This article is part of the Tim Franklin's Stand Up Sets series.
So-called "hack comedian" Tim Franklin has been working as a stand-up comedian for 15 years. He was a writer for Last Call with Carson Daly from 2006-2007 before being fired for missing too much work. Tim studied improv with the Improvsarios, the defunct Pasadena-based comedy troupe and bronze winners of the 1998 San Diego Hawlympics. Tim prefers to focus on his stand-up these days. He considers himself an "honest comedian" and draws all of his material from his life experiences to be more relatable to the audience. What follows is a notebook of jokes and sketches Tim has put together based around a single theme.
So I was diagnosed with end stage rabies last week. That ever happen to anybody? The doctor said the only chance I have to survive is if they induce a coma and use this technique called the Milwaukee Protocol.
Any of you guys heard of this?
I told my doctor I get comatose every time I go to Milwaukee and my doctor said, no, I don't get to drink beer, they're going to chemically induce the coma and I only have an 8% chance of survival and I'll probably have severe brain damage. I said, yep, sounds like my last trip to Milwaukee.
Any pet lovers out there?
I had to put my dog to sleep yesterday. Yeah, pretty bummed out about that. His name was Rusty. He was a good dog, but we had a rocky relationship there at the end. I wanted him to get back in his cage and he wanted to repeatedly bite my hand, so we compromised and he bit my hand and now he's dead. I guess the best way to test for rabies is to cut up a dog's brain. Did you know that?
The vet puts Rusty on the table, and I can't bear to look at poor old Rusty, and after a minute he starts using this slicer and he hands across a slice of Rusty's brain and says, "About that thick?" I have such an avoidance personality, I wanted it a little thicker, but I just said okay because there were a lot of people waiting in line at the counter. Also, never get vet provolone. It sits out there all day and gets real dry.
I saw that movie the Social Network. Have any of you seen that?
Pretty great film. It's about this kid who teams up with these twin frat guys to make a website called Harvard Connection. The kid seemed really smart so I'm sure everything works out. I missed the rest of the movie because someone complained to the manager I was drooling and spitting all over the floor and screaming randomly. Yeah, okay, and you spent ten minutes texting during the previews. Sorry, Mein Führer, but some of us didn't want to be distracted during the trailer for the upcoming Reese Witherspoon vehicle How Do You Know.
So I broke up with my therapist after twelve years. Really nice guy, but he claimed I was a "bite risk." Has that ever happened to you?
I don't really have a counter argument, but it's not the best time to be cut off from my Paxil. You try giving a toast at your sister's wedding when your mouth and eyes are pouring with liquid. Panic attack doesn't even begin to describe it.
Any of you folks ever visit a Walgreens?
You would not believe how hard it is to get a Hannibal Lecter mask at 2 AM. They have 600 different wraps for sore toes and carpal tunnel and not one ventilated mouth mask. It's almost like they want their employees to be bitten on the hands and arms. Lucky for me it was Halloween. I bought a Jay Leno mask, but judging by the reaction I got I might have been better off biting people. I kid, I kid. Jay is good people.
Oh, and my girlfriend...
I feel horrible about the way this rabies is making me act. She made my favorite dinner a couple nights ago, but I have lost the ability to chew and swallow and literally started screaming at the thought of trying to swallow something. Next time I'll just order takeout, she said, and I said, next time I'll order not rabies. Bitch.
I'm Tim Franklin! Thanks everybody!
I'm sorry, is my rabies acting up again or did a human fart just say something?
Hey, buddy, I don't come to where you work and scream and bite the fingers off your coworkers at the law firm. But I could.
I'm living out my last hours in a hallucinatory fever dream in which I imagine myself persecuted by demons, but this is ridiculous.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Stand up comedian and comedy writer Tim Franklin shares his five-minute stand up sets. Each set is based around a simple theme. Tim uses stories from his real life to better connect with his audience.