Like most human beings occupying this fragile sphere we call Teegeeack (Earth in the modern parlance), I am driven by an unquenchable thirst for knowledge. I spend at least 20-30 minutes each day positively yearning for knowledge. And I yearn hard.

I presume that you, like me, also yearn a great deal. Thus, as a means of sharing some of my wisdom and making you a better person, I have prepared a pleasing bulleted list of empirical facts. Commit them to memory at your earliest possible convenience.

  • The average human being spends at least one year of life exploring virtual caves and sewers.
  • It is better to have owned a boat and lost it to pirates than to have never owned a boat at all.
  • The sea pirate fears nothing greater than the stern reprimands of a father figure.
  • If current evolutionary trends continue, within a million years gigantic moose will be the dominant species on the planet.
  • The tallest man in recorded history, Mack Paulsy, was a spine-crushing 27 feet tall.
  • After extensive research, scientists unanimously agree: the most unsanitary surface in the world is the inside of a magician's sleeve.
  • All notaries are also licensed coroners. However, not all coroners are licensed notaries. Keep that in mind when trying to kill two birds with one stone.
  • It is widely agreed that the dog is ill-suited for time travel due to its inability to remain objective.
  • The average person is struck by at least three trains in their lifetime.
  • In Europe, the sport of baseball is called "hand tennis."
  • Similarly in Europe, fluid volume is measured in "gulps."
  • William Howard Taft is the only former president to have died after being stung by a string ray.
  • The Earth is indeed hollow. Unfortunately, Inner Earth is completely flooded with chain stores and office parks.
  • The original version of the Second Amendment included the right to bear falcons, but that was later removed due to James Madison's crippling phobia of birds (his parents were both killed by birds).
  • The average American owns seven tractors. The average European has to make due with a modest three tractors.
  • Actor George C. Scott is the only man to have won a staring a contest against the sun. He suffered third degree burns and permanent blindness, but eventually the sun relented, leaving him victorious.
  • The richest American is "The Million Dollar Man" Ted Dibiasi, whose net worth is valued at approximately one million dollars.
  • Critics agree: the best kinds of movies are the ones where the giant gorilla gets the girl.
  • The most successful play in American history is Laser Shakespeare in the Park.
  • The most successful book of all time is The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Babies, itself scribed by Bobby Engert, America's most successful baby.
  • The most successful whale is Neptune, who graduated magnum cum laude from Columbia with a master's degree in international relations.
  • A dreamcatcher's filter must be changed every three months to prevent clogging.
  • The average person swallows seven rocks a year while sleeping. Most are passed quietly without the person ever knowing.

I can only hope and pray this information has enriched your life in some immeasurable way.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)

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