I Lost Another Loan to Ditech!
"Commercials are pornography for capitalism." Frank Zappa.
I don't watch a whole lot of TV, but once in a while I might turn on the magic image box to watch a sports program or Animal Planet to see the funny animals fall down and bite people in the crotch. The most revolting thing I find about television is the commercials. I have a very sensitive mental state when it comes to aggressive advertising being shoved in my face. My normal defense against this consumer abuse is to flip the channels until the program is back on, or try to avoid taking in any stimuli by sealing my eyes and ears with quick drying cement. But sometimes I am far too lazy to reach for the remote or start the cement mixer, so I must sit and endure a bombardment of loud shouting, bright colors, and invasive jingles. Mostly, I just wince at or shake my head in disbelief, but some are so terrible that I wave at the air in front of me in a primitive attempt to make the hurting stop. I really don't understand the reasoning of the marketers behind these ads. Are they actively trying to get me to associate pain and suffering with their product, or is it that they have the intelligence and wit of a rolling pin and a marketing degree is more laughable than an English degree? It's probably the latter, although I never rule out a massive conspiracy by alien lizards to drive us insane with mind-boggling commercials.
Today I am going to share a few of my most hated commercials with you folks in hopes of exorcizing these ghosts that are haunting my fragile psyche. If that is not accomplished, I can hopefully remind you of these commercials so they stick in your mind for the rest of the day until you dive off a bridge on the way home from work or school. If I am going to suffer, I'll be damned if it's going to be alone.
In the entire history of advertising, there has never been a character as foul as the angry fat man in the Ditech.com commercials. A combination of really annoying ads, a stupid catchphrase, and the sheer frequency that these are shown on TV is the reason I hate them with all my heart. While the character is intentionally portrayed as a sleazy and distrustful salesman since he stands for the competitor, we don't get to see any of his rivals at Ditech. Are they a company of magical phantoms, or do they exist purely on the Internet while being run by a 16-year-old computer nerd? How are they stealing all the angry fat man's business with such a low profile? Regardless of the commercial's plot holes, the annoying slogan of "I lost another loan to Ditech!" over and over again is enough to infuriate one to violence towards their television. I hear this catchphrase when I am trying to sleep, while taking a shower, and while driving to work. When I see a goal scored against the hockey team I am rooting for, the first thing I want to say is "I lost another loan to Ditech." These commercials are not only terrible, but they are destroying my life, and millions of others' around this great country. For the love of the children, make it stop.
Fanta Fanta don't you wanta?
The horror, the horror. Nothing is worse than a commercial campaign to shove an indigestible catchphrase jingle down your throats. In this case, the proverbial item being lodged into our windpipe would be the size of a commuter jet. The first time I had the misfortune to see this commercial, it was in the third row of a movie theater where I was settling down with my popcorn and soda to watch the film "Troy". Showing commercials before movies is just wrong, and that combined with the annoying fellow audience members is a principle reason I hardly go to the theatre anymore. Seeing a bad commercial on the big screen is a soul-shattering experience because it's impossible to ignore it since it's fucking huge. The terror is magnified relative to its size. While this extra long version of the Fanta commercial played, I felt like a rat trapped in a cruel experiment by evil scientists, or like Alex in 'A Clockwork Orange'. I tried to hide in my popcorn, but the bright imagery and hideous song blew the bag apart; showering the stunned crowd with the delicious kernels. I quickly looked for something sharp to gouge my eyes out or piece my eardrum, but to no avail. After what seems like an eternity, the brightly clad sluts stopped singing about their shitty watered down soda and the half hour of previews started. Even before the movie started, my brain was completely taxed, and I fell into a deep slumber/coma, missing Brad Pitt's tight buttocks entirely. Curse you, Fanta! I hope all your marketing executives, along with their children and pets, are diagnosed with incurable bowel cancer.
That thing got a Hemi?
I don't know about you, but in my neighborhood, if you pull alongside a car and lean out to ask a question, there is a good chance of being shot in self-defense before you can say a word. Once on the corner of MI Ave and Inkster, I pulled up to a tripped out Caddy on hydraulics, asked for some Grey Poupon, and barely escaped with my life. Indeed, if I was stopped at a light and some pudgy hick stuck his head out of his car and inquired about the Hemi status of my vehicle, my first thought would be that he was scoping my car out to see if it was worthy of a carjacking. That's when I would probably take a shotgun out of the backseat, point it at the doe eyed inquisitor, hopefully say some terribly witty action hero line, and blow the goofy guesser to Hemi heaven. I really feel bad for the actors who get reoccurring gigs in these commercials. Sure it's an acting job and you're on TV, but you will never get cast in another role as long as you live. That dude will always be known as "the Hemi guy", and at parties, BBQ's, and bar mitzvahs he will be constantly asked, "Hey, that thing got a Hemi?" until he can't take it anymore and withdraws to a shabby motel room to drink himself to death in a bathtub. Speaking of which, has the Dell dude thrown himself into a raging river or kissed the business end of a .357 yet? Lets give it a few more years.
Quiznos' Internet fad ad
Quiznos made a bold new step in advertising when they decided to latch onto an Internet fad from Rathergood, that became a popular site by mothers and grandmothers aggressively forwarding it to everybody they know and don't know. The ad features two furry looking creatures with hideous teeth singing songs that have nothing to do with submarine sandwiches or food. In fact, the sight of the deformed "extremely wacky" furballs makes me anything but hungry. After seeing the commercial, I usually feel a little ill and the sight of a sub would probably cause me to spill my stomach contents all over my Kermit the Frog pajamas. So when is the next worn-out Internet craze going to be featured on a Quiznos' ad? My money is on the old "All Your Base" web phenomenon that Fark is just starting to get wind of. People tell me that Quiznos subs are pretty good, but maybe they should think twice before putting another Internet fad on their commercials and stick to showing something crazy like, oh I don't know, subs?
The office BK commercial
I'm sure most of you nerds love these commercials and will send me a fountain of hate mail and put bullets covered in French fry grease in my mailbox, but I find them extremely annoying, and not witty or clever in the least. They seem like a fast food version of the comic strip Dilbert. I admit that I liked the movie Office Space (well mostly just the first half) and I can see how people that work in the cubicle environment can relate to it, but the Burger King commercials are just idiotic. "I'm spicy!" shouts one worker, as the others mock his failed attempt at a catchphrase and then stone him to death with hamburgers. Actually that last part isn't true but it would make the commercial pretty good instead of thirty seconds of my precious time that I will never get back.
The Pepto Bismol dance
This is the worst commercial I have ever seen in my life. I hardly watch any TV, yet in the last week I had the ill luck of seeing this three times. It shows four people lined up in an office at a fax machine. Then along with narration, they do the Pepto Bismol dance. What is the Pepto Bismol dance you ask? It is broken down into four steps. You can follow along at home if you have no respect for yourself or this existence.
1. Nausea: Put both hands to the mouth, simulating that you about to puke your guts out. The actors in the commercial convincingly bulge out their cheeks to convey that they are full of putrid vomit.
2. Heartburn: Put both hands over your heart and pretend the fiery pitchfork of Satan himself is being thrust into your organ. Hopefully this will happen to Pepto Bismol's marketing staff very soon after signing the pact with the Devil for this commercial.
3. Indigestion: Both hands go over the stomach and act like you are going to shit your guts out.
4. Diarrhea: Shit your guts out. Put your hands on your buttocks so you can spread them wide and shoot a full liquid jet of foaming feces. I wish I was kidding, but they really do these moves.
The first time I saw the commercial, they did the dance twice. My jaw slammed into the floor, breaking into the apartment below mine and killing a family of four. The next few times were shortened versions of the commercial. Apparently the dislike of the ad was so unanimous and thunderous that they decided to cut the commercial to a quick 15 seconds in the hope that the audience wouldn't have time to properly register what insanity they just witnessed. This is a special case where the horror caused by this commercial goes beyond just being bad, and should be considered a hate crime. I almost feel incensed enough to write a letter to Pepto Bismol, but I'm far too unmotivated for something like that.
No matter how witty or well thought-out commercials are, I will have a disdain for them because they are trying to sell me shit I don't need or want. Not once in my life have I seen a commercial and run out to the store to get it just because of the advertisement. I guess there are enough gullible people out there who see a floating magic Big Mac on their TV and instantly jump out of their window and run to their local McDonald's. I know you are saying, "Hey Frolixo, why don't you shut your pie hole and buy a Tivo system. Faggot." I would really love to buy one, but I really wouldn't use it that much, so I must learn to live with these mind-crippling commercials. Such is life in consumer America. Where's the beef, i'm gellin, swoops there it is!