Hello dorks, and welcome to another Ask Emily column. This was going to run every other Wednesday, but due to an overwhelming response from people who want me to make decisions about their horrible lives for them, we are putting it up every other Monday and every other Wednesday so that I can answer your letters in a prompt and courteous fashion. In other words, send me letters because they stand a pretty good chance of being answered, even if they are answered rather poorly and my advice to you includes the words, "Don't ever pee on those." In fact, the only reason that I would not answer your letter is if you write me something horribly stupid (SHOCKER, some people do send me this stuff), such as:

Deer Emiyl,

My freind JEffK wants me 2 suk on hiz penix but I dont wnat 2. Hez a leet hax0r tho so I dont kno. He;lp!

Other than that, though, you are welcome to send me your questions about any subject you can possibly think of to [email protected] and I will do my best to help you out. For those of you too chicken to write me anything, feel free to read on and maybe these poor, sad people will make you feel better about your own pathetic existence. Just like last week's column and all columns hereafter, all of these letters are 100% genuine and come from actual depressing people.


Hello Dan,Ah, college and the dorms made of cardboard. I remember that situation well. The people next door to me were always listening to horrible booty-bass rap loud enough to break eardrums, and it was terrible. The worst part was that they had class at something like eight in the morning and I didn't have class until 11, but they woke up at about six AM every morning and turned that shit on. Before I knew what was going on I was having dreams about mad phat rides and stacked hoez all up in my grill. In any case, you have many options here:1. You can always just go the fuck over there and tell them to turn their shit down. I realize that this is a scary thing to do, especially if you're a skinny nerd and they're big jock meatheads, but chances are good that if you do this they will actually listen to you. They might beat you up later or maybe they will just laugh at you (and they probably won't like you from now on), but they will turn their music down at the very least and most likely keep it down. It's not even about courage, man! Armor yourself with righteous indignation and you'll be good to go.2. You can have someone else do the dirty work for you. Call the front desk-type thing in your dorm and tell them that the people next door have the music on way too loud. The dorm people will send someone up to tell them that there has been a complaint and you won't ever have to deal with the situation yourself. The people next door will know that someone close by has complained but they won't know who, so although you'll be a suspect they won't have any proof that it was you. You could similarly leave an anonymous note on their door about it.3. Do something annoying and childish to send a message to them. For example, you could turn your music on really loud to "show them what it's like." This is a dumb idea but maybe they are also dumb and need something like this in order to understand the situation.4. Kill them. This is a simple and elegant solution to your problem and you'll have nothing to worry about until the new people move in and start listening to music really loudly as well. But then you can kill them, and soon you'll be in jail where people will assrape you but you won't have to listen to that music because music won't be allowed in jail.5. Just deal with it. As shitty as it is, this is part of the "college experience." If you can't study there, go to a library or somewhere quiet where you can. If you have tried or try options one or two and they still don't turn it down, you really have no other choice, so you'll have to accept it for what it is. Maybe you'll start to like their music, who knows? Look at it as a learning experience or something, whatever you have to do to get through the year.Hope this helped; good luck.

That was a dumb question. Next!

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