Water Closet

Game Plot: Rather than having a single plot, Water Closet actually features five slightly interconnected plots about five different girls. To view each plot in its entirety you would have to play through the game a minimum of ten times. That's like someone saying to me "I will give you this sack full of rats, but only if you let me kick you in the groin ten times." Undaunted by considerations like "my heterosexuality" and "my sanity" I have played through the game five times for you horrible people. If anyone has played through this shit enough to see all of the endings they deserve either a medal for bravery or a state-sanctioned sterilization for genetic stupidity.

I will cover two of the five plots along with this article, if it gets a good response I will reveal the AMAZING SECRET of the other three plots in a follow up. Believe me, you would much rather have these plots spoiled than have to play through this game to see them unfold.

Ikumi has a problem with urinating under pressure.Plot 1 - She Pees Her Pants: Deciding to use the revolutionary "left to right" selection method, I chose to play through the game first as shy blue-head Ikumi. Ikumi's problem is that every time someone looks at her she pisses herself. Tired of the drudgery of filling her pants with sassy golden treats every time she goes out in public, she has decided to do something about it and go to a clinic specializing in urology. That's where you come in! You get to watch her coyly refuse to explain her problem as she haltingly makes her way to the hospital. Once inside it's an all-star game design job as you get to…now get ready for this…watch her change her mind back and forth about twenty times as to whether or not she should really go visit the doctor! I WAS FUCKING BREATHLESS! EDGE OF MY GODDAMN SEAT!

It sure helped make things more fun that I did nothing that whole time! WOW! When she finally did talk to the crazily cheery nurse and the just plain crazy doctor she is subjected to a scatter-brained interrogation that induces a flashback to when she was nine-years old. Ikumi was at a piano recital and when her turn came to play she urinated on stage while playing the piano. This is accompanied by a picture of a crying nine-year old playing the piano while what appears to be motor oil or some sort of industrial lubricant pours out of her ass. Then the insane doctor suggests what is no doubt the most preposterous cure for anything since they stopped placing leeches on people with a headache to suck the evil out of their brain. The doctor inserts a catheter into Ikumi's urethra in a scene so awkward that it caused me actual physical pain to watch. The doctor then attaches an IV bag and straps it to her leg and makes Ikumi walk around in public with the nurse. Apparently this therapy is intended to get her to piss herself in public even more than she already did. She pisses so much that she fills the bag and the nurse and Ikumi have to go into a public bathroom to change the bags. The nurse takes the full bag of urine for an examination at the hospital, leaving Ikumi behind at the bathroom.

Ikumi apparently runs on 40-weight low viscosity.It goes without saying that she is accosted by punks, who are then taken out of commission just as rape seems imminent by "Professor W.C. Nicholson, Toilet Researcher". Nicholson is amusing for about five seconds, but like all things in Hentai his character quickly becomes creepy and violent. He scolds Ikumi for pissing in a bag and menaces her, at which point you get to make this story's ONLY INTERACTIVE DECISION. You can either have her call for help or have her run, now that's proactive! I chose run and got treated to a single image of the restroom's exterior while a chase was poorly described with text. Ikumi hides in one of the stalls and Nicholson batters down the door to the stall with a fire axe and then somehow convinces her that he can cure her incontinence.

I mistakenly believed that no therapy could be less helpful than that prescribed by the crazy doctor. Once again proving that it's just not possible to lower your standards enough, Water Closet threw me a curveball when Nicholson's therapy consisted of tying Ikumi to a urinal in the men's room and urinating on her face. Even that was just the beginning of her therapy as he went outside and announced that a new toilet had been installed in the men's room. A hideously graphic multiple rape sequence followed, accompanied by the "bathroom rape sounds" I mentioned previously. Apparently rape sounds pretty much like one person standing next to you eating cookie dough. Applying the wonders of Hentai Logic, Ikumi was not only cured, but learned to love both being a toilet and being raped by dozens of anonymous men. Way to go Akuma! Case closed!

Reika has a problem with constipation.Plot 2 - She Can't Take a Shit: When I read the profile for Reika, an arrogant fashion model, I knew that I was in for a wild ride. Her profile claims she suffers from "cronic [sic] constipation" and that being spied on by a peeping tom got her interested in exhibitionist scatology. That's truly fantastic! If only Hollywood had the balls to make movies about women with chronic constipation who also happen to get turned on by shitting in front of spectators!

Reika's plot begins with her standing outside a porn store in a bathing suit inviting men to enter and handing them tissues. This unnecessarily long segment sets us up for her return to her modeling agency to change clothes and the critical plot point that she has to urinate. On the way to the agency Reika runs into the crazy nurse from the first story and after a conversation in which she contemplates murdering the nurse twice, she convinces the nurse to give her medicine for her constipation. You then get to make the first of a handful of interactive choices for Reika, deciding whether she changes clothes and goes to a meeting or she finds a bathroom and relieves herself.

After having played through the first plotline it was my intention to make Reika's life as unpleasant as possible, and I knew no matter what choice I picked that the sickos who designed the game would fully support me in this endeavor. So I sent Reika to get dressed and go to her meeting, which turns out to be a fashion photo shoot in an abandoned floor of the building. After a few minutes of the photo shoot Reika begins to make "constipation sounds" and has a difficult discussion with the photographer who insists on making her wait until the last second before going to the bathroom. Thankfully she does not shit herself on camera and instead runs from floor to floor in a series of "WACKY" and "FUCKING TEDIOUS AS SHIT" trips to the various out of order bathrooms in the building. Finally she swallows her pride and sneaks into the men's room.

In Japan this it is considered charming to approach a woman immediately after she leaves a restroom and mock her for making foul smells. In Japan rape is also similar to a handshake.There I was treated to the sound effect that simply should not exist. I will call it "the model taking a huge shit" sound effect, since that's what it is.

On her way out of the bathroom a well-dressed man accosts her and proceeds to mock her for shitting in public, accuses her of licking pubic hair off of toilet seats, and then tops it all off by blackmailing her into letting him see her asshole. Of course once well dressed Japanese men catch sight of a recently dilated sphincter they have no choice but to violently rape someone. This well-dressed wordsmith lays into poor Reika, who naturally begins to enjoy the rape. Immediately after it she has to relieve herself again, accompanied once again by the delightful shitting sound effect, only to discover that anal rape is the cure all for constipation. A happy ending is had by all and once again rape saves the day.

Gameplay: The slightest traces of gameplay depth can be found in the game's opening menu where you get to pick from the five different girls. Rather than wrap the gameplay into one big shitty game, they split it up into five smaller shitty games that you can play in any order. The amount of interaction contained in Water Closet consists of reading frame after frame of text for roughly ten minutes and then selecting from one of two different options that may or may not branch the plot. As noted the first plot I played through contained a grand total of one of these choices.

After you witness scenes in the game you can enjoy them all over again with the whole family through a bonus gallery!I was excited to see that they had included a "fast forward" button and hoped that it would function the same way it did in "X-Change"; speeding through dialogue and stopping at the branching decisions. Instead, the fast forward option in Water Closet simply skips through everything all the way to the end faster than you can possibly read or even comprehend. While I wish I had the luxury of playing through these horrible games without even knowing what I was seeing, this feature serves no purpose for me. Although, to a pervert completist it provides a quick way to unlock CGI screens. Then you can browse them and probably touch parts of your body that don't even exist on me while you look at them.Hey did I mention that bonus gallery?! RELIVE ALL THE GREAT MOMENTS!The production value of the game is high by Hentai Game standards, with a shitty full-motion video intro, CD "quality" music, and Japanese spoken dialogue. The art is as bad as ever and really there seems to be less of it in the game than there is in most Hentai Games, with variety being achieved by applying various overlays (urine, feces, semen, all the good stuff!) over the images of the girls. Keeping with the age-old Japanese tradition of censoring shit that makes no sense, the audio for Water Closet will occasionally include "bleeps" to cover up nasty words like "penile" or "peeing" even though what is being discussed is happening in full color on the screen and being spelled out in English text. Really, I don't think it's fucking necessary to censor the audio for the word "labia" when it's right there written on the screen in English AND there's a huge picture of a woman shoving a catheter into another woman's urethra. What's even better is that they don't censor words generally considered vulgar (like "fuck") but do censor words referring to human anatomy. I can only imagine that in Japan anatomy text books have black tape over the word "uterus" with a neatly printed "cunt" underneath the tape.

Difficulty: It is preposterously hard to assign a difficulty rating to a game that has you make less than four interactive decisions and none of the choices have even a vaguely logical outcome. Oh, I picked "run away", well I should have assumed that it would result in the character being tied to a urinal and pissed on! Where was my common sense? Still, I suppose I would have to say the game would be very hard to be able to tolerate to the point of completing all possible endings in this game. I would prefer being thrown into an industrial dough mixer and gradually rent asunder to completing every ending for this game. Do you understand how bad this game is? I would rather you eat bread made out of my flesh and blood than have to spend any more time playing the game.

Defining Moment: The introduction video. I knew I was in trouble when the opening FMV consisted of a series of photographs of toilets fading into and out of the Japanese words for Water Closet. Occasionally the horrible pumpkin heads of the girls in the game would flash on the screen, all set to a dramatic pounding techno beat. Of course I didn't know the specifics of the horrors that awaited me, but I had a very bad feeling building in my guts and it had a horrifying amount to do with exhibitionist scat play.

Final Thoughts: Compared to Water Closet I really and truly understand the fetishes of most Hentai games. This game trumps them all. I've been around the Internet long enough to comprehend that a fetish exists for almost everything. Hell, I understand that probably thousands of people enjoy seeing women urinate, defecate, and play creepy doctor. What I completely fail to understand is that there is enough of a market for this to create an entire, albeit shitty, game with music, spoken dialogue, video, and art. They had to hire voice actors to play the people who were talking about strapping piss-bags to legs and urinating in public. Some Japanese woman read that. As a voice actor, is it possible for a career to have a lower point? I guess it probably does since after they recorded it they censored out where she said the horribly scandalous word "urethra", thus saving her professional reputation.