Tug Matlock (NY-73)
Bio

Tug Matlock is running for the Republican nomination for Congress for New York's 73rd district. The 73rd district has not gone Republican in 106 years, but Tug has energized the base by riding a horse to all of his campaign events. Tug is a former mercenary veteran of three African civil wars. He is a small business owner and millionaire thanks to DVD proceeds from Bum Warriors, the country's third largest homeless battle circuit. He achieved notoriety in the lamestream media for circulating emails featuring Sasha and Malia Obama's faces Photoshopped onto piles of dog feces. He has explained this incident by stating, "What are you, gay?" He graduated from the mean streets in 1976 with a Masters in Bringin' It.

Platform

  • Lower all income taxes to zero
  • Eliminate infant formula for poor babies
  • Abolish libraries and auction off books to pay for more troops in Iraq
  • Smoking allowed in hospitals again
  • Eliminate the Death Tax
  • Repeal Healthcare

Prospects

Tug Matlock is currently polling 53 to 31 against his Republican opponent in the primary and 55 to 41 against his Democrat opponent in the general election.

Sarah Palin is proud to endorse Tug Matlock!

Kelly Lombardo (Nevada Senate)
Bio

Kelly Lombardo is a Real American from Nevada who is working hard for hard working Americans to defeat Harry Reid. No one has ever seen Kelly outside of some photographs released by her campaign and she may actually be the result of a computer program. A darn smart computer program! Kelly is self-financing her campaign thanks to her successful business career as the CEO of La Forge, Ltd., a business that builds electrocution beds for otter and red panda furriers. She successfully doubled the company's profit while CEO by closing its factory in Nevada and moving it to China. She graduated from Harward Online Bible & Web Design College with a BA in Music.

Platform

  • More jobs
  • Freedom for people
  • A good chance (no big brother)
  • Less tax and spend
  • Restore USA with fiscal sanity
  • Pride in American family

Prospects

Kelly is currently polling at 47 to 44 among likely voters in the upcoming Senate election.

Sarah Palin is proud to endorse a working mom like Kelly Lombardo!

Terry Tanner (Utah Senate)
Bio

The closed Utah Republican Primary is decided through a Mormon prayer caucus. In May the Mormons shocked sitting 4-term Senator Rusty Cobb and decided to support tea party advocate and former oil industry lobbyist Terry Tanner for Utah Senate. By law there are no Democrats in Utah, but a half-Puerto Rican Republican was asked to pose as Terry's Democrat opponent for purposes of sportsmanship. Terry is currently being arraigned for lynching and setting fire to a census taker, for illegally attaching a naval weapon to a truck, and for manufacturing methamphetamine. He is innocent unless proven guilty.

Platform

  • Lynch and burn all census takers
  • Prepare vehicles for future highway wars
  • Strength through purity
  • Intelligence through purity
  • Purity through strength
  • Eliminate DEA

Prospects

Terry Tanner is currently polling 86 to 9 against his fake Democrat opponent in the general election.

Sarah Palin is proud to endorse Terry Tanner!

Literal Bucket of Hot Piss (CT-8)
Bio

Literal Bucket of Hot Piss is a bucket full of hot urine from the bladder of something evil. It came out just the night before and is still warm, you can even feel it through the plastic bucket if you pick it up. Literal Bucket of Hot Piss is tired of Washington spending sprees, corporate welfare, anchor babies, czars, regulations, and various other words and phrases chosen from a word cloud. Literal Bucket of Hot Piss has never been politically active, but is a lifelong conservative and was sick and tired of RINOs running for office in Connecticut. Time to stand up for some values. He is running against Republican Attorney General Royce Rogers in the primary and 5-term Democrat Don Louis in the general.

Platform

  • Require the President to show secret white people papers with all watermarks
  • No more voting for things we don't like ever again
  • Eliminate Department of Education and replace it with 100-mile prayer circle
  • Deregulate banking industry and allow freedom to solve economies
  • No more mosks unless ALL muslens apologize for 9/11 plus church allowed in Mecca.
  • Repeal amendments giving rights to terrorists/Mexican babies

Prospects

Literal Bucket of Hot Piss is currently polling 63 to 28 against his Republican opponent in the primary and although he trails Democrat Don Louis 44 to 53 the trend lines are all in Literal Bucket of Hot Piss's favor.

Sarah Palin is a big supporter of Literal Bucket of Hot Piss. Connecticut could not ask for a better bucket of evil urine to send to Washington and kick entrenched politics a new one!

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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