This article is part of the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant series.

Dear Goldberg Family,

If you are not sitting down already, please do so immediately. The gravity of what I have to say is nothing to make light of, and I do not wish to see you injured should you faint. It is my tragic duty to report that your American Water Spaniel has not been selected for the semifinals.

Barfly was a friendly, approachable dog with excellent discipline. He was affectionate, but not overbearing. These are great qualities for a show dog and demonstrate readily that Barfly has the mindset of a winner.

Unfortunately, what's directly above his mind disqualifies him. With the exception of a small handful of breeds, all dogs are furry. Barfly was clearly suffering from a receding hairline. The fact you tried to cover this up by combing his hair over and fastening a toupée to his is balding head did not help matters. These actions only served to draw attention to the very defects you tried to conceal!

Canine pattern baldness is a terrible thing for sure. It is also a sign of bad genetics. Barfly may be a loving and friendly dog, but he is not an example of canine excellence. There are treatments available for his condition, but I warn you now that they are very expensive, highly experimental and tremendously painful. It is time you and your family consider putting Barfly down, so as to bring a dignified end to his suffering.

With great sorrow,

Richard W. Beauregard


P.S. Is it pronounced "Barf-ly" or "Bar-fly"? I feel there may have been some confusion there, and I would like to apologize for that.

Dear Mr. Vainamoinen,

It is my unfortunate duty to inform you that Ómögulegt, your very interesting companion, has not been chosen to participate in the semifinals for a number of reasons.

We pride ourselves on selecting dogs that stand out from the crowd, but your dog takes that notion a little too far. While we take you for your word that Ómögulegt is indeed a dog, we were unable to identify any doglike characteristics. From his challenging, kaleidoscopic anatomy to his bewildering habit of repeating everything we said in the voice of God, he was nothing like any dog we have ever encountered.

The fact that he helped cure Judge Chester Knap's cancer spontaneously is truly miraculous and amazing, but this is not a trait we look for in dogs. The Kennel Fair Dog Pageant is more concerned with conventional dog traits like coat, form and discipline. Ómögulegt's ability to speed up and slow down time is also troubling. We enjoyed the year we spent with him, even if it really only lasted for 10 minutes. It was a magical time filled with love and wonder and reunions with long-departed friends and family, but it was not a valid display of canine perfection. That is what we at the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant seek.

Ómögulegt challenged our every perception of what a dog is, and that is something to be proud of. You have raised a fine companion, Mr. Vainamoinen. We wish you and Ómögulegt the best.

With great respect for Ómögulegt and his wisdom,

Richard W. Beauregard


– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

About this series

Kennel Fair is one of the premier organizations celebrating the majesty of the canine form. Through its numerous publications and ongoing Dog Pageants--hosted throughout the United States-- Kennel Fair sets the standards all dogs and their owners strive to meet.

Other articles in this series

Copyright ©2023 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful