Whatever criteria are used to determine what's alive ought to be revised to exclude clams.
I resent koalas because I can't have one.
Ostriches and emus: redundant. Pick one. In fact, let's just cut it down to "llamas."
The anteater is a little too singular in his purpose for my tastes.
What is the tortoise but nature's coward?
The hippopotamus reminds us of everything we hate about ourselves.
They say that being tall predisposes one to success, but I've never seen a giraffe with a corner office.
Tapirs look like something Edward Gorey would draw.
If I were Noah, I would have left the capybaras behind. Not even God would have noticed.
If eagles are so patriotic, where are their bumper stickers?
The guinea pig is a compilation of the worst characteristics of greater animals.
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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