I don’t think this article is going to need a lot of fancy introduction. Sometimes when I make fun of a band, people get angry. Sometimes, when people get angry, they get stupid. Sometimes, when people get stupid, they write e-mail. And when people get stupid and write e-mail, somehow it always winds up in my inbox. Last time on Your Band Sucks I gave in to huge popular demand and made fun of Coheed and Cambria. Apparently I can’t please all of the people all of the time, because there were some people out there who- get this- didn’t like it. Who’d have thought?

...I could only imagine how moranic the writer was.I really didn't think that anyone would actually pay someone with such an incoherant and misinformed taste in music to write reviews that made me chuckle not because they were funny, but because I could only imagine how moranic the writer was. Someone with such dislike for an up-and-coming band like coheed must obviously be in the wrong profession. Even if one does not like coheed, they at least have to appreciate their musical daring and sheer talent. I can only imagine what kind of music appeals to you (white trash pop rock, rap, and other jibber-jabber like that I am guessing). Thank you for making me laugh though, your article was quite hilarious in its rambling, misinformed stupidity. yours truely,

-Pete.

p.s.- coheed is awsome and you suck

Thank you, Pete. If I’ve succeeded in making just one person laugh, I have done my job (just like how if a maternity doctor delivers just one baby, he has done his job). I’m not generally much of a nit-picker about spelling and grammar, but I thought I’d point out a small mistake you made: you referred to me as “Moranic,” which is often incorrectly used to mean “resembling Rick Moranis.” While it is absolutely true that I resemble Rick Moranis, the correct word is “Moranisesque.”

I'll allow you to have your opinion. I gotta question though: In the future could you please bash without using fallacies?

All rules about fallacies aside, youre a cock. Kill yourself.

-Ryan

Ryan, while I resent and deny this allegation, I must take it seriously. The humorists employed by Something Awful are held to the most rigorous of logical standards, and exhaustive inquests are ordered in all cases in which logical fallacies are suspected. After poring over the language of my article and translating the entire thing into an elaborate formal proof, Something Awful’s logical affairs bureau has concluded, with iron-clad certainty, that you are a cock.

If people who listen to coheed and cambria are nerds, you must be a nerd too, since all you do is tell people whats good or bad.

-Jim

I’m not quite sure if this guy’s premises add up. Maybe I’ll get the guy from the last letter to tutor him in the fine art of debate.

your a worthless peice of shit with no friends. You’re a dumbass computer nerd who knows nothing about the world outside your computer screen. You should probably kill yourself because you and your faggot website are worth almost as much as the shit on the bottom of my shoe.

P.S. when you kill yourself have someone send pictures so I can look at your dead sorry ass

-Sven

Is your computer outside or something? If not, quit tracking shit into the house, you gross son of a bitch.

Hey you, stfu its a great album produced by a great band, if you dont like it then FUCK OFF HOME

-Parker

I am home. Case closed.

David...

Do you play a instrument?? Flute or clarinet or anything?? I'm just wondering because that would just prove that you are a true jackass with a website spouting off on something that you have no clue about. Me and a friend of mine have a bet on this. Please advise.
Thanks

-A couple of Coheed fans

That’s not fair, you guys. The mere fact that somebody plays an instrument is no proof at all that they’re a jackass with no clue what they’re talking about. I’m sure there are plenty of intelligent people in the world who play musical instruments. For example, the members of Coheed and Cambria play instruments, and they’re certainly not jackasses, right? Wait, actually, that’s a bad example.

j00 is teh bomb. j00 is mah hero =)

Rock on
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-Matt

You know what, I’m just going to file that under “hate mail.”

How old are you anyway...a treasure chest made of hardened barf filled with bricks of poop...that is immature...and you sound like a child.

-JoHandco

The joke’s on you, philistine, I stole that line from Hemingway!

Nice bathroom.Well first I'd like to ask you that if you put this in a future hate mail page, don't put a fake dumbass picture of me trying to make you look good, even though there aren't any pictures of you on your site (shocker). Coheed and Cambria are amazing, and the writers at Alternative Press agree, because they have been on the front cover of the magazine twice, in march and November 2004. You complain about the fact that there's a scifi thing involved in the songwriting - I don't follow that. You don't need to to enjoy the music. Claudio and the band's sexual orientation does not interest me. It is just a rumor that any of them are gay or bi, but even if it is true, why should that affect their music or your review? I am straight, but not homophobic like you, hindered by Claudio's high voice. You think you will sound "cool" by knocking his voice, when actually it is just a figment of the fact that you are unsure of your sexual orientation. It pains you to face the fact that women don't appeal to you. You wonder why you don't get any mail that praises your dislike of other bands because no one agrees with your taste. Its things like your taste that makes people wonder if there truly is a solid line between fact and opinion. An opinion can only go so far against everyone else's until they don't respect yours anymore because it's so horribly ridiculous. You say that it's annoying how everyone likes Coheed and Cambria when, maybe, that's just a result of their good taste and your bad. You're pulling this ET shit out of your ass, he doesn't look anything like him and you know it. But even if he did look like ET, why should that affect your review of the music?? You take these random irrelevant things, throw them into your negligence of a review, and hope that someone, somewhere, will agree with you. sorry. -John

Since John didn’t want me to use a fake picture of him, I asked him for a real one. So see for yourself: he really does look that smug in real life! Yow! Don’t worry about there being no pictures of me on the site, because people who have seen me can vouch for my sexoriffic handsomeness:

HaHa! Good article on Coheed!

Not! You loser. You probably pray to God everyday that you'll be even half as talented as Claudio or even make 1/10 of his sallary. You're a jealous, ugly (yeah, I saw your hideous ass on G4...or was that your face?), nerdy, fudge-packing piece of horse shit.

Sincerely,
Coheed Fan

I messed with the wrong band. I should have known that Coheed and Cambria fans are masters of the comeback; in all my years of hate-mail-receiving, I believe this is the first time I’ve been sucker-punched with such a devastatingly well-placed “not!” There’s only one thing that could possibly surpass “not” in the world of mind-blowing elite zings:

After reading this review, I must admit my fears of SA going downhill have been reaffirmed. From usually hitting the nail on the head, you now miss the board completely. Irregardless of the album itself, your commentary is, at best, something AWFUL. I suggest hiring some new talent ( and not accepting every p.o.s. for photo-fri.) -Jim

That’s right, folks, he pulled out the big guns. Something Awful… is… “awful”? Well, that’s the end of us, we’re ruined. Every time somebody points out the fact that our site has the word “awful” in its name, we die a little bit inside. I bet Richard “Lowtax” Kyanka is rolling in his grave right now, his restless spirit wondering why he didn’t name the site “Something Wonderful” in order to spare his future writers the pain and agony of having the massive zing-loophole of the site’s name constantly thrown in our faces. As if I didn’t feel bad enough after this, Sergio has to make me feel even worse:

i dont like coheed much, but that was fucked up

-Sergio

Maybe he’s right. Maybe I went too far this time. I believe this is the first time someone has e-mailed me and said “I don’t even like the band you made fun of, but that was pretty harsh.” Please accept my apologies, Sergio. I hereby retract everything I said about Coheed and Cambria.

Thank you for your time and your concern.Okay, first of all, I am not writing you to insult you on your review of Coheed and Cambria. I am writing to you because I am concerned on how you think you can just write on a particular subject, and insult the fans so much, that even the most non-caring and nonsupporting fans feel obliged to write to you. It is normal for most reviewers, or, whatever your profession may be, to give negative reviews, and I entirely support that. I do however think that your opinion is very biased in the fact that you are not willing to accept others art as respectable.

Your idea of art may be totally different than one others idea, and so on, and I'm sure others can interpret your review the same way. However, the way you wrote it left no room for interpretation, you simply said that they were pretty much the worst band ever, and that no one should ever give them a try. This is far from the truth as there is MUCH art in what they do. Their songs may be a little on the awkward you could say, or, bizarre, but that does not change the fact of what they are trying to accomplish.

They write graphic novels and "stories" to go along with each album. People have compared these stories to "Star Wars" and various animes. In your work, you detailed this as being a "nerds band." Perhaps you are aiming this at the wrong crowd, as I know most people LOVE Star Wars, and the site features many reviews on anime based video games. This you cannot deny, that you simply were not thinking about who you targeted this to, as there are many "nerds" on this site. The songs are written in such a way that they can fuse the story that is created for the band, along with their music, and their graphic novels. This is very hard to accomplish, and you should give them a little credit for this. Although, like I said, your work is very biased in the fact that you didn't even know this! I wasn't a Coheed and Cambria fan at first when I heard their lead singer's voice, and saw his picture. However, I haven't seen any pictures of YOU, so then again, he may not be the ugliest man in the world, but you're just attacking him out of your own insecurity perhaps? Never the less, you have no right to judge the man by how he dresses or upholds himself, as he has the choice to do so however he wants, it is what makes him happy. While I may not parade around with a football shaped afro, he does it with the utmost confidence, and if he likes it, let him be.

His voice is what makes the music unique. Not every singer can force his voice to reach such obscure notes, but most singers can in fact make them deeper. This goes to show that he is very talented at what he does. While at times I find the tone of his singing questionable, it is over ruled by how beautifully they combine the story, with the songs, and with the graphic novels.

It seems that in your own immaturity and lack of open-mindedness, you have angered even the most lackadaisical fan, and caused him to write back to you in distress on your review. I would not have done this without a purpose. I am not asking you to remove your review, or alter it in any way. I do, indeed ask you to please for the sake of everyone, that you be more open minded in your reviews, and not be so quick to judge. The lyrics, and the sound may be two crucial elements of a song, but are in fact, not all there is to it. As for your comment on a junior high school dropout blowing these guys out of the water, I have yet to see any album of yours on the shelves.

Thank you for your time and your concern
-Tempest

Don’t be so quick to thank me, Tempest! Unfortunately, I get a lot of long-winded mail telling me how immature and narrow-minded I am, so I was unable to give your giant document either time or concern. Tempest, please summarize your main points in twenty words or less and e-mail me again. Please note that I have changed me e-mail address to [email protected]

After wading through way too many angry e-mails, sometimes it’s nice to kick back on the good ol’ Something Awful Forums, where people understand that my articles are jokes and don’t write lengthy diatribes about what a loser I am. Well, most of them, anyway. A forum member by the name of “Propayne” managed to prove that there is no safe haven from stupidity on the internet. This monolith of moronity was posted in Something Awful’s own music forum:

I have more of a concept of what music and art is than this spiteful, whiny, arrogant dick ever will. Boom. Headshot.Who's ready for some closed minded, musical-elitist snobbery? Wait, you're not? Well neither was I when I read the front page review of Coheed's newest album. I'll preface this by saying that, pretty well all the things he said about Claudio's haircut are dead-on. But I would like to read an album review in which the accurate arguments are against the quality of music rather than the lead singe's personal appearance. I'll also agree about how the auhr catergorizes the genres of meal, emo and prog-rock. Emo is queer and metal is awkward. Metal is Pantera and emo is Taking Back Sunday, however. I fail to draw any accurate comparison between the music of Coheed and the abysmal tripe that is Emo Music. As far as I'm concerned, what makes emo emo is asinine vapid bitchy lyrics and dull, uninspired instrumental tracks. Coheed's lyrics are very clever and obviously well thought out, as opposed to emo that only manages to complain about the latest girl that left whoever. Also, if a concept album is nerdy than I suppose that The Mars Volta, The Blood Brothers, Thrice, and Fear Before the March of Flames all fall under the catergory of nerd rock also. Or was the idea of the concept album being nerdy perhaps premature? Also, Coheed's instrumental work is WAAAY under-rated by the author of that review, as evidenced by the fact that he compares them to Limp Bizkit. The guitar work is undeniably intricate and flowing, and the bassist is probably one of the most talented in contemporary rock, although I will admit that that is not much of a qualifier. Watch some of the stuff he does on the LIVE at Starland Ballroom DVD and tell me that's not skill. As far as the review goes, I'll just counterpoint it with a rebuttal, of sorts, of my own.

TRACK 1
There is one art of the original review I agree with. The first word. Beyond that I would say, not only is this essentially a mood-setting peice and therefore should not be judged by the standards of an actual track on the album, but also that I fail to see how song could be considered that obnoxiously repetetive and "comatose" when the track's run time barely tops 2 minutes.

TRACK 2
First off the song has nothing to do with children "singing and shit," but I do agree, yet again, with a small portion of the original review. Claudio's voice does put Coheed in a class of their own, a class which seems sorely underpopulated in today's musical scene. Namely: the class of musicians with an ounce of originality. Not only does Thorpe's constant scathing criticism of everything semi-out-of-the-ordinary that Coheed does make me wonder what he actually enjoys listening to, it also makes very apparant his, once again, closed minded musical snobbery. And just because he admits he's a snob doesn't make it any less irritating.

TRACK 3
Thorpe's comparison to tetris here makes me wonder if he ever actually played that game. That is the argument for someone who can't think of anything legitimate to say about a fantastic song. That's like saying Metallica ripped Enter Sandman off Inspector Gadget, just changed the rhythm. Find something that sounds similar and say that its plagarism. The fact is that this song absolutely rocks. It's driven and inspired and melodic. Plus, that is one massive guitar wank. Tell me that doesn't make you just want to play guitar, just a little bit?

TRACK 4
OK, so you didn't listen to this track. Either you just cleverly illustrated your dislike for the band, or you couldn't actually think of anything wrong with this tune to complain about (foreshadowing the review of tracks 6,7, and 11 also). All Thrope manages to say is that this song actually has a melody, then moves on. A solid song, with, again, fun guitar parts and interesting vocal melody.

TRACK 5
Again, another track review completely lacking substance and covering a non-argument with a funny comment. Explain to me how his song is emo. I'll concede if anyone can justify that comment. It's pop-ish. I'll give you that. But pop-rock, taken with a grain of salt can be fun. But emo?

TRACKS 6 & 7
Both going along with the feel of the album, both fun, entertaining songs, both with their own merits, and both comepletely ignored for the sake of "length." Whatever. Francis the Mute, 2 or 3 Tool albums, and countless other great CD's all top 75 minutes. More music for your money? Or do all of those fall below the scope of the good doctor's "art?"

TRACK 8
So, OK, what your telling me is that you hate metal, but this song sucks because it's not metal enough to be and 80's MONSTER BALLAD? Make up your mind. This is arguably the best song on this album, IMO. It's catchy and melodic. And heartfelt. Not emo, but emotional, and there's nothing wrong with putting feeling into your art, like any painter or sculptor would do.

TRACK 9
I will say, that this video is dumb as shit. And that's all he talks about. OK. I'm pretty sure that was a CD review. I'm not watching the CD. I'm listening to it.

TRACK 10
I like this track. It gets stuck in my head. Whatever. Calling it filler is just another cop out because the good doctor can only think far enough into this album to talk about emo and ugly hair.

TRACK 11
I HATE this track. I think it's the worst one on the album. But he skipped it so I guess I will too.

TRACKS 12-15
Hmmm... here we manage to completely bypass anything resembling a review of the songs, rather, we just repeat the same empty, narrow minded bitching and insults composed of enough polysyllables and pretentious bullshit to make the average reader completely forget that all Doc is saying is is: completely nothing. Art is art even if you don't like it. And yes. I am a nerd. But I have more of a concept of what music and art is than this spiteful, whiny, arrogant dick ever will. Boom. Headshot.

Here, let me write a brief rebuttal: you got really upset about a humor column called “Your Band Sucks” for its lack of objectivity. I hate to say “the joke’s on you," Propayne, but in this case the joke was literally on you, and everyone like you. “Boom. Headshot.”

As always, if you need any complicated jokes on the internet explained for you, don't hesitate to e-mail me at [email protected]. Lord knows we wouldn't want to see you made a fool of on some moranic web page.

– Dr. David Thorpe (@Arr)

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About This Column

According to Dr. David Thorpe and "Your Band Sucks," the music you hold dear is actually unimportant, dull, and staggeringly awful. Everything from folk music to terrorcore-techstep is absolute garbage that has somehow fallen off the trash heap of modern music and found its way into your CD player.

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