Star Wars: The Force Unleashed bills itself as the forciest Star Wars game to date (runner up: Yoda's Desktop Adventures). You take on the role of Galen "Starkiller" Marek, Darth Vader's secret apprentice and force-sensitive equivalent of a Harlem Globetrotter with a repertoire of powers so extensive that the developers ran out of feasible button combinations to execute them.
Only a quarter of Marek's moves are documented in the game itself. The rest are fully implemented in the game's engine, waiting for players with enough memory and patience to pull them off.
The following button combinations are for the Xbox 360 version of Force Unleashed. If you are playing on the Playstation 3, simply replace the A B X Y buttons by "tapping" the morse code of each letter with rapid up-and-down movements of the Sixaxxis motion controller.
The force levitates your enemy, then passes a hula hoop around their body to show that no wires are being used.
Marek grimaces and twirls his hands around erratically, leaving behind glowing trails of the force as a throbbing techno beat thumps away. While this move is active, Marek converts the attention of other people into health and genuinely believes he is creative and talented.
Performs a force-colonoscopy on a stormtrooper. Any polyps that are discovered will be removed, then placed directly on the stormtrooper's tongue.
Initiates Marek's idle animation.
You know Scanners, the movie where people's heads blow up? This takes control of your enemy and forces him to recreate the most memorable part of that movie, where a guy walks from one side of the room to another.
Deflects incoming blaster fire directly towards Marek's heart.
Begins a lengthy and unnecessary explanation that the Force is actually Midi-Chlorians. Affects all enemies within 100 feet, causing them to shake their heads so violently that they suffer severe concussions.
Turns an enemy Jedi/Sith's lightsaber into a harmless sword.
The force swirls round and round, forming a tornado capable of destroying Wookiee-built trailer homes and nothing else.
Correct someone's grammar during a cutscene.
Uses the force to choke an android. Lasts as long as it takes to realize that this has no use.
When you duck into a cave to take a quick breather from PVP and come face to face with a reanimated dwarf skeleton sporting a full beard, you'll realize that this is the greatest MMO ever made. 9/10
So good, it makes the first half of Crysis look like the last half of Crysis. 8/10
Star Wars: The Force Unleashed
Almost enough to take away the pain inflicted on us by Star Wars: The Clone Wars - almost. 7/10
Rock Band 2
The best content pack + minor patch disguised as a sequel you'll ever buy! 8/10
The most horrific pugilism-related tragedy since Fox's Celebrity Boxing. 3/10
The addition of iceskates makes this year's version the best in years. 8/10
Summer Athletics: The Ultimate Challenge
The ultimate challenge: finding a reason to play yet another collection of straightforward minigames. 4/10
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
Sorry about the blurry photo. I was lunging at my phone, yelling at it to take a clear picture. It's the only image of me that exists. I'd take another picture for you, but I'm in the middle of a rigorous trampoline session.
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