Being a real vampire is hard, and parents just don't understand. Luckily, Vampirewebsite.net provides a wealth of resources that can help vampires understand the pros and cons of their cool powers. It's run by a vampire named Steve, who deserves a round of applause for putting the absolute bare minimum amount of effort into naming his vampire website. Great job, Steve.
According to Steve, real vampires are caused by a "genetic anomaly caused by an endogenous retrovirus." Now, to be clear, we're talking about real vampires, not wannabe poser vamps like "energy vampires." Think you might be one? Take this little quiz to find out for sure. If you have a deadbeat dad, don't get scared at the scary parts in movies, and can hear the high-pitched noise only teens can hear: Congratulations, you might be a vampire! You must have all of these traits, though, plus 34 more. Apparently close doesn't count when it comes to vampires:
Having only half of the traits listed does not make you a half vampire, it makes you nothing special. It is impossible to be a half-vampire, anyone that thinks otherwise is a total idiot.
Once you become a vampire, you'll find that it comes with its own set of challenges. For instance, there's the whole issue of acquiring blood. Contrary to offensive outdated stereotypes, today's vampires don't kill people for blood; rather, they find an "emo" cutter and ask them for permission, or stock up on beef jerky. Then there's the exaggerated feud between vampires and vampire slayers. Keep this in mind: Most modern slayers are extremely chill, and will only murder you if they see you going psycho on someone. Don't worry, vampires: It's getting better!
Another issue is "coming out" as a vampire to your friends and family. Steve relates a story about... not telling an old lady, because his sister didn't want him acting weird. Truly inspirational stuff. Nevertheless, Steve says vampires need to come out of the coffin and announce themselves to the world, which is important mainly for marketing purposes:
This needs to change, the world is ready to know and the sooner that the world does know, the sooner our lives will be a lot easier, because that is when we will all be able to do things such as buy blood as easily as people buy their groceries, list being a real vampire as a qualification when applying for jobs, have target advertising directed to us selling us clothes and other products that we never even knew that we wanted until they have showed us that they now have it, etc.
Move over, millennials! Soon, vampires will be the advertising world's most coveted demographic, and Taco Bell will be marketing crunchwraps to them instead!
Even if you're not a vampire, the site is full of advice on interacting with them. How does one go about finding a vampire? Well, it sounds easy enough: They're usually pretty pale, and "their aura will have dark clouds of energy in it." Once you've found one, feel free to approach them, wink at them, and let them know their secret is safe with you. Sure, they might give you a blank stare or yell at you, but that's probably just because they don't realize they're a vampire yet.
I'm thankful that the internet has a few more weeks of Net Neutrality protection before the inevitable outcome of deregulation comes to pass. I'll see you on Tier Basic, assuming you spring for the Limited Email Plan and your ISP hasn't throttled this domain.
Hey, friends! Steve Mnuchin is taking a trip to the money. Let's go with him!
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