Another Awful Energy Drink Review Roundup (Part II)
Kevin "Fragmaster" Bowen and I recently dove into the depressing carbonated kingdom of energy drinks, resulting in part one of our latest Awful Energy Drink Review Roundup. Since we here at Something Awful are absolutely huge fans of consequential numbering, today we proudly present part two of this disgusting series. Enjoy! We sure as hell didn't!
Full Throttle FURY
Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka: Just like a major gas station, Full Throttle serves both UNLEADED and FURY. I think FURY means there's ethanol in it. Well, ethanol and pure stupid clichéd energy drink bullshit on its packaging: "You've been there. Against the odds, you've found yourself in the home stretch - neck and neck with the other guy. Does he have what you have? The fury inside to go all the way? To never give up or let up?" Wait, what? Is there some beverage back-story I missed? Who is this "other guy" and why are we comparing necks? Are we in some kind of neck contest? Why does Full Throttle think I have a bunch of fury inside of me? I'm not Frank Castle, for god's sake. I just wanted to buy and review energy terrible energy drinks, not launch into a crusade to grow the biggest neck and defeat the evil "other guy."
Although the can claims to contain an "orange flavor," it actually tastes like a dandelion stem. 3,000 mg of "FULL THROTTLE BLEND" includes such essential vitamins and minerals as carnitine and sucrose. A few weeks ago, I didn't get my daily recommended intake of carnitine in my diet, and my toenails fell off. Let this be a lesson to all you kids out there: make sure to regularly consume energy drinks every day, or else you'll grow up to become a webmaster.
Kevin "Fragmaster" Bowen: You may not be Frank Castle, but you sure do like to dish out punishment. Why are you making me do this? Anyhow, apparently liquidized FURY is dark orange and tastes highly suspicious. Something isn't right here, but I can't quite figure out what. This crap tastes a lot like the orange soda my grandparents would offer me when I came to visit them, because they remembered I liked orange soda back when I was eight years old. Unfortunately, I visited them like once every five years, and they offered me the exact same can each time. I'm probably rating this drink a bit too highly, but after suffering through Full Throttle UNLEADED, I would've awarded a 5 / 10 rating to a can which simply contained several hundred rusty hypodermic needles.
Rating: 2 / 10 (Rich), 4 / 10 (Frags)
FRS Antioxidant Health Drink (Wild Berry)
Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka: I used to be a big fan of oxygen back when I was a kid and my parents claimed I needed it to breathe. Then scientists taught me to hate oxygen because breathing it makes you get old. In the late 1980s, the vitamin industry arbitrarily decided human beings require a bunch of anti-oxidants to eliminate all that evil air floating through our body-tubes. Well screw you, vitamin industry, and your desire to sell me magic anti-oxygen pills. I'll just do it the old fashioned way by farting uncontrollably at 2:00 AM.
Speaking of gas, FRS can best be described as "liquid fart in a can," although they shouldn't necessarily attempt to market it that way. My one-month old daughter Jaylen regularly produces filthy diapers which smell much better than FRS's so-called "health drink." This unholy attempt at the popular yet obscenely fictional "wild berry" reeks like a used walnut enema kit sitting in a trash bag under the hot tropical sun. This drink is so horrible that I actually went back and added an extra point to Full Throttle's review, just to accurately convey the magnitude of apocalyptic awfulness here. FRS claims their product is low in calories, but you know what else is low in calories? The bullet I'm about to blow through my brains to remove all memories of this horrible monstrosity. It probably has more vitamins and minerals too.
Kevin "Fragmaster" Bowen: If you pour this concoction into a glass, a toxic-looking oil slick slowly rises to the surface, like that oil monster creature from hell who ate the lesbian on that episode of "Full House" I watched while messed up on LSD. I think it was Kimmy Gibbler? Anyhow, it smells exactly like the leftover milk at the bottom of a Boo-Berry cereal bowl. Trying to drink this was just a tremendously uncomfortable experience; it felt like some kind of second puberty. If the slow kid in fifth grade invented a new drink, this would probably be it. I can't even classify this as a "drink"; it's more of an evil prank pancake syrup for jerks.
Rating: 1 / 10 (Rich), 2 / 10 (Frags)
FRS Antioxidant Health Drink (Orange)
Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka: Well boy howdy, I sure loved FRS's rancid wild berry ride through hell, so how could their orange flavor be anything but the exciting, wonderful, feel-good experience of the decade? After all, FRS claims their drink "contains a patented combination of FLAVONOIDS (nature's most powerful antioxidants), ESSENTIAL VITAMINS and METABOLIC ENHANCERS. The flavonoids are quercetin (typically found in apple, onion and red grape skins) and green tea catechins." Finally, I'm accomplishing my lifelong dream of drinking an onion skin. My parents must be so proud.
This obscene orange produces a stench that reminded me of my drunk uncle's first attempt to make bar-b-que sauce, using only ingredients located in his pickup truck's glove compartment. The drink itself combines the zing of nail polish remover with the deep, rich flavor base of corroded car batteries. The term "energy drink" has never been more true: one sip of this, and you'll be running the fuck away from it as fast as possible.
Kevin "Fragmaster" Bowen: Oh boy, Rich is making me drink something looking like butternut squash and smelling like tropical ammonia. I certainly do not regret taking this job at all!!! At least it doesn't taste extremely terrible, at least in comparison to the other things I've had to consume for this article. It's actually not all that bad, it simply resembles orange juice which passed its expiration date in the late 90s. I officially certify this drink "not hideous," and Lowtax "a crybaby."
Rating: 1 / 10 (Rich), 4 / 10 (Frags)