A happy couple, tilted slightly.
Listen up, female Something Awful readers (both of you), because I'm about to lay some information on you that will change your lives in the most profound and meaningful way since your first period. I - by which I mean Ben "Greasnin" Platt - am offering myself to you for all your ravishing and romancing needs. This, of course, is a monumental development, as I have been out of the dating scene for the past few months. Now, I can hear some of you saying, "I didn't know you were unavailable," or "I'm already pregnant with your masculine lovechildren." Well, I was unavailable, and those aren't my children. You're thinking of Josh. See, my last relationship ended on something of a bad note in the sense that the Holocaust was something of a rough patch for the Jews. Every time I even think about that break up, the sheer force of my wrath causes an entire litter of kittens to explode. As you might have gathered, I was left somewhat disenchanted by the experience. For a while, I haven't put much effort into getting a new girlfriend. It's not that I felt all women were flesh-rending, soul-choking she-baboons, it's just that.... uh.... I guess I did feel that all women were flesh-rending, soul-choking she-baboons. But those days are over! I'm back in the dating game, and I'm in top form. In fact, I am probably the single greatest catch out there. Any, or perhaps many of you ladies would surely be the envy of your friends if you showed up at their next box social with me at your side. Personally, I don't think that I should have to say any more than that. After all, this is written on a website, and everything on the internet is true. But I know that there are some skeptics out there who need a little more convincing. To that end, I will explain exactly why I am the single greatest guy on the planet, so that you can clearly see why you should drop whatever it is you're doing - cooking or cleaning, I presume - and date the hell out of me.
Ben Platt Has a Great Sense of Humor
Every ladies' poll since the invention of the poll has shown that the first thing you female-types look for in a man is a good sense of humor. Well, I write for Something Awful, the bleeding edge in internet humor. Lowtax doesn't let just anyone write for this site. You have to be witty, you have to be articulate, you have to be spontaneous, and you have to wash his car twice. Every week, I get dozens of fan letters telling me just how funny I am, and I am almost positive that up to two of them are sincere. You can't argue with those numbers. Well, I guess you can't argue with any number. Numbers are symbolic representations of amounts, they don't have the capacity to argue on their own behalf. Unless it's a number of debaters, I guess. The point is, when you date me, you'll always be laughing. Except during Ramadan - then I'm all business.Not me, but very good-looking, so reminiscent of me.
Ben Platt Is Sensitive
Sure, I may have the verbal skills to dominate a conversation, but I'm sensitive to your needs, too. I know that sometimes, you just need someone to listen. I don't know if it's because your hair dried before you could finish gossiping with the gals at the beauty parlor, or if your television soaps just don't give you the outlet you're looking for - it doesn't matter. Whatever the reason may be, I understand that you have things on your mind that you have to tell someone. You couldn't ask for a better someone than yours truly. And I know that listening is more than simply not talking while you yammer on endlessly. I actually pay attention to what a woman says. I never forget to offer poignant insights like "uh huh," "okay," and "you're right." I can give advice, constructive criticism, or just an open ear. Whatever feelings you need to express, I am the man at whom you can express them. No crying, though. I'm not big on that, so let's keep it to a minimum, okay?
Ben Platt Is Romantic
Conversation is important, but a relationship has to be built on more than talking one another's ear off. Eventually we will have to go places and do things. Don't you worry your hopefully very pretty head about the details, though. When you're with me, you're in the hands of the most romantic guy in town. Whether it's a picnic on the grass, an evening at the theater (or even at the theatre, if you're good), a homecooked dinner, or a cocktail party, every date with me is guaranteed to be more romantic than a billion orgies. And two to three times classier! I know how important surprises are in a relationship. The surprises never stop with Ben Platt! Maybe you'll just have finished cleaning the kitchen, and I'll walk in with an adorable kitten! Or maybe you'll get home from a day of grocery shopping and find me waiting for you with an adorable kitten! Or maybe on our anniversary we'll go to a fancy restaurant, and as our eyes meet over the lush candlelight, I'll reach beneath my chair and pick up your present - an adorable kitten! I know that sometimes romance is as simple as just being together, which is why on those quiet nights, we'll curl up on the couch, snuggle up against our kitten skin throw pillows, and watch a movie. The time you spend with me will be so romantic, your friends will stab their boyfriends for not being romantic enough.I'm sexy and educated.
Ben Platt Is All the Good-Looking in Half the Space
There are lots of good-looking guys out there. Let's say twelve. Sure, they may be sweet, sweet eye-candy, but are they really the guys for you? Think about it. Many of them are six feet tall or more, and they may weigh in at close to, or even more than two hundred pounds. That's a lot of guy to have to lug around everywhere you go. Most good-looking guys are bulky and have sharp corners. But with me, you get all the good looks of your standard good-looking guy in a nice, compact package. Standing at just under 5' 6" and weighing in at just under 125 lbs., I am both sexy and space-efficient. Like a good cell phone, my smaller size comes with a number of advantages. When you lose an earring under the endtable, I can duck right under and grab it for you. Or, just imagine yourself winging across the Pacific on your way to a tropical paradise while I read you traditional Polynesian poetry from the cozy confines of the overhead luggage bin. That brings me to my next point:
Ben Platt Has Money
Let's face it - money matters. In this fast-paced world of ours, you need money to purchase food items and accessories, gasoline, and hammocks. With me, your money troubles are over. As a professional humor journalist, I have a steady and impressive salary. Picture going out to your favorite fashion boutique and being able to splurge on whatever you want - up to four whole dollars! The fun doesn't stop there, though. I've got a bank account just ripe for the pilfering. We'll travel to exotic places like Over There, Down the Street, and St. Domingo (a little further down the street). We'll dine at the fanciest and snootiest drive-thru restaurants and waffle houses. We'll live it up like poor, poor royalty. Nothing will be beyond our reach, as long as you're willing to use the power of your imagination or take up a life of crime.You? PLEASE?
Ben Platt Is a Celebrity
There's more to my celebrity status as a SA writer than just money. You get all the social advantages that come with dating a big star. When you're with me, people treat you differently. Your days of waiting for a table are over. Never again will you have to suffer the indignity of waiting for hours outside the hottest clubs, only to be denied entrance. If you get pulled over for reckless driving, the cop will rip up the ticket the moment he realizes that you're with someone as famous as me. At parties, all the eyes will be on you as everyone wonders, "Who is that with that stud Ben Platt?" Celebrities can do things and go places that normal people just can't. When you're dating me, that world will open its doors to you, too.
Ben Platt Has a Cool Nickname
Lots of guys have nicknames, but most of them are degrading, like "Stinky," "Dribbles," or "Wart." Other nicknames are meaningless, like "Skitch," "Puffinstuff," or "One-Leg Jim." None of them can touch "Greasnin." "Greasnin" is a nickname that does it all. First, it rolls off the tongue. Say it. Say it again. No, no, the emphasis is on the first syllable. Yeah, that's it. Second, it has mystique. What does "Greasnin" really mean? It must mean something, it's too unusual - no, unique - not to have some deeper meaning. Well, go out with me, and you might just find out what "Greasnin" is all about. Third, it can be turned into other nicknames, which are also cool. My friends call me "Greasy." That's "Greasy" like the Italians, the most romantic people on Earth. Others call me "Grease," like the hit 50's nostalgia musical, but there's more to it. Like grease, I'm slick, smooth, and all over you like you're a pizza. Feeling sexed up yet? Just wait.
Ben Platt's Grandmother Bakes Cookies
Maybe you have a family, maybe you don't. It doesn't matter anymore. When you're dating me, you're a part of my family in a strictly non-incestuous way. No one will make you feel more comfortable at family dinners than my Grandmother, who will soon feel like your Grandmother, again in a strictly non-incestuous way. Countless women have been simply delighted by this charming and vivacious woman. But she's more than just great company - she's a mean cook. Her cookies range from chocolate chip to pinwheel and are always the highlight of any dessert. Just one bite and you'll wonder how you ever did without them. That's right, ladies, all that other good stuff and a sweet, good-humored Grandmother. What else could you ask for?
There you have it. If you're still not convinced that you should date me, you are probably a lesbian. If, however, you are highly aroused by what you've just read and you are not a forty-six year old man posing as a fourteen year old girl (again), send me an email to discuss our future and the various naughty, quasi-legal things we'll do together. With just one click, you could be in the arms of one of the hottest commodities on the internet - me.
I'm Thankful for State Og, and You'd Better Be, Too
A grateful nation is preparing to gather together to celebrate the venerated holiday of Thanksgiving. This year, we once again get to celebrate it under the stern, largely frightening watch of State Og, the mega-conglomerate which, according to their team of horned lawyers, is neither evil nor bent on world domination. We've been fortunate enough to receive some notice of the various festivities State Og has planned for the holiday.
As we all know, the Indians welcomed our ancestors into this new land and helped us to survive the first winter. Then, the following year when the pilgrims had grown fat enough, the savage Indians attacked the completely innocent settlers and tried to eat them all, sometimes beginning to eat before they remembered to kill them. These zombie indians were valiantly forced into reservations, where we now keep them under close watch to this day, mindful of their lust for our brains.
Shortly after the pep speech by our cloaked and mysterious leader and the mandatory bikini waxing, we will group together and lead a "historical mock invasion" on the local Peaceful Badger Indian reservation, "killing" the entire village while "they sleep". Buckets of sulfuric acid and high power laser-sighted sniper rifles will be handed out, just like the ones they used in colonial days! The night will end with an employee in our Ninja Division sneaking into O.J. Simpson's house and returning the now bloody gloves which we stole from him earlier this week, and an anonymous call to the authorities.
But killing Indians is just the gizzard on the turkey that is Og. If you want to know more, and you'd better if you know what's good for you, take a look at the latest from our favorite fiendish uber-corporation.
Sir Mix-a-Lot's classic follow up to "Baby Got Back" has serious unintended consequences.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
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