Please Do Not Inhale the Smoke from Our Bath Salts
Since 1955, Hickory Meadows of Quaint, Vermont, has been devoted to providing relaxation baskets for mothers, daughters, grandmas and aunts. Our honey apple butter preserves are three time award winners here in Vermont and our foot salt soak is among the finest for those with swollen ankles. Shucks, we're glad you like our products.
Our pride and joy, and our most popular line, are the Soothing Rabbit brand bath products. These include bubble bath, bath bomb and bath salts. Uncle Jonathan and old Eli Rabbit have been making these relaxing bath time treats for over 40 years. Thousands of women have enjoyed them.
Wellll, recently, it has come to our attention that our Soothing Rabbit bath salts may contain a chemical compound derived from the adrenal glands of Chinese prisoners. Uncle Jonathan is having a look into whether or not this is a new thing and how Chinese adrenal extract could possibly effect you. Until he gets it all figured out, old Eli Rabbit has added a little warning to his label. If you operate a catalog or store that sells our products, please be sure this warning is prominently placed.
!WARNING: DO NOT INHALE THE SMOKE FROM BURNING SOOTHING RABBIT BATH SALTS!
Soothing Rabbit Bath Salts are not meant to be burned, aerosolized, crushed up and snorted, boiled and injected, eaten, or pulped and fed into an anus. If your Soothing Rabbit Bath Salts catch fire, begin to spontaneously combust ,or constantly smolder like hot mulch in August, please do not inhale the fumes.
The effects of inhaling the fumes of Soothing Rabbit Bath may include, but are not necessarily limited to, the following:
- An awesome full-body high
- Increased boner action
- Trippy color spirals and ghost faces
- Nightmare circus
- Visions of demons
- Whispers from demons
- Commands from demons
- Adult onset cannibalism
- Romero by proxy
- Necrotizing Face-eat-itis
- Straight up eating your roommate's gross body parts
- Frankenstein's Palsy
- Bride of Frankenstein's Palsy
- Taking off all your clothes and not in a good way
- Chewing up guts (self and others)
- Unstoppable hate frenzy
- Blood rampage
- Suicide by cop
Keep your floating votive candles away from your bath salts at all times. Do not attempt to place bath salts into your humidifier or vaporizer. If your baby accidentally eats a bath salt you dropped on the floor immediately tie them to a chair, werewolf style.
Please continue to safely enjoy all of our Hickory Meadows products. You can find our Soothing Rabbit Bath Salts in Pop Rocks sized packages located behind the counter at the weird cigarette store next to the bodega where they let their dog run around inside eating churros. Ask for the bath salts with the rabbit woman with the huge boobs and bloodshot eyes on the package.
Still have a face? Good news, Zack Parsons has written a novel called Liminal States and it will blow your damn face off.