Noachide Commandments, submitted by Dave. It's not my place to question the validity of a website's claim to be a reliable religious authority. Well, actually it is my place, but I'm not going to. All I'm saying is that the title of this site is "Noachide Commandments," and it's supposed to be talking about the Noahide Commandments. That's a bad sign, right there. But it's also a fair indication of the kind of questionable spelling, grammar, and punctuation that make this site such an enjoyable read. And talk about informative! The author's writing style is uniquely effective. He raises questions, then manages to avoid answering them and deflecting his own exposition to a new topic with an incredible efficiency. Here's the basic gist:

God handed seven commandments down to Noah, long before the Jewish faith was established, and therefore before Charlton Heston brought forth the ten commandments unto us all. These Noahide commandments are as follows:

1. Hey, look over there!

2. There's something behind you!

3. Excuse me, I think I hear the phone ringing.

4. What? No, I'm not trying to change the subject. It's just that... ooh, a penny!

Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera

Okay, so we never actually get to be enlightened as to what these magical commandments are. A few of them are mentioned in passing, and they're basically just the important ones from the ten that we're all familiar with. One thing's for sure about the Noahide commandments, though, Jews don't want to talk about them! Or any religion, as a matter of fact. A large chunk of this site is devoted to not really answering the question of why Jews are so secretive about their beliefs. Now, there's a reason for all these questions without answers. The author is trying to push his book, which supposedly should clear all these things up. George Allen McCabe, a Christian (surprise!), is an expert on those wacky little nutballs we call the Jews. Frankly, I have some doubts as to just how knowledgeable this great expert really is, considering he seems to view Jews much the way Jane Goodall viewed her chimps: fascinating creatures to observe, but you can't get too close, or it will disturb their natural habitat and behavior.

Much is known about the Jews and what they may believe, but little understood of why or what scriptures they use or how they interpret scriptures through the eyeglasses of a Jew, especially what they expect in their messiah.

Many of the previous questions are discussed in the book. How Jews would answer them.

The last thought: Jews are not interested in sharing their views for various reasons. Don't expect the Jews to come to you. They won't, and most likely they will not discuss this subject with you. If they did it would take you many years to accumulate the information that is in this Book Thy God Is One.

Yes, we Jews are a furtive bunch. We burrow into our little holes and discuss our faith with one another, making sure no outsiders ever hear a word of it. Of course, it's also possible that we tend to keep our beliefs to ourselves since historically every time we open our mouths, we get killed and persecuted for a few hundred years. It's also possible that despite being crazy aliens, we don't like to just go up to random people and force them to listen to our entire belief structure. However, it's really not that tough to find out a great deal about Judaism. McCabe apparently got all his information by skulking in the bushes outside the Goldstein's place night after night. The thought of walking into a temple, sitting down with a rabbi, and saying, "tell me what you think about (insert any topic here, rabbis love to talk)" never crossed his mind. Oh wait, it did, but rabbis, of course, cannot be trusted.

Can you believe everything you hear from a Rabbi?

Caution: There are many Christian Gentile men running around claiming to be rabbis, pinning badges on each other declaring themselves Rabbis imitating Jews by wearing the kippas and prayer shawls and imitating their customs. Because they know very little about Judaism, they are misleading Gentiles with incorrect information. Usually supporting a Christian view.

WHAT? Are you honestly saying that a bunch of Christians who know nothing about Judaism, despite it being remarkably similar to their own faith, have formed a society in which they ordain one another as rabbis, purchase complete outfits, start temples, lead congregations, and devote their entire lives to making sure that other gentiles don't learn about Judaism, either? Oh of course, it's so simple! Now excuse me, while I go to my super-top-secret meeting with my other Jewish conspirators to plot how we will never reveal the super-top-secrets of our super-top-secret meetings.

– Ben "Greasnin" Platt

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