Zenra Kung Fu

The People's Chop!Zenra Kung Fu is the sort of movie that would appeal to nudists who find the itinerary at their camp to be too sedentary. Forget naked tennis, naked beach volleyball, and naked genealogical research in the naked library. Hell, you can even forget about naked beekeeping, because now there is naked kung fu. Being naked has never been so aerobic. You know how in Jet Li movies he'll do some amazing leaping kick over the top of a bunch of spears and there will be this intense close up on his screaming face and sweat will be flying off and then he'll bring his knee down on some dude's ulna and you'll see an x-ray of the dude's arm breaking? This is the exact opposite of that. All of the majesty of well-executed martial arts are right out the window when you see every ounce of fat on someone quake and shake.

The epic begins with a cute if very slightly pudgy woman doing some stretching and low-key martial arts stuff in dojo that looks suspiciously like the lobby of the porn studio with black cloth draped over everything. After she finishes her stretching we get her stats and a brief interview about how great it is going to be to lose every last shred of her dignity. She seems pretty happy about that, but maybe she just hasn't read the part in her contract about the guy ejaculating in her eye.

Not the best outfit for a kung fu party.Our kung fu maven does some more stretching in her workers-of-the-world-unite jumper and then strips down to her black bra and panties. She does yet more stretching in her underwear before moving up to another low-key martial arts routine. The stretching in this and later sequences is of course done to emphasize her groin, with lots of standing splits that are fully exploited by a camera that swoops in between her legs. My personal favorite was when she did the splits and then did one of those badonkadonk butt-flexing dances without getting up. That's kung fu talent folks. Look out Jackie Chan.

After the bra and panties number you would think she would move right on into the nude kung fu chopping, but think again. They have a full DVD to pad out with this shit and they can't waste their naked martial arts budget so quickly. That stuff is like CGI: you pay by the frame and spend months in post production.

Instead kung fu girl moves to a brighter set and carries out some stretches and simple martial arts maneuvers while a woman speaks gibberish in voiceover. It's probably Japanese and not gibberish but unless they're saying "senpai" over and over I can't tell the difference. My guess is that this scene is a sort of instructional video on how to do kung fu or stretches. There are a bunch of these scattered in between the other scenes on the DVD and none of them are even slightly interesting. She doesn't even strip out of her communist coveralls so they seem to be there purely for educational purposes.

"Tee-hee, I wonder if I'm gonna stretch?"After the kung fu for dummies our lady of the gynkata dons the only outfit that could possibly bring more shame to her ancestors than performing kung fu moves in the buff. It's sort of a cross between a My Little Pony's mane and a tragic explosion at a frill factory. She chirps around in the manner that the Japanese find so adorable and pretty much everyone else finds creepy before stretching and showing off her panties. Then it's time for more instructional video. Then she dons an orange bikini and heads to the pool for…you guessed it, more stretching. This time around the camera zooms and swoops so much that half of the time she is upside down in the frame and the other half you're getting a nauseating macro shot of her thong.

The orange bikini is followed by a red "Asian style" dress. I mean, technically everything in this movie is Asian style, but you should know what I mean. If there is an Asian woman in a movie and she's not a Geisha then she is probably wearing one of these dresses. Chun Li apparently still hasn't limbered up because she has some more stretching to do. Oh happy day.

Time for the naked kung fu. Haha, fucking siiiiiike, bitch. After the crimson dress it's time for yet another instructional video followed by a second powder-blue bikini. What does she do in the bikini? If you guessed fight a bunch of tabi-socked ninjas then you're a fucking idiot. This girl has an itch and the only way to scratch it is with more stretching and some low-impact kung fu. Following the second bikini she slowly dons one of those nautical-themed schoolgirl uniforms that make me think Japan is secretly developing the most kawaii ^__^ navy mankind has ever known.

Finally we're back in the black-drape dojo and our gal has stripped down to her birthday suit. After seemingly spending hours fawning over her shitty cosplay the shift to her naked kung fu seems disarmingly abrupt. Adding to that sensation, she's sweaty enough to start spawning marine life in the pools of liquid salt she's got in her asscrack. I guess we missed most of action.

Halfway through the nude kung fu the action "shifts" to the lobby of the studio after they took down the black cloth covering everything. The girl's kung fu up until this point had been pretty unimpressive, but she pulls out all the stops for her nude debut. Whirling airborne kicks and head-high side kicks are just some of the moves in her repertoire. She also spends a long time doing kicks towards the camera to show off her vagina. Since the movie is censored by law she's just showing off a blur. You'll see pubic hair as she strides towards the camera and then up goes the leg and her groin disappears in a mash of pixels. It's the thought that counts, I guess.

Now all we need is Boba Fett flailing in the background.The nude kung fu is only a fraction of the running time of the movie. Maybe ten minutes at the most. Then she's back in her union blue suit and packing up her bags after her naked workout. Before she can depart to catch the monorail and get molested by some creepy old man in the back of the car while she cries she is accosted by a trio of dorky men in gym clothes. One of them is inexplicably wearing women's makeup.

An awkward karate battle ensues with pantomimed kicks and punches that make Luke Skywalker's infamous kick on the floating barge in "Return of the Jedi" look like a jaw crusher. The girl dispatches all three men sequentially before they realize that the usual 1-on-1 kung fu battle rules do not apply in rape porn. They triple swarm her like they just came out of the Wu Tang hive and rend open her coveralls like a freshly popped bag of microwave popcorn. The usual prodding of orifices culminates in the usual series of cum shots, although amazingly she never takes one in the kisser to drool it out. Although the pseudo-rape isn't particularly interesting to a rape-worn soul such as me there were a few noteworthy things about this scene.

At one point one of the men tries to get her to smell his vagina-slicked finger. You would think this would pose little concern to a woman who worked herself up into a frothing musk with her naked workout, but her pained expression seems remarkably genuine.

The heavily censored genitals make most of the forced oral sex look like our kung fu gal is sporting an impressive mustache.

One of the guys produces a purple vibrator, begging the question: "why did a guy go to the gym with his two buddies and a purple vibrator?" Either this rape was premeditated or that vibrator needs to be sterilized in an autoclave.

Kung fu skill allows you to assume astonishingly uncomfortable positions during sexual intercourse.

It is possible for a well-trained female kung fu expert to emit a constant anguished shriek for a half an hour straight. During some of the sex her screaming was so shrill and endless that it seemed like she was using her knowledge of martial arts to try and find the harmonic frequency that would explode her rapist's heart.

The happiest the girl seemed during the whole scene was when the third guy was ejaculating on her face. She went from "my whole family was just skinned alive" horror screams to a simple "my puppy was run over by a garbage truck" resigned moan.

Oh, thank you so much, you've made me the happiest rape victim in all of Tokyo.The rape scene is followed by my favorite scene in the whole movie. It's my favorite because it's the last, but also because it so perfectly encapsulates the tragedy, black humor, and surreal imagery of the rest of the movie. Our kung fu girl is sitting on a workout matt wearing a blue terrycloth robe. A man approaches her and she stands up, smiling happily. He hands her two bouquets of flowers and you can hear real applause coming from behind the camera. The man off screen and the woman exchange words as the camera pushes closer and closer into her face until you realize that her eyes are welling up with tears. Two teardrops then stream perfectly down her cheeks. It's a magical moment. God fucking bless Japan.

The Horror: The last scene of Zenra Kung Fu easily wins. Whether she is crying because of shame or crying with joy it is a horrible moment. If it's shame then you just feel sorry for her. If she is crying with joy then, my god, what a fucking tragic thing to be happy about. It's like high-fiving over a cervical cancer diagnosis only somehow even more unpleasant.

The Bottom Line: What a jip! I came for some Zenra Kung Fu and I got a bunch of distinctly non-Zenra kung fu. If I had wanted a woman crying over being raped I would have listend to the complete Tori Amos discography.