Fall is the most magical time of the year, for people who sell office equipment, on the Internet! All across the First World, white-collar workers return from their summer vacations, and students return to their schools and colleges, each replete with the garbage they need to complete their busywork. For the unlucky billions in the Third World who crawl through our trash and manufacture our shiny new supplies, it's hell on earth, but let's be Americans here and not think about that any further!

Work is a social environment, and there's no better way to earn the respect of your coworkers than by wearing this padded head-bag! It's dry-clean only, so try not to slobber on it while you're sleeping in the middle of your cube farm, where everyone can see your stupid Internet pillow.

Pencil drumsticks are ideal for the asshole who wants to tap pencils on his desk all day, especially if he likes to mutter-sing some kind of moron song under his breath while he does it. "Duh-nuh-nuh, TAP TAP TAP," your coworkers' day will go, no matter how high their headphones are turned up, no matter if they're on a million-dollar phone call or an under-the-desk Candy Crush binge.

While you're screwing around with office supplies, why not get these plastic pen-utensils? Sure, it'd be easier to just keep a regular spoon, fork, and knife at your desk, or grab a few plastic ones from the cafeteria one day, but having to keep your third-party cap on your plastic pen while you eat and read Something Awful all day might just be the challenge you need in your life.

In 2014, the desk phone has been deprecated. But why not enjoy some of that pre-9/11 office swag with this ungodly expensive fake office-desk-phone? You could also get a '90s-style flip-phone case for your iPhone, which you can use when you're away from your desk, to get that "I can't talk right now, I'm at Lilith Fair" swag back in your workday.

I have no words for this mouse pad, but I assume if you're a member of the Volunteer Dildo Patrol, you'll know what it means.

Start each day (or wind it down) with hot coffee in your gun mug. It's a great way to tell your coworkers "If this was a gun, I could shoot you right now, and I do love guns, as you can see by the fact I bought a gun mug." It'll make them keep their distance, so you can use your USB Hole Warmer at work, in peace.

Drew Fairweather is the author of three daily sites: The Worst Things for Sale, Toothpaste for Dinner, and Married to the Sea.

– Drew Fairweather (@drewtoothpaste)

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