" public service announcements. The world-famous "I learned it from you, dad!" anti-drug commercial featuring "Shitty Hair Dad" and "Deadbeat Druggie Son" has been successfully burned into my mind ever since I saw it as a child. I never did any drugs throughout high school because whenever somebody would casually walk up to me in the middle of class and offer me a cocaine joint dipped in heroin, the mental image of the disappointed, shocked father from that public service announcement would appear and begin floating around, haunting my every move. Sometimes he would steal my wallet and rack up ungodly charges on my credit cards. One time I was taking this girl on a date and he appeared and started shrieking and cursing at the top of lungs, causing her to flee from his hideous visage. That's when we got in a fistfight and he called in the apparition of his druggie deadbeat kid to come in and help beat me into submission with a tennis racket.
The point I'm trying to make here is that the US Government is very skilled at making public service campaigns which really stick with you. I have no doubt that once the fine American minds behind America get together and start brainstorming some catchy and awesome Islamic slogans denouncing the beheading of heads, young potential terrorists across the globe will soon start to realize "it doesn't pay to get a-head!" I'm envisioning a brightly colored cartoon Allah maybe busting some freestyle raps along these lines:
Yo homeboys, this is MC Muhammad and I'm here to say,
I love Fruity Pebbles in a major way!
I was born in 570 CE, so maybe you didn't hear what I said!
It's dope to be a Muslim but ain't cool to behead!
Those coalition troops are good, so why should we be bad?
Let's all go to Starbucks©™® instead of a jihad!
Then there would maybe be some breakdancing and fireworks and whatnot, you know, because the kids like that kind of stuff and it would really resonate with their generation. The benefits of this plan is that little baby terrorists will grow up with such catchy tunes and hip slogans in their mind, and there's a good chance they might not continue their parents' tradition of beheading folks who previously wanted to keep their head attached to their body. The negative side to this is that their parents would rebel against such advertisements and probably end up burning something like an American flag or a TV playing a looping videotape of an American flag. This isn't really that big of a loss since those guys spend roughly 98% of their disposable income on American stuff so they can burn it.
A field of spunky beheaded volunteers help Iraq cultivate their farms and grow more food.
3) Get the US Government to behead US citizens before sending them to the Middle East. Let's face it guys; if there were no heads to behead in the Middle East, we wouldn't be experiencing such a problem with this whole mess. By removing all heads from that region before the terrorists have a chance to, we would therefore effectively end their supply of fresh heads to chop off. It's just like this whole guns and drugs thing going on in America, where certain nutty people believe that if we outlaw all guns and drugs, there won't be any more violence or crime. Of course this will create a black market head smuggling industry, where terrorists are forced to import US citizens over the Internet, but you know what they say: when you outlaw Middle Eastern human heads, Middle Eastern human heads become outlaws. Whatever that means.
To discover the potential negative points of this particular plan, I asked a leading medical doctor at a leading medical doctor place to give me his leading medical doctor opinions on the feasibility of such a plan. He claimed that my total was $6.43 and I should "drive through to the next window." The amazing thing was that he could communicate to me through a tiny little speaker in a clown's mouth, one which wasn't even remotely attached to a human head! I'm not exactly sure what any of that proves, so let's just pretend I made a really funny joke and you're laughing a whole lot and also I'm really sexy.
With a little proactive precautions, I feel the US Government and the coalition forces can successfully prevent another person from losing their head in the Middle East. As an additional benefit, nobody will have to read any more horrible, horrible puns on this site. Of course that still won't prevent us from writing more boring and unfunny articles, but hey, at least the pun thing will be resolved.
Hesh wants married sex!
Ryan "OMGWTFBBQ" Adams here running around in circles, and STILL TRYING to set a few things straight. I posted the same thing last week, and still got e-mail submissions.
If you want to join in on the Comedy Goldmine/Photoshop Phriday fun, you will need an account. I can't post any submissions I get through e-mail. I'm sorry, but that's how the game is played. Go ahead and join up if you haven't, best ten dollars you'll spend in a while, I assure you. Just read the rules before you start posting.
Now that I've repeated myself, let's move on to the Goldmine.
Sex. Drugs. Drinking. Place-kicking small children. All of these things except for the last one can lead to uncomfortable times with one's parents. And despite our very best efforts, we never manage to completely fool 'ole mom and dad. This includes you people out there in Real World land. I know because you sent me your own akward "just got caught by my parents" moments. Which grossed me out. Which is weird because I was fine going through the forum goons stories. *shrug*
Here's a taste of this week's Goldmine:
The only awkward experience I had with my parents was when I was about 15. I had a friend and two girls over in my room. He's screwing around with this girl on the floor while I and the other girl watch a movie. My mom must have been sitting there with her ear pressed to the door the whole time, because she heard faint moans and totally fucking freaked out. I guess she thought we were all gangbanging.
A few hours after they leave, my mom just starts screaming at my dad to tell me that I can't have girls in my room anymore. My dad, in his infinite "I don't give a fuck what you do" wisdom comes over to me, and says "Your mom said you can't have girls in your room any more." He then proceeds to pat both my friend and myself on the shoulder and walk away.
... I heard my mom screaming at him for about 3 hours in their bedroom while he made fun of her for being a prude.
That's right ... to this day, my dad thinks that a buddy and I were tag-teaming two girls in my bedroom and he's proud.
Thanks again to forum Goon Quizal for starting up this week's Comedy Goldmine, "Awkward Times With Parents."
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.