Internet Discount Barn: Summer's End Savings!
Summer may be coming to a close, but the Internet Discount Barn is still offering the HOTTEST bargains around! Since 1994, the IDB has offered the lowest prices on the least desirable items-- not to get all OG on this shit, but Woot totally ripped us off, and we're still pissed... but we pass our outrage to you in the form of savings!
Discontinued "Demographic" Grapes
Do you fit an "alternative" young adult demographic? Boy, have we got some grapes for you! These bagged grapes appeal to your sensibilities with the kind of authenticity you've come to expect from high-end grape marketers. Mix and match from these fresh demos; please specify!
Gamer Grapez: A bag of red grapes with the reflex-building tannins and flavonoids that give your body the sickest fragging ownage edge!
Skate Grapez: A bag of purple grapes with all the wicked grind of a pro street skater and all the wholesome resveratrol of a high-quality muscadine!
Rap Grapez: A bag of purple grapes packed with the heart-healthy urban polyphenolics that keep you credible while you're hugging the block!
GLBT Grapez: A mix of ripe Concords and Scuppernongs as diverse as your place within the queer rainbow spectrum. You go, girl!
Full disclosure: these grapes are old! Like 2003 old! And we don't have any refrigeration here, sooooo...
$1.12 per 750ml bottle!
Top-quality Bolivian liquor at a fraction of the retail price! Enjoy the exotic taste of Brujalín, the beloved national beverage of South America's poorest country. In a four-step process that ensures the best possible flavor and purity, every batch of Brujalín is created with only the best ingredients: sparkling Bolivian well water, medical-grade hydrogen peroxide, a twelve-pack of authentic dehydrated Coors Light and, for that inimitable Brujalín flavor, a dead kitten in every bottle.
While most of us here at Internet Discount Barn have been too squeamish to try it, our stock manager has become a regular Brujalín drinker and something of a connoisseur. "Remember," he tells us all the time, "if there's not kitten at the bottom of the bottle, it's not real Brujalín! To drink the kitten is a show of fortitude and masculinity. I have terrible nightmares now, all day, with my eyes open."
Not approved for human consumption by any official board of anything. The law requires us to tell you not to drink it, so don't drink it-- but if you do, you might just find it's the best bottle of liquor you ever paid $1.12 for!
Unpublished J.D. Salinger Manuscripts
$4.00 per bundle!
A sweet stash of assorted notebooks, loose-leaf manuscripts and composition books by a reclusive writer named J.D. Salinger! Four bucks may sound a little steep for a stack of old papers with words scrawled on them, but you might just discover a lost literary masterpiece within these waterlogged, snail-eaten pages. Each parcel is guaranteed to contain at least one full novel, two novellas and nine short stories-- all unpublished, all unseen by any eyes other than the authors!
Get 'em before they're all gone, because these babies are flying off the shelves faster than unattended children plunge off cliffs into some kind of metaphor for adulthood!
Please note: not that J.D. Salinger, obviously! Four dollars? Do you think we're morons? We may be crazy about bargains, but we're not stupid about crazy.
$260 per 6,800 tons!
One man's trash is another man's treasure, and if you're another man, boy have we got some treasure for you! We're selling 6,800 tons of premium, boutique-quality garbage for less than three hundred bucks-- that's less than $5 per ton!
"But why buy garbage?" It's a question we hear a lot over at the Internet Discount Barn, and it's one we love to answer: buy garbage because it's CHEAP! While we acknowledge that buying small quantities of trash would be, financially, a real "dog's errand," imagine the possibilities inherent in buying a HUGE amount of garbage! You could start your own lucrative private landfill, or open a trash-themed amusement park. You could melt down the garbage into its component elements and scour it for valuable minerals. Or, if you're a compulsive hoarder looking to live your life waist-deep in trash, this is your chance to buy a lifetime supply of garbage at a fantastic price!
The Guy Who Played Brian Krakow on My So Called Life Drinking Pee
$21.00 per video!
We've had this video for a while, and the boys in the stock room just love watching it for cheap laughs! Here's what you'll see: the kid who played Brian Krakow on My So Called Life (still young, maybe filmed concurrently with the show) looking really upset, trembling with emotion, a mason jar full of pee clutched in each fist, just angrily guzzling, shuddering, guzzling again, switching from jar to jar, a sip from one then the other then the first again-- and then the camera pans out and you see that he's got a whole shelf full of jars of pee. Is he going to drink them? The video ends before that mystery is solved, but there's no mystery about one thing: the guy who played Brian Krakow is a fucking fiend when it comes to chugging pee!
1996 Rapist's Almanac
A reference book for rapists as indefensible as it is indispensable! Filled with facts and figures to assist rapists in the U.S., including jurisdictional laws, a directory of the nation's most lenient and misogynist judges, maps of unlit alleys near co-ed universities and much more. We have no idea why anyone would publish this, but we're not here to pass judgment-- we're here to pass savings!
We hate that this thing exists, and we're thrilled to offer it for a bargain-basement price of half a dollar per copy-- or, hell, just come by and take one! We've got sixteen crates of these things, and boy howdy would we love to not have them anymore! They're clammy and unwholesome, and we don't want to sound like hippies, but they deal us mighty fantods with their "bad vibes." Get one while they last!
We can't be held legally responsible for how you might use the information in this book-- it's more than ten years out of date, so take its advice with a grain of salt!