Society of Amateur Time Travelers Historical Updates for 16 November
Hark! We are the Society of Amateur Time Travelers. Our mission is to study the past and future firsthand, to watch the great events of time as they unfold before our eyes. We strive not only to observe history in the making, but to right any wrongs that transcend the boundaries of time, and of course those perpetrated by nefarious rival time travelers. Should a Society member alter history, we will fix that alteration for the good of humanity.
We keep extensive records of alterations to the timeline as they occur. Society members are advised to check this log upon return from past or future, and certainly before departing the present.
- Society member Jerry corrected an earlier accidental deviation, successfully purging the whole "Too Many Lincolns" fiasco from history.
- R.I.P.: Society member Alan, who was bit by a snake on the Oregon Trail.
- Society rival Brad caused Hitler's mustache to revert back to the tiny square one again, instead of the thick cowboy mustache he's always had.
- Congratulations to Society member Ryan, who went back in time to finish high school.
- Heads up: Society member Doug went into the future and watched the series finale of Breaking Bad. He is hereby ordered to remain quiet under threat of expulsion.
- R.I.P.: Veteran Society member Brian. He accidentally erased himself from existence attempting to prevent the cancellation of Stargate.
- Society member Jeff successfully purged his own fossilized remains from the fossil record by traveling back to the Cambrian period and delivering an asthma inhaler to his older self, saving himself from recorded doom.
- After an extensive temporal audit, Society elders have certified that the "Ceasar's Motorbike" incident has now been completely erased from the timeline.
- Society member Martin misadjusted the Titanic's travel schedule, causing it to crash into three additional icebergs before sinking. Members are advised not to watch the movie "Titanic" until this anomaly has been fixed.
- Society member Robert should no longer appear in the background of Sandro Botticelli's painting "The Birth of Venus." As punishment for defacing the picture, he is forbidden from traveling more than 100 years backwards or forwards for the next 30 days.
- New recruit Ajay is almost fully healed from his terrifying ordeal. As you may recall, he was bitten on the ankle by a rabid possum while exploring a Roanoke forest in 1585.
- Society member Rick successfully went back in time to prevent Society member Greg from accidentally causing Eli Whitney to die of a massive heart attack moments before inventing the cotton gin. A reminder: Members are advised not to tell any historical figure about anime, steampunk or anything from the future in general. The shock can cause huge repercussions.
- Society members corrected a catastrophic future where cyborg killdrones controlled the world. We traced the source of the deviation back to Feudal Japan, where Society member Taylor dropped his iPod on the ground after getting kneed in the groin by an Asian girl he was trying to talk to.
- Society member Martin fixed a minor hiccup in history when he inadvertently introduced the concept of "high fiving" to ancient Greece, leading to a glut of regrettable (but pretty cool) painted pottery and sculpture. That has all been erased.
- Urgent: Has anyone seen Society member Ralph? He was last seen heading to England circa 1066, and hasn't been heard from since. He left his diabetes medicine in the clubhouse in the present.
- Society member Dennis is recovering from severe radiation burns to the roof of his mouth incurred when he went back in time to use an expired pizza coupon, then brought the pizza to the present, where its atoms became superheated and unstable.
- It appears that finicky Society rival Jeremy Chronos delivered on his threat of eliminating green beans from the timeline. Do not mention green beans any further, as the world no longer remembers them. Society member Carl has vowed to hunt down Jeremy Chronos as a baby, to prevent him from growing up and altering the timeline.
- R.I.P.: Society member and atheist BBQ organizer Shawn was eaten by a lion while attempting to prove Christ never existed.
- R.I.P.: Society member Guillermo was eaten by the very same lion trying to prevent the death of Shawn.
- R.I.P.: Society member Mark was eaten by the mother of the abovementioned lion while attempting to kill it as a cub to save Shawn and Guillermo.
- Society member Jeff (the older version of himself) accidentally walked in on a naked Benjamin Franklin and is taking some time off to recover.