Clues of the News
I don't know what happened to this picture thing but I am certain of one thing I tell you that it is not my doing at all. I am not really at all fat and blurry in persons.
Hello loyal readers and fan types, I am making to write pages in this book of Something Awful to update "Coranto News Systems" whoever in the heck that is! Zack "Ghost Eliminator" Parsons is sending me the instant messaging which is like a verbal conversations held electronically and is saying "Greatest wrestler in all of Southern Hemispheres, will you be updating the page on this balmy Friday morning so that I am making to travel out of the states?" I am known far and wide as being towards a man of action in my disposition so I am seizing the bulls by the hair and writing about the news for Mr. Coranto.
Here is a letter I have composed to give the thanks to Mr. Coranto for this fantastic type opportunity in this topsy-turvy job market.
Dear Mr. Coranto,
Yours Truly is excited beyond the moon to be given the chances needed to prove myself and believe you me it only takes one chance because I am known far and wide as being towards a man of successful chances in my disposition. I am supposed to update about the news and current of events, so I am thinking something along the lines of "MY NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR HAS DROPSY" or "SCIENTIST DISCOVERS THAT LOCAL RESIDENT HECTOR JUAREZ HAS IRON ANEMIA." I am thinking maybe to be sensationalizing this if press is color shifted to the yellows and having "NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR CARRYING DEADLY PLAGUE!" or "HECTOR JUAREZ PROVEN TO BE UNDEAD: VAMPIRE HUNTERS DISPATCHED!". Oh wait for just one second, I am typing this in the messaging book Outlooks and a message is coming from other staff member types of Something Awful and is saying to write about headlines in CNN book. Cancel the news of the neighbors that you can use, it will be all news you can use from the CNN book which I am informing the world about like powerful wrestling federations FARK.
They are champions of terror and no good in these parts!
This drink I am proposing the toasting with is to you Mr. Coranto, wherever you are God rest your soul.
Your Truest Friend,
El Pinto Grande
Is this being you Mr. Coranto? I am picturing you in my head to be taller and with more hair on your jaws.
I am not knowing if Mr. Coranto is reading this letter or even reading my page in the Something Awful book today but I am sending my best wishes out to him in this time of intrigue. Also I am making to ask that I have been sent the file from "LocDogz" at least in the number of twenty times and the first ten I am sending in order to give my advice but I am getting response from man saying "WTF (I think it is standing for Warsaw Turtle Fever) dude u r gay". LocDogz if you are reading this I am asking you to stop sending file because I give advice ten times already. I understand my English is not the top of the town but yours is in a shambles! Please do not go to the location of my wasted time again or it will be trouble in terror town for you sir. Good day!
No more time for the personal messages, I am here to be an informational journal correspondent and that is why I earn the big bucks. I am saying I write about my moves and earn the big bucks even though the big bucks are coming from the direction of actually the wrestling action.
911 Bomb Attacker Pleads Guilt and Judges Say "No Thank You"
Escaped terrorist captured after failed attempt to blow up crops in Midwest with crop duster jet filled with dynamite Zacarius with the last name that starts with an "M" and ends with being too hard for me to remember the spelling is on trial in America. He told the judges today that "this courtroom is for the birds and my respect is in the dog house, I am guilty" and the judges made to tell him "in America you play by the books and the books say take a load off for one week". This no nonsense judge is really playing my kind of ballgame today and my hat is off to her if I am wearing a hat and not a mask which I am only taking off when I am defeated in mask stakes honor match up. I think it's high time that the terrorists are made to pay for the actions they are taking against innocents lives. I know there are many wrestlers on top of the border who are willing sorts to delivering punishing justice to the terrorists with the fury of their punch attacks.
Policeman Punches Escaped Special Citizen in California America
In America police need to learn special citizen is strong as ox and can smash through plate glass without stopping the touching of groin in sweat pants. THIS IS SERIOUS ISSUE I KNOW!
A special citizen escaped from his pen in California a few days ago and was handcuffed and then punches were delivered to his face by American police officer causing big time controversies. California is afraid of return to riots only instead of the Africans rioting it is the special citizens this time. There are three special citizens in my town and they are almost riot all by themselves I am telling you, they are knocking over lamps and tripping on rocks all the time! It is being like a comedy of airs! If the hats weren't taped to their heads they would fly off and break a window three blocks over, these fellows would find a way! I agree with concerns, this riot would be bad news, put him in jail and give him a TV because he is a police man.
Samantha Runion's Five Year Old Dead Corpse Found for Manhunt
Former five year old Samantha's Runion has been found in a desert in California almost one hour from her house. This is the kind of thing that makes my blood boil and if I am finding the man responsible on my doorstep… well… I just don't know what I would do but I think it is being a bet you can win that his arms and head would not work right at all times after such an encounter with Yours Truly. I think maybe her father is the one who killed her and police should surround him and put him in the Goose Gal just to be sure. If killing is stopping then they know they are having their hands on the culprit and send him to salt mines.
Angela Joey Files for Divorces From Bill Thurmond
I was putting picture into book and son came in room and I had to close it in the events that son is seeing the nudity of Joey so I am sorry for picture is bad. I know!
Actress from movie of "Tomb Raider" and "Crackers" is sending other actor Bill Thurmont to the curb with a divorce filed in a court somewhere. Thurmont is best known for his role as the president in "Armageddons" and the special citizen he was in "Sling Blade". They are not even being married for whole five years, you see this is the state of relation ship these days, it is setting sail into high tides of turbulence. The kids in this day and age just do not know how to create the glue to tie each other together for all life. The glue is called a baby it is really easy and if you have a baby you are obligations of genetic lawsuit if you decide to file for the divorces. This is deep and saddening, who saw this one coming friends?
Bad Guys Blow Up More People in Israel America
US of A is country which is not catching a break. More terror is on the menu for the past few days and many of the Jewish people who live in state of Israel are being to exploded by the Bad Guys from Palestine. The baby Jesus is from Palestine but other than maybe those hats I like so much he is the only good thing to come out of country in the last fifty thousands years (fifty millions if you believe the story of the dinosaurs instead of the Bible). Israel police commissioner is hauling in nine people for questioning and things look like they are in the hot water. When will these crooks ever learn that crimes just does not pay the bills? I think it will be along time because they are block heads!
New Dinosaur Monster Discovered
This is just a taste of the things to come if this beast is set on the loose! Goodbye Lady Liva-Treatz!
A new menace is coming. A giant dinosaur monster was found in South America but luckily it was dead. I hope it was natural causes that is taking the life of this beast because if it is being killed by a bigger dinosaur monster then I don't even want to think about what we are up against now. There are rumors that Mexico is mobilizing troops to clear out the nest. You read that right friends, the nest, these are bird dinosaurs and they have the biggest attack heads on the scales, even bigger I am guessing than Senor Severe Fightro Sethalus and his giant human head. Are you remembering the three special citizens who cause trouble around town? Fightro is one of these, he is their ring leader because he is paid in butter and tequila for his work ringsides, always in a tantrum!
This is all I am seeing on the computer book of CNN so you are up to speed. This only took me one hour to write down in the Something Awful book so it is the guess of Yours Truly that you are up to speed in twenty minutes of your value time. Thank you for reading!
Photoshop Phriday: The Movie
Well hello there! This is Livestock here to tell you that there is a brand new Photoshop Phriday feature up and ready for you to gaze at. This week the Something Awful Forum Goons tackled a bunch of modern movie posters like they were the Fantastic Four and them posters was Dr. Doom! Here is a preview:
The boat is setting sail! Climb aboard now and get sea sick.