Mayor Wilkins here with another happy Goldmine. Since I'm out of the country this week, it'll be short and horrifying, because I won't be getting any angry e-mail that's sent to me.

Guess what this week's theme is. Go ahead and guess. No, that's wrong. No, that's also wrong. I'll go ahead and tell you - this week's theme is sex with old people. That's right, forum goons wrote various haiku about banging old people. It's all forum goon Niabzel's fault, and he should probably be shot.


Sex is like winter
I stop to breathe in the breeze
Grey pubes and talcum

You learn as you age
Canes have more than one good use
They make you come harder

You remember Taft
I only know back to Bush
Scat remains the same


metamucil now
opens river of brown love
will you remember?

I ache for your love
Like bones ache for calcium
will you remember?

thrust it deep inside
You feel nothing, what is wrong?
Oh God...inside cat.


Moving in tandem
I shatter your other hip
Maybe we should stop


Wrinkles turn to creeks
The salt water forms a pool
Beneath her bottum

So little time left
We fuck for the past and now
But not the future


old, wrinkled penis
ejaculates cloud of dust.
Thank you, viagra.

Grandma and Grandpa
Making the beast with two backs.
Priapism cure.


Hanging breasticles,
look like melting icicles.
I suck on their ends.

Mouthing wrinkly bags;
A taste fills my mouth but not
milk; the taste of cheese.


Little pinkish folds
Feeling tighter than it should
Wait, that's not her cooch...

Knitting needles sting
Throws my aim off way too low
Came on her girdle

Squishy and wet like
Fucking a watermelon
Put your teeth back in.

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The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.

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