These are the tools of April Fools.
Reading is good, in general, but sometimes it's just another way to put insane porn into your body.
There are people in the world who have committed hardware for eating the bowls they fill with food.
‘Mom, why did you buy me the smallest, cheapest and least fashionable murder-prevention accessory?’
Not pocket-SIZED products, but actual pockets! Now you can put stuff in your socks, underwear. Cover your body in pockets!
Everyone LIKES pizza. But if you LOVE pizza enough to buy this stuff, you probably lead a disgusting pizza-driven life.
This is a Pope Safe. Put your weed and pipes in it; the pigs can’t mess with them without a warrant!
Oh, one of my neighbors decided they needed a new Cyber Monday TV? Nope. It's my TV now. It was hard to get into my trunk, but it’s worth it to think about how whoever bought this is sitting at home, enjoying their existing TV, realizing that life isn't just about a constant string of hardware upgrades.
Forever accompanying fine art, especially contemporary fine art, is the argument ‘that's not even art.’ Well, everything I’ve included here is art. It's shitty art that says nothing and is worth even less, but it's still art. That's the cool thing about art! Wait, no, the cool thing about art is when it's good and makes you get ideas or feelings.
Kids are how people are made, but the entire process is an insane nightmare, from the horror of growing a person inside of your own uterus to these awful products that were designed to take advantage of your infant-addled brain!
Haha! Who would want to be an extremely beautiful, voluptuous lady, clad in red strip-string, dancing the night away, with your regular legs hanging from your massive, sagging hips? That wouldn't be fun at all. Best to sneer so no one accidentally thinks I would want to do this on Halloween, or in March, or next month, or on my birthday.
It's too late to buy a Boss's Day gift, it's today and you're already fired. But you can still shop for other fake holidays!
Lose weight by wearing magical toe rings*, exercising and eating healthy! *The toe rings do nothing.
Fall is the most magical time of the year, for people who sell office equipment, on the Internet!
Are you ready to join the Bitcoin Revolution? Yes, still, in 2014!
Dogs hate water. That's because dogs know better than us what's healthy. They're closer to nature.
Read the shirt, jock-tard! It doesn't say keep ANGRY and vape on. It says keep calm. Fairly classic meme. But it doesn't matter. I'm leaving. You win this one, if you consider being unenlightened about vape tech to be a win. Which you probably would.
Welcome to Piss Man's Pleasure Cave!
You see this? SD card inside the nickel. I may have accidentally put 4 gigs of sensitive personal and financial documents into a pop machine, but the convenience of keeping that data inside a fake coin can't be beat!
It's the Year of Burpo.
A little something for the ladies...
Has the mobile-computing revolution freed us from the cycle of consumption? YES! Now, instead of buying crap to cheer us up about spending long hours away from our family and friends, we can keep in touch with them throughout the day, reinforcing the bonds with those who matter to us. Haha, just kidding, now we need to buy shit for our phones too.
Saddle up to the web, America, because it's Mother Fuckin' Beer Time!
You never know what you're going to get with a paranormal product, but it's definitely going to be real, and not imaginary, and not sad.
Don't touch the poop!
I’m an adult and I want a little Tetris sandwich. Will you please cut my mushy baby food into video-game shapes? No crust. Throw the icky part in the trash and not in my tummy.
Onward, my fellow manozens (man citizens!) Onward, alphas, down the path to sexcess (sex success)!!!
WARNING: These products can cause SEX DEPRESSION. Do NOT think about who is using them, or why.
Hi, I'm Vegan Smythe, novelty musician with a cause! Watch me sing "Groovy Vegan Song" into this carrot microphone!
These bogus, superficial self-improvement products don’t really do anything! Well, I guess some of them cause pain.
Learn how to lead a caffeine/profanity/prophylactic/sanity-free lifestyle!
NOTE: Shopping for baby gifts can be unfulfilling due to recipients' inability to comprehend objects, occasions.
'Words with Friends: The Board Game' was just the beginning: 5 more adaptations your kids will hate!
It's cold, it's dark, you are alone, you must work, and you will never enjoy the fruits of your labor. Snowcat Simulator is nothing if not a mirror held up to our reality.
Right around the time when the first bacon-based lubricrants hit the market, the pigs began to go sterile. They’d simply ingested too much trash. And not long after that, the same thing happened to us. Greasing ourselves with bacon-lube as we tried to procreate didn’t help.
You see, evolutionarily speaking, everything is about sex. For human society to continue, we have to mate. So why dance around it with Halloween costumes like 'huge boner' and 'short M&M dress with snarling candyboobs'? Just strap a plug around your waist and put your date in an electrical-socket sack!
Sit on a bouncy ball! Type words while walking at a very slow pace! Vibrate your whole dumb body! Now THAT's exercise!
Children's coffin sold separately!
Bark bark bark! That's dog speak for THANKS FOR THE DOG PORTHOLE.
'Oh, that angry face is old hat to an internet pro like myself.' Think again, pal! That's actually soap you can use irl, ftw.
The longer you let your drink cool in this stupid ice-glass, the more the ice melts. It's a race against time!
In his first Awful Things for Sale article, Drew Toothpaste finds and consumes horrifying foodstuffs!