Whatever criteria are used to determine what's alive ought to be revised to exclude clams.
I resent koalas because I can't have one.
Ostriches and emus: redundant. Pick one. In fact, let's just cut it down to "llamas."
The anteater is a little too singular in his purpose for my tastes.
What is the tortoise but nature's coward?
The hippopotamus reminds us of everything we hate about ourselves.
They say that being tall predisposes one to success, but I've never seen a giraffe with a corner office.
Tapirs look like something Edward Gorey would draw.
If I were Noah, I would have left the capybaras behind. Not even God would have noticed.
If eagles are so patriotic, where are their bumper stickers?
The guinea pig is a compilation of the worst characteristics of greater animals.
Finding the right hat can feel like walking through a minefield for guys. Did a murderer wear your hat? Was it ruined by bros? Are you just an idiot? Find out with our authoritative ranking of bad hats.
The Amazonians value combat prowess and purity of spirit. By wrestling half naked, they pay homage to both virtues by displaying their battle-forged bodies while preserving as much modesty as their society deems necessary. The gelatin in which they wrestle is symbolic of the fluid nature of battle, a concept the Amazonians call ‘akgor-gra.’
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.