I've been on a date before, as far as you know, and it went great, as far as you know. However, not everyone has been as lucky as me. What follow are 100% real* date stories, courtesy of the Something Awful goons.
Asked this girl out in my later days of college who was all into abstract art dressed all goofy and shit but was pretty hot. I was just a regular dude that wore jeans and tshirts all the time and I never actually thought this liberal artsy weirdo would accept, but she did. I go pick her up and make her chicken stir fried rice. She's watching me make all this while chit chatting with me, then after I make her plate she says she's a vegetarian and doesn't eat anything. Ok. So after I awkwardly eat my dinner we walk to this party. We go upstairs in this building and enter a small apartment full of free thinker weirdo's and art majors. She immediately takes off and starts floating around the party hugging and chatting it up with everyone. The only thing there to drink was this weird green punch shit with a dash of vodka in it. I get a cup and mill about for a while before I end up sitting down and watching people. The girl says nothing to me the entire time. Eventually some dude comes up to me and gives me some flowers because he thought I was cute and also felt terrible for me. When we leave, she brings along some other dude and we walk back toward where my place was, when we got to the alleyway where you'd turn down to go to my studio apartment was, she just kept walking with the other guy, didn't say a word to me.
I once hooked up with this girl and we went back to her basement suite and were drinking and fooling around on this concrete patio kinda thing out the back of the place and I needed to go piss and she told me go through that room turn right/left etc
I went into the room and it was pitch black except for the light from a monitor sitting on top of 3 plastic milk crates that illuminated the face of a 10 year old korean kid that I think she was babysitting or something? And he was playing brood war and I was like hey haha make sure you put your lurkers on the top of the ramp uh *cough* and then I went piss and it was really fucked up tbh
Went on a date with a girl in College. Went out to a restaurant and everything was pretty fine. Then at the end of the date, we end up leaving through a different way than we came in and it goes past this old spiral staircase, and things get weird:
Girl "It's sad"
Me "What is?"
Girl "The woman that killed herself here"
Girl "A woman threw herself down this stairwell to kill herself. Her ghost is still here"
It was a strange end to an otherwise normal date.
One day all I ate was expired lemonade and Andy caps hot fries.
Later I went with this chick to a restaurant and the food was kinda bad. As we were leaving it hit me: I had some kind of food poisoning. So I'm driving back and I'm pretty sure she wants to make out but I'm getting paler and paler and sweating pretty hard. I make up some excuse and took her home and drive to my parent's because it's closer.
I very carefully got out of my car and go in as quick as I can. I walk in the front door and immediately shit myself in front of my little brother and mom and dad.
Anyway that chick is having a kid with her boyfriend now.
I met a girl on tinder and on the second date she gave me a sob story about her ex-husband left her. Turns out she drowned their infant child in the bathtub because jesus told her to do so. I am not kidding in the least.
elise the great
Went to a bible college in Texas. Broke up with my then-fiancé and decided to attempt dating in this tiny, super-Christian college town.
Went on a date with a guy named Aaron. Sweet, quiet, country as fuck, big ol truck, in half my classes, loved him some Jesus. He took me to the local coffeeshop one Thursday night, where everybody we knew was already hanging out anyway. After about thirty minutes of small talk, he said we should get moving, so we headed out and got in his truck.
Getting in a guy's truck at night was considered vaguely immoral and indicative of sluttiness unless you immediately went straight back to your dorm and obviously weren't in the truck for more than thirty seconds parked. So I was quite surprised when Aaron just sat there chatting, not starting the truck, going on about church and guitars and whatnot. Like, dude, the timer on my social status as a virgin is running down, either put out or start the truck.
The moment dragged. I considered rolling down the window and casually draping an arm out so all our mutual friends, who were literally watching this go down, could tell I wasn't having weird public sex in the coffeeshop parking lot. On the other hand, I had just got out of a very Christian engagement with lots of guilt and abstinence and purity and shit, and I really REALLY wanted to at least make out with somebody, but Aaron just kept chattering.
Finally, almost hesitantly, he leaned over and stretched out his arm... and opened the glove box. From which he took his checkbook. "Always gotta balance the checkbook," he said cheerfully, "if you put it off you'll forget and go over your budget."
So Aaron balanced his checkbook for another twenty minutes, and I rolled the window down and casually dangled my elbow out to signal my continuing status as a socially acceptable virgin, and finally he started the truck and took me home to my dorm, where my roommates tried to convince me that he was really super into me, if he'd let me sit in his truck that long without taking me home.
Today he and I are Facebook friends, and he and his husband have two adorable kids and an even bigger truck that they drive around the countryside, presumably with elegantly balanced checkbooks and no idea that I once spent two weeks explaining to every girl I knew that no, I had not given Aaron a blowjob in the coffeeshop parking lot.
I think my worst date was a first date I went on with this girl who brought her mother.
We were at a nice restaurant that I had made reservations for, so I kept my cool and introduced myself. We sat down and ordered dinner. Things wouldn't have been terribly bad, except her mother kept asking me lots of questions throughout the dinner, such as whether I had a job, what I was majoring in, what my plans were after college, things like that. She commented several times that I must be working out. I felt like I was being measured, weighed, etc. in a very methodical fashion and the goal was for her to see if I was marriage material for her daughter.
Anyway, it still makes me laugh thinking about it. Click Like if it made you laugh too!
I must have told this befor, but a friend of mine was on a date with a gal and the whole thing was going quite well and they get to talking about their careers. The woman is an emt and so my friend starts asking her about it. After a little while she gets really serious looking and leans in towards my friend and says in a low whisper, "Do you want to know why I became an emt?" "Sure," says my friend.
"I want to watch people die"
Went on a date with a Polish chick in Maspeth, Queens once, an area that is like really Polish. She was like, really Polish; she barely spoke English. She took me to a Polish restaurant that was so Polish it didn't even have English on the menu. Also, her and her family lived in a shitty little apartment directly above the restaurant, so guess where we went after lunch. Met her straight-off-the-boat mom and dad, neither of whom spoke English. It was weird.
Out of the fucking blue, my date asks me if I know how to drive a car. Her family just bought their first car and no one knows how to drive it or has a license. The car is sitting outside, it has no plates and I'm sure wasn't registered, but this is Queens and I know no one's pulling me over for shit so I agree. Spend the next three terrifying hours teaching a 65 year old man who doesn't speak my language to drive a car up and down Flushing Ave. They were very grateful and sent me home with a container of unidentifiable food which I threw away in the metro. I never heard from any of them ever again.
one time this weird ass chick asked me to go camping with her. i already had a bit of a relationship with her where she would just give me random shit she picked up from garage sales or donation bins. idk some of it was alright but most of it was just borderline garbage and in a few cases, viscera. anyways the day went mostly fine since we had to set up the camp site and we were mostly occupied with our own tasks. later in the night we were sitting around the fire, just making small talk, and that was alright enough. rain started to fall and we retired to our tent. i guess at some point she had slipped something in her drink without me noticing, but as soon as i was settled in and drifting off to sleep the chick just starts MASHING on my groin area. honestly, if i could feel anything down there i bet i wouldve been paralyzed from the pain of the impromptu CBT sesh. fight or flight response kicked in and i somehow got out of the tent along with my sleeping bag, but because of my dead gay legs i had to crawl 45ft to my truck, through a torrent of rain and runoff from the campsites in the area. i couldnt get up to open my door so i ended up sleeping under my truck in wet, muddy clothes in a slightly less dirty and wet sleeping bag, hoping the increasing flow of water would carry me to the sweet release of death.
the next day we went home without saying much of anything, and over the next few weeks she still kept giving me random shit, but at more erratic intervals
eventually she told me in a stream of consciousness rant that i dont appreciate what she does for me and that shes not going to talk to me again, so that solves that i guess
In these contentious political times it is more important than ever to work together in a bipartisan way with the people who said I should be thrown out of a helicopter for being an Antifa terrorist.
This Halloween, log off and visit your friends at the local Halloween Superstore.
Better than expected, and absolute garbage
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.