It's the official State Og Health and Beauty day! Celebrating our newly-opened weight-loss clinic in downtown New Jersey, we are dedicating one whole day to improving this beautiful land of ours. First up: Exercise!
Our film studio, Waning Moon Productions, has released a treasure trove of exercise videos to mark this momentous day, and they are now available from sleazy porn-and-snuff movie houses and Blockbuster. Titles include:
Second on the agenda: Urban Beautification! As you probably know, it's a messy world out there, and it could stand to be improved the State Og way. We're already hard at work on making things more pleasing to the eye, so check out our improvements at the State Og tallow refinery right here in New Jersey:
Before: A dreary example of today's soulless corporate industry.
After: A bright and cheery look at a better tomorrow!
As you can see, our allocated $ 7,000,000 budget did not go squandered. We hope to soon beautify the world's other hideous buildings, such as the State Og toxic-waste factory, the State Og beef processing yard, and the Eiffel Tower.
Hygeine! As you probably know, State Og Fungal Cream sold remarkably well in its market debut this week. After hundreds of American consumers obeyed the instructions to "rub repeatedly on feet, armpits, face, and especially on genital regions", they woke the next morning to find themselves infested with many interesting species of lichens and toadstools. Helpful Consumer Tip: Buy State Og anti-fungal cream at only two hundred dollars a bottle, or learn to enjoy being a fungoid freak!
And now for business news: State Og withdrew funding for Save the Homeless in order to start a new charity, "Launch the Homeless into Space". According to the theories of Dr. Johnny Praetorius, a ring of the frozen homeless will act as a defence-net to protect America from Russian missiles. Our other charity project, "Siphon Spinal Fluid from Stolen Pets" is still going strong.
Good News! The State Og company picnic was our biggest success to date! We would have more information for you, but EPA is not letting anybody near the picnic site until the sulphur-smoke has dispersed. Missing, once again, is reporter Harris Nyler, presumed eaten at the Wolverine Toss event. If anyone stumbles across Nyler or his remains, please refer him to the State Og front desk for his Ritalin.
Two of our main competitors, Juggernaut Weapons Systems and the Cult of the Soul-Eater, have recently undergone the old napalm housecleaning, and we have scooped up their assets like the megalomaniacal vultures the government says we are. All we can say to this is: "Ha ha ha, you lost and we won and you will die a slow and horrible death while we laugh and pour liquid faeces over your heads!" Bob Karohashi, our resident yakuza assassin, is investigating the matter. As of this writing, the former manager of Juggernaut Weapons Systems has been liquidated. In sulphuric acid.
*** NEWSFLASH! ***
Location: Swampy, Florida. State Og news hounds have noticed the recent sightings of aliens in the remote town of Swampy, Florida. These aliens have been spotted at the 7-11, China-riffic Take Out, and Earl's Video / Tanning Booth / Oil Change / Mortuary / FarmCenter Store. These aliens don't seem to have any agenda and appear to almost be lethargic. We were able to get an interview from an alien while leaving the local strip club.
SO: Alien, sir? Can we ask you a few questions?
SO: Our subscribers are interested in hearing about you.
Alien: Um... I can't... I'm late... for, uh... something.
SO: Do you have any plans for taking over the Earth?
Alien: Oh, yeah, we're definitely gonna do that.
Alien: I don't know. Maybe tomorrow.
SO: Will human lives be spared?
Alien: Sure, I guess.
SO: Where is your spaceship?
Alien: It's in the shop.
SO: What shop?
Alien: You haven't heard of it.
SO: Maybe I have.
Alien: Do you know where... um, Brutcher County is?
Alien: Well it's over there.
SO: Oh. Well, where are you staying?
Alien: A bunch of us got a place off of 5th and Parker Avenue.
SO: And how are you supporting yourselves?
Alien: We hocked some stuff.
SO: Do you plan on conducting breeding experiments with human females?
Alien: There's these chicks from the trailer park that keep hanging around, but they're kind of skanky, you know?
SO: Have you spoken to the President?
Alien: No, our phone got disconnected.
SO: I see, and you haven't spoken to the media, either?
Alien: Hey, I gotta go... I'm meeting somebody...
There you have it folks! Aliens are here on Earth. Strange that they were wearing flip-flops and mu-mus...
State Og has ended the "Abduct An Alien" campaign to help raise money for the "Lower East Kyossett City Carol Ann Miller Memorial Fund". We thought that this project would definitely be a great opportunity to raise alot of money, but we were wrong. Many companies promised to donate $100,000 for every alien we abducted and brought into our "State Og Mobile Headquarters / Taco Unit", but nobody seemed motivated enough to find or bring in any aliens. Publishing Executive Larry Waller thought that this campaign would surely be a hit after watching an episode of "Sightings" that documented startling facts about the number of Americans abducted by aliens every year. According to Larry, "People probably want to get back at those jerk aliens. Now they'll have an opportunity to, while earning money for a noble and somewhat shady cause". But people apparently did not see it the same way Larry did, as not a single alien was brought in the whole week. But on the bright side, over 250 illegal aliens were brought in and promptly chased into immigration service, courtesy of the boys at "Jim Thompson's Angry Lynch Mob Inc."
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
State Og... what is it? Who knows! Where do they operate? No clue! All we know is they're fairly evil, and nobody dares question the might of State Og!