04-20-04: smoke fake SA every day. In case you've never heard of Pitchfork Media before, it's one of those uber-scenester hipster indie shithead mags which allocates its time fawning over either "intelligent" bands like Radiohead or super-underground indie acts that nobody has ever heard of and usually have the word "project" or "experiment" in their name. It's a culture of pretending to be more intelligent and obscure than the next guy so your musical cock will be larger than theirs and all the ladies will flock to you like cosmetic surgeons to Thom Yorke's disturbingly mutilated face. If you'd like to check out some wonderful examples of their highly "oh holy hell we're so fucking smart" reviews, feast your eyes upon these winners. Keep in mind these are supposed to be MUSIC REVIEWS.

Radiohead - "Kid A" - The experience and emotions tied to listening to Kid A are like witnessing the stillborn birth of a child while simultaneously having the opportunity to see her play in the afterlife on Imax. It's an album of sparking paradox. It's cacophonous yet tranquil, experimental yet familiar, foreign yet womb-like, spacious yet visceral, textured yet vaporous, awakening yet dreamlike, infinite yet 48 minutes. It will cleanse your brain of those little crustaceans of worries and inferior albums clinging inside the fold of your gray matter. The harrowing sounds hit from unseen angles and emanate with inhuman genesis. When the headphones peel off, and it occurs that six men (Nigel Godrich included) created this, it's clear that Radiohead must be the greatest band alive, if not the best since you know who.

N.E.R.D - "Fly or Die" - After I flicked the back of his ear repeatedly in seventh grade Geography class, Justin grew a beer gut and became a computer systems integration analyst for CSC, who forced him to take an etiquette course to better hand clients. He wears discount golfing attire from strip-mall department stores and a Motorola clipped to his belt. When not resorting his online fantasy football roster from his suburban Atlanta home, he drives a Korean car.

At the Drive In - "Relationship of Command" - Jim Lehrer: Okay, gentlemen, you know the rules as established by the Commission of Presidential Debates. The questions will come from citizens in our audience. You have two minutes to answer each question; your opponent may then offer a rebuttal. I will then ask a follow-up question at my discretion. The next four questions pertain to At the Drive In, a rock music group from Governor Bush's home state of Texas. The first, to Governor Bush, will be asked by Clara Thompson. Where are you, Ms. Thompson? ...There you are.

Doves - "Lost Souls" - You know, we music journalists have to contend with a myriad of internal voices while reviewing. There's the simple, straightforward, credulous voice of the listener, who takes bands, songs and packages at face value. As a counter check, there's a savvier, hipper voice that considers music a constructed, made-up thing, sold to us by bands and manufacturers through advertising, press buzz and the ever-enticing promise of press photos. And, finally, there's a purely contrarian voice that plays devil's advocate, finding the easy path and countering it at every turn. This kind of intrapersonal debating occurs with every release, but rages almost uncontrollably in the instance of a talked-up offering. Because in such a case, it becomes so important to keep oneself from being swept up in embarrassing critical groundswell without dismissing a record that might be good just because someone else likes it. Case in point: Doves' Lost Souls , an album currently coasting on tons of buzz. Follow us as we take a look at three different approaches to reviewing the record, while revealing the secret tricks of the reviewer's game.

So, uh, that's that then. Thanks to SA Forum Goons Threepwood, Sensurround, Regular John, Bozarth, EVIL Gibson, and clickblipclick for their band's advertising banners.

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You got your Model T in my Hummer! You got your Hummer in my Model T! That's the topic in this week's Comedy Goldmine, Old Meets New. Mixing and matching the wild world of the past with the technical and up to date now! Wow, I think this is the only goldmine we've ever done where it'll be out of date by the end of the day. But to keep old traditions going, here's a funny picture, and then me saying something totally random in an attempt to sound funny. Ah, that felt good.

Thanks to forum Goon odiv for this week's Goldmine thread.

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– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

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