Hey Spacelard, they don't want your fat ass in space - what the fuck makes you think we want your hamburger-chugging gut on Earth? I'm going to hunt you down, rip out your meatball-infested ribcage, and build condos out of it.

"RAWWWWRRRRR! I fucked that pussy before! Get ready to enter a world of pain and crotchsores, you football-skulled dumb shit! ROOOOWWWWAARRR!"

The Bloated Hams of the Caribbean swap cash for the opportunity to walk the plank without any pants on.

"Crazy" Eddie Marmalard poses with The Naked Pipecleaner in The Basement of Seduction. Shortly afterwards, I busted in and threw them both into a picnic table. I don't know why the fuck they had a picnic table in the basement. They also had an inflatable foot. Don't ask.

Goth brainturd Missy "Miss Lardass" Elliot. She prepares herself for the coffin and is shocked to realize that her sweaty sewers of armpits reek of month old rotting gym socks and groincheese. At least she's doing me a favor and getting ready for the coffin; it'd take me a forklift the size of the Sears Tower to haul her fat ass into the goddamn ground.

Shelia Masterson has been saving her shit for the past 16 years, sculpting it into this wad of patheticness she refers to as her "only friend." Hey kid, even the Crapbear hates your guts. You've got the personality of a pipewrench, you zit-smeared carwreck.