This article is part of the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant series.

Dear Mr. Weller,

This letter serves as notice that you are hereby banned from all Kennel Fair Dog Pageant activities for life. I am also cancelling your subscription to the Kennel Fair publication. I will not be refunding your money as you have cost this organization greatly already.

You made this decision all-too easy for me to arrive at, thanks in part for your complete lack of respect for the integrity of the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant.

Case in point: the dog you brought to our most recent competition turned out to be a VHS copy of the 1978 Jack Nicholson film "Goin' South." Based on the commercials, it was clear you taped this off of TBS circa 1996.

One word, Mr. Weller, which I will bold and italicize for dramatic emphasis: DISQUALIFIED.

You may have fooled Judge Elizabeth Beemarsh, but Judge Chester Knap caught the deception immediately

If this was an isolated incident we might be more lenient, but you have spent the last 12 years getting disqualified from every competition we have organized. Worse, your duplicity knows no limits. I have watched you employ unscrupulous hounds, old ladies, hobos, disguised children and all manner of vermin in your campaign to subvert this fine competition. I don't know what we have done to earn your singular focus, but I sincerely hope this stern reprimand acts as a wake-up call.

And for the last time, I simply do not care if you did star in "Robocop." You should give up this dangerous obsession with gaming the dog show circuit and go back to acting if you are really so great at it.

This will be my final correspondence with you.

Bernard W. Beauregard


Dear Ms. Prudehorse,

I am writing to inform you that your dog was not selected to compete in the semifinals for our Kennel Fair Dog Pageant. Normally I would take a moment to assure you that you and your dog are winners just for participating, but in this case I cannot. I am confident that you did not prepare for this tournament in the slightest. For one thing, you did not even know the name of your own dog.

The bond between owner and show dog should be seamless. A good handler and his or her dog work in unison, as though joined by some great telepathic bond and a shared determination to be the best of the best. Your dog was unruly and you routinely yelled obscenities at her.

While we appreciate that you did take the time to dress in matching costumes -- gray sweatpants and olive-maroon sweaters, we discourage dressing the dogs in costume. The dog's beauty should shine on its own in the form of a perfect coat of fur. We also discourage putting makeup on the dog. I do not believe Judge Elizabeth Beemarsh was out of line when she remarked that your dog looked like a prostitute.

Should you decide to enter any future competitions, I highly encourage you to spend some time researching dog breeding and grooming and to familiarize yourself with your dog, her name and her many needs.

Best of luck in all future endeavors,

Bernard W. Beauregard


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About this series

Kennel Fair is one of the premier organizations celebrating the majesty of the canine form. Through its numerous publications and ongoing Dog Pageants--hosted throughout the United States-- Kennel Fair sets the standards all dogs and their owners strive to meet.

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