Getting To Know Us
Hi folks, this is Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell with a special update. After State Og's recent appearance in worldwide headlines (the octopus incident), we've been receiving attention from millions of people who hadn't previously heard of us. I guess our global subliminal advertising campaign hasn't beenkill your parents and the cast of Mr. Belvedere working. In any event, there is an entire assload -possibly two assloads- of people who don't know what State Og is, or what our goals are. There's also an assload of people who don't know about my penchant for melodrama, but that has nothing to do with the topic at hand. OR DOES IT?
To help these newcomers understand what State Og is all about, I've drafted this very official-looking Mission Statement/FAQ/Banana Nut Bread Recipe.
State Og is a corporation run by a shadowy group of (mostly) human board members who convene in a shadowy and mysterious conference room and sit in very shadowy chairs. They try not to get up very often out of a fear that they'll bump into a shadowy wall, or hit their head on a shadowy lamp. They haven't been able to leave this room for three years, and have placed me in charge of the company until their eventual rescue/death.
Through our numerous products and services, we simply want to make the world a better place, and to move it a little closer to the sun. We aim to spread our cold and uncaring fingers into every facet of your life, and also into Ross Perot's ears just because we're curious. I bet there's stuff in there that's even more dated than this reference!
We aim to make money just as every business does, but this company isn't about wealth. It's about taking it to the streets and shaking it up. It's about freedom, liberty, and puppies. It's about putting it in when she's asleep, then saying it was an accident when she wakes up and pretends to be mad.
We're also a very generous corporation, one that never unintentionally shoots the homeless. Whether you're the lowliest hobo or the hobo that's slightly better off, we treat everyone with the same amount of respect. Because really, when you take away our homes and all of our money, aren't we all hobos?
Q: Is State Og evil? Because everyone tells me that it is, and moments later they mysteriously explode in a gruesome (but WAY cool) cloud of blood and flesh.
A: Well, that depends on how you define the word "evil". If you define it as "a small, timid rodent that has reproduces asexually", then no, we are not evil.
Q: I purchased a State Og PC online, but when I opened the box, what was inside was clearly a dead monkey with the word "computer" written on his back with glitter and glue. What gives?
A: We apologize for any inconvenience. The shipping department must have forgotten to poke airholes in the box. Just send back the box, and we'll ship your new "computer" right away.
Q: Our Servebot 3000 has been a lot of help around the house. Lately I've caught it staring at me creepily, and have been waking up with a peculiar substance on my face that tastes sort of like motor oil. Wha?
A: IT IS NOTHING.
Q: You are standing in an open field west of a white house, with a boarded front door. There is a small mailbox here.
A: >open mailbox
Q: One of the employees at your Og World theme park pushed me down a flight of stairs and stole my wallet. He then went on a killing spree, leaving items from my wallet at the scene of each crime in order to frame me. I was convicted for his crimes and am currently serving a 207 year sentence. My question is: what's that dangly thing in the back of your throat?
A: That's called a "uvula". It's commonly confused with a similarly named female body part, the "clitoris".
Banana Nut Bread Recipe
- 1 cup butter or margarine
- 2 cups sugar
- 4 eggs
- 1/4 teaspoon salt
- 2 teaspoons soda
- 4 cups flour
- 6 large bananas, very ripe, mashed
- 1 cup finely chopped pecans
Cream together butter and sugar. Add eggs, one at a time, beating after each addition. Sift dry ingredients together; add to creamed mixture. Stir in bananas and chopped pecans.
Pour banana nut bread batter into 2 well greased loaf pans; bake at 325° for about 1 hour and 15 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. This banana nut bread recipe makes 2 loaves.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
State Og... what is it? Who knows! Where do they operate? No clue! All we know is they're fairly evil, and nobody dares question the might of State Og!