Tokimeki Check In!

Oh yeah baby, this game is motherfucking HOT!

Game Plot: Please allow me to get the good stuff out of the way before I descend into my usual vitriolic rant about how awful the game is.

…

Okay, that was fun. Welcome to "Tokimeki Check In!" or as it translates into English "Character Introduction: The Game!", in which you fill the shoes of a young Japanese innkeeper named Yamano. Like many Hentai games this one centers on you working a summer job where you see roughly as much action as the foreman at the vagina factory. Naturally your character does not know this going in so he complains about every chore he has to do. This means you have to be bored out of your skull by Yamano doing chores and then, as some kind of creamy boring icing on top, get to hear him bitch about it incessantly. Come to think of it even after things turn into a mysterious anime thigh-juice soaked festival Yamano keeps bitching about every single thing he has to do. I don't know about you guys but I think I would shut my trap about how much my job sucks once vagina starts flying at me like some sort of groin-hugging alien parasite.

I started to write down the names of all of the people that I was introduced to in the game but after about half an hour my journalistic integrity succumbed to a tidal wave of shirt-straining bosoms and eyes so big that they are visible from space. To make sure none were forgotten despite this I jotted down brief notes on each of the characters in lieu of their name. Now, much like roughly half of "Tokimeki Check In!", I will introduce you the game's characters. Buckle your safety belts because this ride is going to be wild like those haunted houses at the county fair: once you get going there's no turning back because it takes a minute for the executioner's giant plastic axe that "narrowly avoids your head" to reset back to the upright position.

The Maid has a serious case of "ass chest" going on thanks to her unique maid costume.The Maid - One of the first characters you are introduced to in "Tokimeki Check In!" is your old friend the maid. She's supposedly a childhood friend of yours that started working for your parents when you went off to college. Because of a uniform fetish your grandfather had - I am not joking folks - the maids at the inn dress in a mixture of traditional skimpy maid uniform and tourniquet-tight body hugging top. In several sequences of the game you verbally abuse her, particularly after she questions your logic of delivering booze to two women taking a bath together. You scream at her and then manipulate her into apologizing for daring to question you. In another eye-opening sequence you catch two women (the two from the bath in fact) raping her in their hotel room. In one of those wonderful sequences that defies all human logic you can bust in on them and save her from being raped. I chose this option because frankly watching rapes is pretty old-hat in Hentai games. Much to my surprise a heated argument followed in which the character was bitched out by the rapists for SPYING ON THEIR RAPE. It all turned out okay when everyone agreed to "just forget this ever happened". Oh, if only the criminal justice system worked that way too! The maid is also the closest thing to a main love interest the game has.

The Angry Old Man - The only other male character in the game, the angry old man has worked at the inn for years and despite the fact that you are technically his superior he is free to assign you shitty tasks and beat you with a spoon for arguing. He also had some weird thing going on that either involved voyeurism or, more likely, some form of rape, but I managed to somehow avoid the plot branch that would have revealed the truth behind that whole imbroglio.

The Three Schoolgirls - Some of the first guests you meet are a trio of school girls. Their personalities can be completely described as "cutesy", "happy", and "sullen". They are all dressed for success in Japan's hottest line of fall slutty schoolgirl fashion which they wear for their entire stay at the inn. You get to cater to them frequently throughout the game although I somehow managed to avoid ever spilling Yomano's cock inside of any of them or their freakish heads. I could go on and on about how none of them look even slightly Japanese but that's like saying a Kindergartener's drawing of his family failed to capture the faces properly. In other words, no one even really looks human in the game.

So this is the best part of the game right here. Don't even bother ever playing it because I just spoiled THE FUCK out of it!The Cook in Hot Pants - Really the only character in the game that was at all appealing to me was the cook in the hot pants. She menaces you with a knife in almost every single scene and sends you off to do chores. At one point she actually tries to murder you in the kitchen and the cranky old man sentences you both to kneel on the floor for an hour. While you are doing so you engage in some idiotic semi-sexual grabass that goes nowhere, but cook in hot pants managed to win my heart by flipping me off with a smile. This single gesture infused her with more character than 99% of Hentai heroines because it was basically the game blatantly saying "hahaha fuck you!" and I like honesty.

The Friendly Painter - One of the girls already vacationing at the inn at the start of the game is a magenta-headed painter who is one of the few fairly normal seeming characters in the game. She is friendly and polite and not in a weird way, which makes her completely uninteresting and generic by normal standards, but somewhat unusual by Hentai game standards.

The Mysteriously Angry Woman - Eventually a mysterious angry woman arrives at the inn. Ooh, she's "beautiful", she's moody, can we solve the mystery of why she dislikes us so much? Do we care? It turns out she's just shy, or something, I don't really care but Yomano sure seemed to think she was hot shit. Of course that blabber mouth likes to go on endlessly about how hot every single character in the game is. Someone like that would just collapse from the weight of their internal dialogue if they walked down the street in a big city.

The Busty Model - She's got huge tits, but who doesn't, thankfully she's also an "idol". Since I just summed up the majority of her character with that one sentence I'll use her description to explain the Japanese concept of "idols". Basically they are models, usually very attractive women, but they do things like sing or appear in movies. The trick is, they aren't good at anything, they just do stuff because people are told to love them. It's this fantastic concept that amounts to taking someone and marketing them regardless of any talent. America has plenty of that but it's generally reviled, in Japan it's celebrated.

No, they unfortunately are not reacting to my character being decapitated by a throwing axe, more than likely they are shocked by some insane Japanese social mistake I just made like mentioning that my favorite color is blue or presumptiously asking them if they are hungry.The Four-Eyed Stripe Beast and Snobby McTits the Kooky Dykes - This dynamic duo are two of the last people to arrive at the inn during the game. In my first play through of "Tokimeki Check In!" the hardcore action pretty much revolved around them. One is a brain dead four-eyed monster-mammary beast in a hideous striped costume, the other is a condescending cunt who also happens to have huge breasts. If you're just noticing that almost all of these characters have giant tits and one-dimensional personalities, well, congratulations Hercule Poirot, you just solved the case of the Hentai tit-beasts! It turns out that they are Japan's version of bi-sexual swingers, or in layman's terms "rapists", as they manipulate and pillage their way through you and the maid.

Supporting Cast - There are a couple of characters that are rarely mentioned but appear to assist the "plot" of the game. The only two I encountered were a pair of businessmen as they raped the poor maid out by the bath. You have the option of watching them rape her or intervening. Hilariously enough soon after you save her you have the option of raping her yourself. Apparently by rescuing her from rape you earned some sort of "rape authorization" credit from the cosmic rape bursars department.

The game has a metric ton of endings. I managed to get what the game described as "Value of Glory - Best End" on my first try through by screwing the wonder dykes twice and saving the maid from their unsavory advances. They returned in the ending with a throng of women for me to service as the screen faded to white and my days of playing "Tokimeki Check In!" came to an end. Unfortunately, my "Tokimeki Check In!" related nightmares were just beginning.Click the image to find out the secret contained within the depths! HINT: It relates to Benoit Mandelbrot and Jello Pudding.Difficulty: The game is actually surprisingly hard. I'm not suggesting it's difficult to win, considering I got the "Best End" on my first try, but there is a shitload of plot branches. Adding to this difficulty is the fact that none of the branches really make any logical sense in relation to the choices you make, so the only way to get all the endings would be to save more times than the game allows or spend days making an elaborate flow chart. If you do either of these things I will personally come to your home and murder you in your bed for wasting so much time.

Defining Moment: Gone are the days when a simple rape can define a hentai game. Even the days where rescuing someone from one rape only to rape them yourself was a defining moment have long since drifted over the horizon. For "Tokimeki Check In!" the defining moment was being accused of "peeping" for bursting in and saving someone from being raped, and then actually agreeing with the rapists. Fucking Yomano, that spineless and amoral twatsack, said "All parties had some faults and merits in this incident." No they fucking did not you stupid rapelover. That's like driving by the crucifixion of a black person being conducted on private property, stopping it, and then sympathizing with the argument that you were trespassing. "Well, captain klan, maybe we should just forget any of this ever happened." Get my rope indeed Yomano.

Final Thoughts: Earlier I joked that there was nothing redeeming about Tokimeki Check In!, but now I shall reveal the truth. Moral objections aside, and I mean you have to get a steam shovel to move these moral objections out of the way, the game is really a pretty good Hentai game. The art is very crisp, the dialogue is sometimes amusing, there are a number of locations, and the game branches frequently. That said it is still a fucking horrible game. Saying it brought good things to the table would be akin to picking out the best human corpse-ass to dice and cook while trapped on a mountain with a soccer team. Stay far away and play Minesweeper or solitaire or some equally shitty but infinitely superior game. If you really want to make it like a hentai game then go to one of a billion free porn sites and click on a link to a picture every time you win a game of Minesweeper. Do not, I repeat, do not e-mail me asking for this game.