Until last week, I'd never heard of Miranda Cosgrove, being allergic to Jack Black (School of Rock) and older than 11 (Drake and Josh, iCarly). But when an intrepid reader alerted me that her online following was a bit askew, I checked out Miranda-Cosgrove.net. Webmaster David, a 20-year-old English physics student, concludes his mission statement by pining for a Cosgrove interview: "To be able to send the fans' questions to Miranda herself would be a wonderful thing. It may be a wild aim, but there's nothing wrong with striving for the unlikely dream." It's inspiring to see people pursue such edifying life goals as an e-mail interview with a semi-famous kid -- reach for the stars, David! David pays Cosgrove poetic tribute with a sonnet that repeatedly references her "haunting eyes," an odd distinguishing characteristic for a 15-year-old comic actress.
Miranda-Cosgrove.net advertises job openings, because nothing says "viable career opportunity" like an Internet shrine to a relatively obscure teenage starlet. Unlisted, yet available, is David's position, which he resigned last fall in a maudlin farewell missive ("Most of all, I apologise to Miranda. I'll always be your fan and supporter and I'm sorry for not doing you justice.") The now-rudderless site still hosts an active forum, on which creepy Cosgrove enthusiasts fetishize her feet and pose probing questions such as "Is Miranda ticklish and where?"
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
Awful Links of the Day spotlights the worst and weirdest websites on the internet. And we're not talking "weird" in a good way either.