Remember all those things you wanted to accomplish before autumn? Well, I’ve got bad news. Summer is dying. Its days are numbered, and when it leaves it’s taking your goals with it. Whatever you planned to achieve while the sun was shining, whether it was a new activity, a new worldview, or a new you, well, you’re probably about to fail.
But instead of recognizing this annual failure, why not proactively cancel your goals and instead develop a shell of delusion? It’s simple. All you have to do is replace your ambition with vague excuses. Say that you wanted to go sailing this year, but never got around to it. Sure, you could realize that you’ve wasted the last few moments of your youth at an occupation you hate OR you could tell yourself and those around you that “in 2014 recreational boating led to the deaths of 610 people in the United States and, anyway, life preservers make your nipples chafe.” That’s it. With one good excuse, your regret about failed potential becomes a self-assured pat on the back for saving your life and your nipples.
To help you work through the impending dread of your own failed life, here is a helpful collection of summer themed excuses. Simply recall an unreached goal that you had in May and find the metadata closest to your topic. The excuse won’t be perfect, but it should be vague enough to fool yourself into a numb compliance.
Excuse 1 (Tags: Sun, Camping, Beach, Day Drinking)
“Best case scenario would be sandal tan lines like some Parrot Head Margaritaville turd and worst case scenario I’d get a sunburn on my face that leaves me looking like an extra in a Peter Verhoeven film.”
Excuse 2 (Camping, Cooking Out, Baseball)
“There are places in the world where not having to do that would be considered a privilege only available to the social elite.”
Excuse 3 (Camping, Outdoors)
“Here’s a helpful list of mosquito-borne diseases that I’d love to share with you.”
Excuse 4 (Cook Out, Produce, Fresh)
“Thanks to NAFTA and advancements in flash freezing technology, that food is no longer limited to the part of year most synonymous with heat stroke and thus can actually be enjoyed for once instead of eaten as a temporary escape from misery.
Excuse 5 (Outdoors, Beach, Movement)
“Regardless of how much time and effort I put into my body, sweater season is always closing in. Who am I to fight the inevitable?”
Excuse 6 (Cornhole, Frisbee, Baseball)
“Just because it is hot enough to melt a human brain back down to its basic subhuman functionality doesn’t mean I’m supposed to love children’s games all of a sudden.”
Excuse 7 (Exercise, Body, Outdoors)
“Sweating is your body attempting to reach an equilibrium and isn’t that what insulin does to your glucose levels? So, then wouldn’t exercising be like giving your skin diabetes? Or something? I haven’t figured this one out yet.”
Excuse 8 (Nature, Wildlife, Sun, Movement)
“I get enough of that in the distance between my parking spot and the entrance to my work.”
Excuse 9 (Beach, Sun, Movement, Body)
“Lay around half naked in the boiling sand shoulder to shoulder with strangers? I’ll leave that to the sea lions, thanks. And not the cute sea lions. I’m talking about those gross massive ones. Not that I’m gross and massive, but, like, the people who would be at the beach usually are, what with their back hair and boom boxes playing the jams of the 1970s on repeat. Yeah, no thanks. ”
Excuse 10 (Farmer’s Markets)
“No one likes farmer’s markets.”
Editor's Note: Due to a freak power outage, this obituary of Barbara Bush was written without the benefit of research. In order to pay our respects to this great woman in a timely fashion, we have decided to post this piece as-is. We hope you forgive any errors on our part.
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