Sheesh, will you guys ever learn? TRY TURNING ON THE TV ONCE IN A WHILE!
For those of you freshly awakening from a coma and insisting to read this website as the very first thing you do, London suffered over 50 deaths in a terrorist attack last week, shaking the foundation of America's strongest ally. Citizens across the fair and noble land of Britishland found themselves shocked and confused by the surprise attack. How could the country of London, a group of people so closely tied to the internationally respected and revered United States of America, become the target of radical terrorists? Did some filthy jerks somewhere not see the 23-hour looping tapes of George W. "W." Bush "Bush" looking straight forward at the camera and repeating something along the lines of "we'll get all you rascally terrorists if it's the last thing we do" while his one remaining lip trembles in righteousness? There's no way any intelligent being could possibly believe their wanton acts of terror could defeat either America or Britishville; George "Bush" W. said so on TV!!!
Unfortunately, some terrorists apparently lack access to basic cable or were at Applebee's while the news conference aired, and consequently failed to see one of the President's 6000 speeches denouncing terrorism and resolving to stack up radical Islamic corpses like firewood in his majestic Texas ranch. A great problem lies here; how can world leaders possibly extinguish the flames of terrorism when the terrorists repeatedly fail to watch television and learn that Donald Rumsfeld is planning on personally driving up to their house and hog tying them with the horrible chains of freedom? How can we win a war on terror when we don't even know how to fight it?
I sat down and spent this weekend brainstorming solutions to the current quagmire in the Middle East, creating thousands of answers for the problem of rampant terrorism. My wife would repeatedly ask me to change the baby's diapers and I would say, "not right now dear, I'm brainstorming solutions to the world's current quagmire in the Middle East." Then I'd continue to sit on the couch and play Halo 2 with a real serious look on my face. My undying dedication to improving the global community truly makes this marriage a resounding success.
SOLUTION #1: Manufacture some drug which counteracts the effects of being blown up.
America, once known as the land of the free and the home of the brave, has mutated into the land of the medicated and the home of the lawsuit. The pharmaceutical industry has taken over most of this fine country, pumping out a steady stream of designer medications to relieve pain, cause pain, grow hair, cure depression, ease nerves, and solve countless other physical and psychological problems nobody was aware they suffered from until a commercial informed them in graphic detail. If the multi-billion dollar drug industry can spew forth such a wide array of speciality medication, what's stopping them from producing a narcotic which simply prevents people from exploding?
I've been doing a lot of research lately regarding the effects of blowing shit up, mostly in the form of lighting paper towels on fire and screaming "HAPPY NEW YEAR" at my dogs. Now I'm no scientist, but since I am just another faceless coward on the Internet, I'm going to claim I am. Now I'm a scientist, and my studies have conclusively proven that when something blows up, parts of it go flying around everywhere like a cantaloupe thrown off the roof of a paint store. Sometimes these pieces fly into your eye and make you curse while stumbling around blindly, at which point your pants fall down and the neighbors call the authorities once more. Therefore, it would seem to me, that the problem here lies in the fact that our atoms and molecules and crap don't stick together well enough to prevent being blown up. Another problem lies in the fact that I need smaller pants.
Unfortunately, we can't just wrap up all our atoms and molecules with tape to prevent them from flying apart, even if we use that really fancy shiny grey crap at Home Depot. I spent over an hour just trying to find a few of my molecules to glue together last night, and I gave up after the ninth beer. Sure I could hear all my molecules shouting and screaming in Latin inside my head, but I just couldn't view any of them, even when I put on a pair of prescription sunglasses which weren't made for me and caused everything to distort into nausea-inducing blobs of unrefined chaos. This is all dubbed "research" by scientists like myself, and if anybody tells you otherwise, they're lying.
So clearly the time-honored tradition of "fixing crap with a lot of tape" will not work in this case, unless we are somehow able to tape up the terrorists to the back of an elk and then push that elk off a cliff. We need something smaller, a solution which works on a much tinier scale, and the average pill is much more diminutive than the average roll of tape. This is why it's easier to ingest pills and why doctors prescribe them instead of tape rolls, which are nearly impossible to swallow even if you chew them up first. If those corporate fatcat bigwig somethingsomething pharmaceutical jerks realized the anti-explosion industry was crammed full of countless thousand-dollar bills like a pregnant wedding cake on a land mine, perhaps they'd start putting their brainy manpower into a project to keep innocent people like you and I from exploding. Here, I'll even kickstart their ad campaign for them:
EXPLOSIONEX - For the temporary relief of being blown up by terrorist attacks.
Commercial fades in to a family eating dinner. Mom is serving her kids eggs and bacon while the husband reads the paper. They are all frowning for absolutely no reason. Subdued music plays in the background. Zoom in on father.
DAD: (Shaking head) Did you read this, dear? Another terrorist attack killed 18 people in a bus station. Apparently an Islamic fundamentalist strapped explosives to his chest and then dived under a pile of live babies.
MOTHER: If only there was something we could do to protect our children! (Waves her hand towards her kids, just so the really stupid people watching the commercial don't get the kids confused with the eggs)
ANNOUNCER: Well now there is something you can do. Johnson-Heimlich-Fescue-Ringworm Pharmaceuticals know the problems parents have to face every day; work, bills, and stress. So why worry about being exploded in a terrorist attack when you don't have to? Explosionex is the first FDA-approved medication for use specifically to treat the symptoms of being blown up in terrorist attacks.
Cut to a healthy young man and woman running through a really green field of indeterminate plants. They are smiling and having an incredibly wonderful time simply running in a random direction while happy music plays.
ANNOUNCER: Do not take Explosionex if you are pregnant, were pregnant, will ever be pregnant, know somebody who's pregnant, or aren't pregnant. Explosionex may cause dizziness, cramps, muscle spasms, rectal bleeding, Crazy Eye Disease, fatigue, dry mouth, constipation, magnetic attraction to large automobiles, sweaty palms, loss of appetite, gain of appetite, the sensation of a fat man poking your back with a metal flagpole, internal organ liquefaction, an uncontrollable tendency to vote Republican, itchy throat, or a complete nervous system breakdown. Please consult a doctor after watching this commercial.
Cut back to the family eating breakfast. Now they are all happy. The eggs are clearly plastic
MOTHER: Thank you so much, dear, for buying us that prescription of Explosionex! Your purchase of unnecessary consumer goods and / or services truly demonstrates to your peers that you are a capable caretaker with sufficient disposable income and obligatory status symbols!
FATHER: (Confused) Huh?
And to think some people feel celebrities have nothing to say!
SOLUTION #2: Blow up our own citizens and buildings before the terrorists can.
America was founded by daring individuals who believed that if somebody treats you like a jerk, you should not only treat them like a jerk in return, but additionally write really cheesy songs about it while you're wearing a patriotic headband and shaking your head as if to say, "oh hell yeah, I'm shaking my head FOR AMERICA." For example, when Queen Elizabeth the 13th told the Founding Fathers, "let them eat cake," the Founding Fathers responded by throwing a bunch of tea off a boat. Why did they do this? Nobody knows, but many historians suspect this as an early example of Coca Cola's successful lobbying power. The Boston Tea Party, which wasn't really as much of a "party" as it was "illegal," led to the invention of the cotton gin, and established the time-honored tradition of giving jerks a healthy amount of guff.
In addition to being a scientist, I am also a trained psychologist, and the behavior these Islamic extremists presents a classic case of attention starvation. Simply put, they are strapping bombs to themselves and detonating in public locations because they want attention and feel the act of blowing up sets them apart from Joe Nonexplosion Pants. They're kind of like goths except that instead of wearing black clothing and eyeliner, they wear dynamite and grenades, and whine a lot less. If we strip away the whole "hey, look how original I am" aspect of suicide bombing, the inherent thrill and feeling of originality will vanish as well. This is why the US government should start blowing up its own citizens as soon as possible, for the greater good of global security.
Now I am not suggesting the murder of completely random, innocent American citizens. There are plenty of people who should publicly explode, folks who simply deserve to die. First up, anybody screwing around with their cellphone during a movie. Those shitheads have got to go. Every time I go to see any film, there are at least two people in my row playing with their phone during the majority of the movie, distracting me with their bright, glowing screen as they download Crazy Frog ringtones. These people deserve to die, no questions asked. Next up, anybody paying for anything with checks. In an age of instant cash, credit cards, and debit accounts, there is absolutely no goddamn reason for anybody to ever write a check in a grocery store, much less right in front of me in line. If somebody is seen pulling out a checkbook, an unmanned probe should instantly launch a barrage of missiles at that person until they are thoroughly dead and everybody behind them in line can hurry up and buy their stuff without having to wait on some white trash bucket of hair fumbling with a pen and trying to figure out how to spell "98 cents." Additional targets include:
People who listen to rap music at 400000 decibels while driving their crappy two-door Japanese car by my house.
Anybody quoting catchphrases from the Dave Chappelle Show.
Psychopaths who dress their pets in clothing and then hold animated conversations with them in public.
Tom Cruise and anybody who mentions Tom Cruise. Except me, I guess.
As for buildings that deserve to be leveled, let me be the first to nominate the Wendy's on Chipman road near 50 Highway in Lee's Summit, because my wife and I went in there a week ago and the walls were literally covered with flies and roaches. When I mentioned it to the slavering braindead behemoth behind the counter, she merely muttered "oh shit" and SLAPPED A ROACH THE SIZE OF A MOPED WITH A ROLLED UP NEWSPAPER. Then she acted like nothing happened and asked to take our order. It was truly revolting, and I wholeheartedly advise anybody who has eaten there to see a doctor and ask him to euthanize you, because it's only a matter of time before the Queen bursts out of your chest and converts your lifeless carcass to one of her undead legion.
To win the war on terror, we must think outside the box and come up with solutions besides sitting around in filthy towns and shooting people for years. As an important historian once said, "blah blah blah, something something blah blah," so you can see how vital this epic struggle is. Although I infinitely appreciate George "George W. Bush" W. Bush's nonstop appearances on national news networks, I fear his message might not be reaching the target audience. And if there's anything I've learned in my years of being both a scientist and psychologist, it's that when television fails you, one can always fall back on random advice from the Internet.
Click here you mutton head! It's time for the Daily Dirt and oh boy is it daily! And dirt.
Editor's Note: Due to a freak power outage, this obituary of Barbara Bush was written without the benefit of research. In order to pay our respects to this great woman in a timely fashion, we have decided to post this piece as-is. We hope you forgive any errors on our part.
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