|I hate cats. I hate their tiny, slinky bodies; their slitted, malevolent eyes; their pernicious and omnipresent dander; their penchant for appearing in image macros. They unsettle me, as I never know whether they are circling my leg in order to rub happily against my ankle or just sizing up the best angle from which to launch a fully clawed sneak attack on my balls.|
But goons love their cats. This love may derive from envy, as cats are clean, intelligent animals, and thus exemplify standards that goons aspire to but never achieve. Still, when prodded awake by their masters, they produce looks of bemusement and distaste that approximate those worn by their caretakers upon finding out their bacon privileges have been removed. The following paged document this drama.
A brief aside - for the sake of convenience, I will be referring to the cats by the names of their owners. I do this because I couldn't recall the pet names - there were so many furballs called "Buddy" and "Fluffy" and "Chainsaw Whiskers" that I couldn't keep it straight - and because I believe that anyone willing to post about their pet for forty pages is obviously enamored enough with the thing to view such an anthropomorphic mashup of identity an honor, not an insult.
hoodrow trillson gets us started off.
1. Your cat is probably sleeping right now, knowing cats
2. Get a camera
3. Wake that lil bitch up
4. Take a picture of the face your cat makes (maybe wait for a good yawn)
5. Post that shit
A black person is there are no eyes here, in this valley of dying stars.
A Child's Letter regrets the excesses of the previous evening.
AgentHaiTo says hello to the chair's topography.
Always Shirtless wants to know what you think about the Zionist conspiracy.
AsecretK invites you to join him for another gripping episode of The People's Court.
Barometer wants to know if you've seen his favorite Dustin Pedroia autographed jersey.
barraGOUDA is too much cat for you.
bbf2 can't...go on...
Braki just got back from Burning Man and doesn't remember any of it.
burtonos questions whether you are truly in good hands with All-State.
cent0r is so happy his anime megapack just got shipped from Tokyo!!! ^_^
Clanpot Shake taught Wilford Brimley everything he knows.
CropGuru suggests you reexamine your belief in a benevolent Creator.
Dalthas knows that when you outlaw guns, only cats will have guns; the laws of man cannot contain them.
He had a yellow inflatable tube around his waist, the kind with a comical duck head. There was a tiny fish in one of his hands, and a trident in the other. In the background a squirrel wearing shades was water skiing.
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text. Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.