This week: "Abs of Meat", urban beautification, more homeless campaigns, interview with an alien.


It's the official State Og Health and Beauty day! Celebrating our newly-opened weight-loss clinic in downtown New Jersey, we are dedicating one whole day to improving this beautiful land of ours. First up: Exercise!

Our film studio, Waning Moon Productions, has released a treasure trove of exercise videos to mark this momentous day, and they are now available from sleazy porn-and-snuff movie houses and Blockbuster. Titles include:

  • Abs of Meat
  • Lifting Weights with Grotesque She-Man
  • Jiggle that Ass, You Fat Fuck
  • Amphetimine Jazzercise
  • Billy Blanks's Ninja Dojo of the Thousand Knives
  • Build Those Pyramids!
  • Hot and Sweaty with Richard Simmons
In addition to that, we will be giving away free LSD-saturated headbands with every purchase, ensuring that your Health and Beauty Day will be filled with beautiful colours and shining vistas beyond space and time. Will you jog one mile and go home to rest, or will you jog several hundred miles and die of thirst in the Mexican desert? You won't know or care!
 
 

Second on the agenda: Urban Beautification! As you probably know, it's a messy world out there, and it could stand to be improved the State Og way. We're already hard at work on making things more pleasing to the eye, so check out our improvements at the State Og tallow refinery right here in New Jersey:

Before: A dreary example of today's soulless corporate industry.
After: A bright and cheery look at a better tomorrow!

As you can see, our allocated $ 7,000,000 budget did not go squandered. We hope to soon beautify the world's other hideous buildings, such as the State Og toxic-waste factory, the State Og beef processing yard, and the Eiffel Tower.

 
 

Hygeine! As you probably know, State Og Fungal Cream sold remarkably well in its market debut this week. After hundreds of American consumers obeyed the instructions to "rub repeatedly on feet, armpits, face, and especially on genital regions", they woke the next morning to find themselves infested with many interesting species of lichens and toadstools. Helpful Consumer Tip: Buy State Og anti-fungal cream at only two hundred dollars a bottle, or learn to enjoy being a fungoid freak!

 
 

And now for business news: State Og withdrew funding for Save the Homeless in order to start a new charity, "Launch the Homeless into Space". According to the theories of Dr. Johnny Praetorius, a ring of the frozen homeless will act as a defence-net to protect America from Russian missiles. Our other charity project, "Siphon Spinal Fluid from Stolen Pets" is still going strong.

 
 

Good News! The State Og company picnic was our biggest success to date! We would have more information for you, but EPA is not letting anybody near the picnic site until the sulphur-smoke has dispersed. Missing, once again, is reporter Harris Nyler, presumed eaten at the Wolverine Toss event. If anyone stumbles across Nyler or his remains, please refer him to the State Og front desk for his Ritalin.

 
 

Two of our main competitors, Juggernaut Weapons Systems and the Cult of the Soul-Eater, have recently undergone the old napalm housecleaning, and we have scooped up their assets like the megalomaniacal vultures the government says we are. All we can say to this is: "Ha ha ha, you lost and we won and you will die a slow and horrible death while we laugh and pour liquid faeces over your heads!" Bob Karohashi, our resident yakuza assassin, is investigating the matter. As of this writing, the former manager of Juggernaut Weapons Systems has been liquidated. In sulphuric acid.

 
 

*** NEWSFLASH! ***

Location: Swampy, Florida. State Og news hounds have noticed the recent sightings of aliens in the remote town of Swampy, Florida. These aliens have been spotted at the 7-11, China-riffic Take Out, and Earl's Video / Tanning Booth / Oil Change / Mortuary / FarmCenter Store. These aliens don't seem to have any agenda and appear to almost be lethargic. We were able to get an interview from an alien while leaving the local strip club.

SO: Alien, sir? Can we ask you a few questions?
Alien: Why?
SO: Our subscribers are interested in hearing about you.
Alien: Um... I can't... I'm late... for, uh... something.
SO: Do you have any plans for taking over the Earth?
Alien: Oh, yeah, we're definitely gonna do that.
SO: When?
Alien: I don't know. Maybe tomorrow.
SO: Will human lives be spared?
Alien: Sure, I guess.
SO: Where is your spaceship?
Alien: It's in the shop.
SO: What shop?
Alien: You haven't heard of it.
SO: Maybe I have.
Alien: Do you know where... um, Brutcher County is?
SO: No.
Alien: Well it's over there.
SO: Oh. Well, where are you staying?
Alien: A bunch of us got a place off of 5th and Parker Avenue.
SO: And how are you supporting yourselves?
Alien: We hocked some stuff.
SO: Do you plan on conducting breeding experiments with human females?
Alien: There's these chicks from the trailer park that keep hanging around, but they're kind of skanky, you know?
SO: Have you spoken to the President?
Alien: No, our phone got disconnected.
SO: I see, and you haven't spoken to the media, either?
Alien: Hey, I gotta go... I'm meeting somebody...

There you have it folks! Aliens are here on Earth. Strange that they were wearing flip-flops and mu-mus...

 
 

State Og has ended the "Abduct An Alien" campaign to help raise money for the "Lower East Kyossett City Carol Ann Miller Memorial Fund". We thought that this project would definitely be a great opportunity to raise alot of money, but we were wrong. Many companies promised to donate $100,000 for every alien we abducted and brought into our "State Og Mobile Headquarters / Taco Unit", but nobody seemed motivated enough to find or bring in any aliens. Publishing Executive Larry Waller thought that this campaign would surely be a hit after watching an episode of "Sightings" that documented startling facts about the number of Americans abducted by aliens every year. According to Larry, "People probably want to get back at those jerk aliens. Now they'll have an opportunity to, while earning money for a noble and somewhat shady cause". But people apparently did not see it the same way Larry did, as not a single alien was brought in the whole week. But on the bright side, over 250 illegal aliens were brought in and promptly chased into immigration service, courtesy of the boys at "Jim Thompson's Angry Lynch Mob Inc."

– Cthulhu

More State Og

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.