These pictures of adorable puppies will help you through this.
This is Ben "Greasnin" Platt here with your Monday article. I know you were expecting the hijinks of Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons, who usually writes on Mondays, but I am here in his place. Wait - sit back down and take a deep breath. Exhale. Good, now let's talk about this. I'm sure you have a lot of questions. This is a traumatic experience for all of us, but with a little patience, a pinch of understanding, and just a dash of compassion, we'll make it through this difficult time with our spirits high and without having to put our therapists on speed dial.
Let's get right to the heart of the matter. It's Monday, and I'm writing. Where is Zack? Well, you may have noticed that Zack wrote yesterday, which is normally considered the twenty-four hour Greasninathon. You're probably wondering how and why this switch occurred. Was I demoted to the Monday slot because of the general shittiness of my last few articles? Well, let's not say things we don't mean. Personally, I don't think that writing on a Monday is a demotion at all. Mondays are when people return to work and school. It's the day when everyone tends to be in a dour mood about the seemingly endless stretch of weekdays laying before them. They need to be able to take a little break from the monotony of learning or earning money to deliberately waste their teacher or employers time by looking at a humor website. The Monday writer has the solemn and all-important responsibility of making sure these individuals can find a bit of laughter to make their days a little more bearable.
Aww... I used to have a dog that looked like that. Zack didn't. That's one more difference between us, but it's okay.
Not that there's anything wrong with Sunday. In addition to kicking off the week in earnest, the Sunday writer has the advantage of writing on many of the major holidays. Other writers will typically ignore an approaching holiday because they know it's the territory of the Sunday writer. It's like getting free articles a few times every year. Yes, there's no beating Sunday. It's definitely the best day to write for. But don't worry, I'll be back on Sundays by next week. This was a one-time thing. I wanted to be there for you yesterday, I really and truly did, but circumstances would not allow it. Like Zack said, I had to spend the day drinking and whoring, and that took precedence. It's not that I like drinking and whoring more than I like entertaining you - the Something Awful readers, it's just that I was out drinking and whoring on behalf of the United States government. You understand.
Now, for today, I may do things a little differently than Zack. For instance, while we both enjoy answering your questions, he does so in a Q&A format, whereas I simply impose questions upon you and answer them as best suits my interests. Also, whereas Zack has a good working relationship with longtime Something Awful contributor El Pinto Grande, I have refused to speak with the bigshot luchadore since I caught him looking at Leonard J. Crabs' hand during a friendly game of poker. I know these differences seem large and scary at first, but you should not allow yourself to become irrationally upset. Just remain calm and we'll deal with this together, as friends. I think you'll find you have the inner strength to get through this tough period without it disrupting your normal pattern of behavior. Just tell your friends, family, and co-workers that you may be a little on edge today, so that if you lose control for a moment and snap at someone close to you, they will know that it is not because of something they did, but because two of the Something Awful writers have switched days on you this week. If you find yourself experiencing more serious maladies, refer to the informative advice found below:
To us, this picture is incredibly cute. To the Chinese, it's an appetizer platter.
If your scalp becomes itchy, dunk your head into a bucket of water. Then dunk it (your head, not the bucket) into a bucket of buttermilk. Then take a shower. You're covered with buttermilk, for Christ's sake!
If you have trouble finding the motivation to get out of bed after hearing that Zack and I switched days this week, call a local psychologist and tell him he's a pompous, annoying, warty bastard and nobody likes him. This will make you feel better about yourself and motivate you to go out into the world to tell people what you did.
If you have uncontrollable muscle spasms in your arms and hands that make typing nearly impossible, send a detailed email to firstname.lastname@example.org.
If you feel a stinging sensation in your anus, stand up and check to see if you are sitting on a tack or pin of some sort. If so, remove the sharp object and sit back down. If not, go to the bathroom and poop immediately. Brace yourself for an unpleasant experience.
If your nose or other facial features fall off suddenly, have a friend take a picture, or try to take one yourself. Then send me the picture. I'm sure it will be hilarious, plus it will provide fodder for my upcoming article, ELEAWTA: Leper Hunt!
If you experience loss of appetite or nausea, take some doctor-approved Maalox. Or, alternately, smoke some pot. They're both good.
If hair sprouts on any part of your body not normally covered in hair, do one of the following: if you are under thirteen years of age, do not be concerned. You are just becoming a man, regardless of the sex you are right now. If you are fourteen or older, you are dying. Sorry.
If you experience terrible gas, go out and buy several dogs to blame it on. If you are female, please call me. I don't care that you have gas. We don't get many females around here.
If you experience spontaneous combustion, turn on a fan. Maybe have a popsicle. Or why don't you just explode for no reason again, blow-up boy?
No matter what, just keep telling yourself, "It's only a website." I promise, I'll be back to my old tricks on Sunday and Zack will be editing the Geist as always next Monday. It's a promise! That is, unless the government decides I'm needed for strategic whoring purposes again.
Nitro Was The Best American Gladiator
Hey fellow internetkateers, Taylor "Pimpy P" Bell here with a prediction for the future: Nitro Family will turn out to not be a very good game! How can I say that, you ask? I played and reviewed the demo!
This terrible design is a shame, because Nitro Family could have been really cool. It’s designed as a dual-weapon first person shooter, meaning each hand carries a weapon that can be switched, fired or reloaded independently of the other. The weapon-sales girl at the beginning claimed that the gameplay is focused around using two guns at once for combo attacks, but I began to doubt the truth of this statement when I realized it was a lie. A combo attack is when you use two different weapons to juggle enemies around – for example, you can launch an enemy into the air with a rocket launcher and then shoot him out of the air with a shotgun. This seemed like a very new and exciting innovation until I realized I’d been doing the same thing for years as a soldier in TFC. The weapon girl told me that I could do combo attacks to earn money to buy her upgraded weapons, but her weapons were overpriced and they sucked, so I skipped them and ordered a Shoot You In the Face With a Rocket, Bitch.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.