Internet Spotlight v2.0

The Internet giveth and the Internet giveth the really bad. Let's take a look at three of the most horrible pornographic clips not involving illegal acts that I've managed to turn up lately.

Clip 1: "Big Boobs & Big Hair"
Origin: Lance Link, Secret Chimp

Not secret enough, unfortunately.This clip was probably first seen circulating on Kazaa where it was ripped, shared and branded by some idiot going by the moniker "Lance Link, Secret Chimp." Now you can remember horrible monkey-based comedies while you watch pornography horrible pornography! Although I guess a little levity, no matter how misplaced, beats the usual burning skull and "DEATHRiPpErZ: Ultima pr0n CHAMPIONS" branding. Although Lance might have the Deathripperz beat in that department his encode of this already horrible movie is so shoddy that advancing the player results in a five second mash of pixels before the clip corrects. That might not be a big deal to you, but when you're trying to grab screenshots of the clip it's hell on earth. Hell on earth, I tell you.

The clip is your usual lesbian fare set in an office, but with a twist. For unknown reasons the filmmakers decided to dress both women in vague 1970s period costumes and give them both ridiculous wigs to wear. The Latino woman going by Carmen has a sort of two-tiered jet black mistake that looks like a motorcycle crash helmet nested in a foam cowboy hat. The other woman, referred to only as "chica" in the clip, has a huge blond wig that would look quite appropriate balanced on the head of a televangelist's wife. To give the clip that extra little zing to put it over the top the scene opens with an excruciatingly awkward "comedic" dialogue. It includes a couple of jokes placed haphazardly into sentences that otherwise make little or no sense. Alien biologists studying the social interactions of mankind would construct hypothetical conversations for us to have similar to this.

That is a duel and a donut!Chica: "Hey Carmen, the only way I ever get any excitement around here is by getting a little tongue. Too bad I have to go to Lou's Deli to get it though."

Carmen: "See, I know what you mean, chica. And look at you with your hair all up, that is a duel and a donut (???) at the same time. Men are so stupid."

Chica: "I drank two bottles of whiskey and smoked a pack of cigarettes, but he'll never know because I stay kissing sweet with the new Making Whoopee way."

Carmen: "Did you really use that new toothpaste?"

Chica: "I believe in the truth in advertising. I'll prove it…"

(reluctant kissing follows)

Carmen: "I think you go to Carmen's Deli for a little tongue. Aye Chihuahua!"

The rest of the clip is predictable. The two giggle and coo as they strip one another. The blond has huge rock-hard implant tits with areolas the size of bicycle wheels, and not regular bicycle wheels, I'm talking about those old timey ones with the one giant wheel. Carmen looks like she has had a double mastectomy and her vagina looks like someone tried to impregnate her with a sawhorse. So it goes.

Clip 2: "Dream a Throbbing Dream"
Origin: clubhardball.com

If only she had something huge to put up her.The porn industry acts like there is some sort of Guinness Book of World Records entry for "largest object inserted into a vagina." There's some fierce competition in the industry for this mysterious record. Suzy Hatchetwound will be lucky if her "three oil drums" aren't surpassed inside a week by Chesapeake Prolapse and her "bus full of surprised Turks." An entire sub-subgenre exists within the "huge dongs in tiny orifices" subgenre that involves using prosthetic penises to simulate an inhumanly large super dong penetrating a woman. This clip takes things to an even worse place and includes the first example to date of a woman being penetrated (or pretending to be) by something larger than her.

The clip opens with an attractive young lady asleep in her bed. Her dream soliloquy, complete with the speech patterns of Barbara Walters, is worthy of Hamlet.

"Evew since I stawted sticking things in my pussy as a little giwl I have not been satisfied. My holes could always take mowe. My owgasms wewe not complete. Thewe was a spot, way up in thewe, that needed to be weached. Needed to be pwobed. Fucked. What was it? Whewe was my dweam lovew? Lately, my dweams have become mowe vague. Like visions. I see factowies making penises. Penises designed for pleasuwe."

"Maybe it was a show I saw on late night or something. A giant penis, called King Dong. But it wasn't weal. Why was I having these visions? Oh, God, please give me something huge to put up me to make these visions stop! Give me the owgasm that I crave!"

Considerably bigger than a breadbox.Our dreamer finds herself in front of the most garish strip club entrance I have ever seen. She heads inside to a playhouse theater to find a five foot tall fake penis taking center stage. The combination looks to be made up of a length of PVC pipe covered in papier-mâché and two deflated kick-balls painted to resembled testicles sprouting malignant handfuls of hair. Bottomless Betty ascends the stage and marvels at the grotesque way in which her unusual wish has been granted. She strips off her clothes and licks and massages the glans gigantic for a minute or so before cradling the fake penis like she's going to slide down it and hop into ECTO-1.

Then she decides to stick it up her ass and in so doing she changes me like that meteor changed the dinosaurs. The thing is too big and blunt to actually get it inside her anus, but the grueling process of her repeated attempts is bad enough. Her cellulite dimpled posterior is greased and flexing as she pushes the gigantic penis against her anus again and again. It's a slow-motion tragedy that seemingly will not end. When the clip finally segues it's to her squatting above a decapitated version of the penis intended to make it look like it's about two feet deep in her waste aperture. She moans and groans and squats for a while, then she strokes the restored phallus and it geysers two or three gallons of white liquid into the air.

In Orwell's "1984" O'Brien tells Winston Smith that the future can be imagined as "a boot stamping on a human face forever." If you want a vision of this clip then imagine a hotdog pushing against the greased eye of a needle forever.

Clip 3: "You and Me and Gorilla Makes Three"
Origin: clubhardball.com

Welcome to the jungle, we got...well...this thing.Not content to rest on their sizable laurels, clubhardball.com (or whatever studio is producing these movies) decided to double the women and double the giant fake penises. The clip begins with a woman masturbating while imagining a monster-fanged gorilla and some spooky clouds. The gorilla screams and she makes angry faces that I think mean she is enjoying things. Then the gorilla fades out and the girl is alone with her sin. Maybe she thinks about what she has done and how Jesus will feel, but any real soul-searching is preempted by the lustful masturbator and another girl emerging from adjacent rooms. It is night inside of some sort of weird hotel and the duo, clad only in sleepytime togs, descend a staircase together.

At the bottom of the staircase is a crude stone statue with glowing eyes and a roughly penis-shaped red tube that looks like it's covered with the sort of foam padding you can find on an exercise mat. Magical tinkling can be heard in the air and the penis shakes back and forth of its own horrific volition. The girls are drawn to it as moths are drawn to the giant penis-shaped flame. They kiss and nuzzle it, rub their clothed and then naked bodies against it. They strip off their clothes and give it a good old fashioned group hug. Then the girl who was masturbating earlier squats on it and, with great effort, inserts part of it into her anus. Did you know that if you work four fingers into your anus and then pull forward you can fit something roughly 6 inches in diameter in there? I mean, I think, maybe not. Maybe she has a special anus. Whatever the case is, she really enjoys things!

After some bouncing up and down the other girl goes for a spin and manages to work a little bit up her cloacae as well. More bouncing is followed by the girls kneeling in supplication before the mega dong and appealing for it to shower them with its blessings. And so it does, in great abundance. No sooner have the girls finished drooling down their chests than the statue comes to life in the form of a black guy wearing a monster gorilla mask with a 50-60 inch long fake penis strapped to his groin. I bet you can guess what happens next!

Ain't no Genie in there, ho! Toss that thing up your butt.The previous action with the magical penis is repeated with a bit more violence and a lot more actual insertion. The gorilla man's fake dong is more easily placed with in the girls and they entertain its length with gusto. Though the beast acts angry he is at least polite enough to apply a condom to his hugeness so that bits of foam or whatever don't perforate a couple of bowels. The movement of the super dong in and out of one girl's anus produces a unique effect not unlike a sock being repeatedly and partially turned inside out. When the appendage is finally withdrawn it looks as though it has been plunged into apple sauce; a detail sure to charm the whole family.

Finally, the girls kneel before this avatar of anal action and demand that he share his bestial seed with them. With a roar of pleasure he unleashes a sensual tsunami on the girls and they squeal with delight.

The Horror Champion: While the second of the giant dong movies was probably slightly more disgusting than the first, the first wins on the ground that the fake penis used was creepier looking. I guess it's splitting hairs at this point. If you've fallen down on your porn searching luck so far that you are watching either movie for erotic pleasure then you're pretty much a lost cause. A Google search of "pressure sores" would probably turn up better fodder for the old self-abuse treadmill.