Ely Whitney once said, "get your stinkin' paws off me you damn dirty ape!" But more importantly he invented the cotton gin for the first time and before anybody else. Since then, there haven't been many inventions. Naturally, this has caused a great deal of stagnation in terms of product development. That's why I asked my friends (all of whom hate me) at the Something Awful Forums to create a vast array of new products to make up for this horrifying gap. When I made this request, I accidentally included the word "stupid" twice. This unfortunately resulted in all the products being somewhat impractical. But nonetheless, the show must go on! Please enjoy their contributions, some of which just might end up in your home, assuming your doors and windows aren't secured properly of course.

Soundboz is not one to inspire confidence. He is, however, adapt at inspiring flatulence.

Rydalia has a mouth as clean as a hospital, so feel free to throw up blood there.

Chromis thinks infomercials about setting and forgetting are the best thing since sliced bacon, which he eats everyday.

Braincloud and his tools aren't allowed anywhere near me

caucASIAN made this, but frankly I was too lazy to read it. I sure hope it's funny and not some attack on my character.

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  • THE PERFECT HUMAN FORM

    THE PERFECT HUMAN FORM

    Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.

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