Video game cover stars never truly receive recognition; for all we know, that old guy from the Phalanx box is currently in a nursing home and being ignored by his family. He remembers the one shining moment of his life: "Casting call. Wanted: Scrawny hillbilly elder. Bearded. BYOB (Bring Your Own Banjo)" But he cannot remember his name. And how about those guys on the front of Rival Turf? Maybe one of them is in porn. Box art celebs tend to fade into obscurity in spooky old houses like the one movie where the old lady pushes the other old lady down the stairs in a wheelchair. So ultimately, we don't know their lives beyond that one snapshot in time. I have decided to rectify this problem by devoting the last ten years of my life to finding the whereabouts of the actors on the box for the NES game Anticipation. What follows are my results and a dark look into the human soul.
Chaz used his winning smile and Beau Bridges charisma to break into the infomercial industry. There he affected a British accent he half-learned from Dick van Dyke in Mary Poppins, which increased his TVQ ratings marginally. You may remember some of his products: Carrot Peel Genie, Soup Skinner, Bean Ninja, Bean Ninja Deluxe, and The Beer Towel. The latter would sow the seeds of his destruction, as the battery powered Beer Towel would often catch fire when exposed to alcohol -- which was necessary for the product to perform its essential function. Barkly now lives in a group home.
Known as "The Black Widow" of Seattle's grunge movement, Killian dated Kurt Cobain briefly and informed him of the concept of suicide. She bore his child, Jemimah Cornsquash Whorf-Cobain, who now suffers the mental problems that come from being named this. Killian's most recent modeling job can be seen in the latest issue of Girls and Corpses, where she is being made love to violently by a skeleton. In her spare time, she teaches a class about MySpace customization at the Brogden Adult Learning Center.
With a his thick headful of hair, James was ready to take on the world. He did, with a 12-year run in "Glad Times: An Original Musical Revue Not Affiliated with Paramount Television." In it, he played one of the three singing Fonzies that brought out patrons' meals during the 40-minute intermission. The show received rave reviews from local church picnic groups, with Leslie DeMark of the Church Picnic Weekly proclaiming, "Glad Times helps PASS the time!"
After landing the Fall '89 JC Penney Catalog back cover (the Christmastime Adult Pajama Set), Vlance set his sights on the big leagues: J. Crew. Though he started in the mail room, posing in outerwear next to mail, he soon worked his way next to the office of Mr. James Crew himself. Though history will not remember the 2 months in the nineties when half-shirts paired with one-legged jeans were popular, thanks to the Internet, humanity will never forget.
"Cocaine. It's a helluva drug." This line was once spoken by Mr. Richard James, one of Susanne's favorite recording artists. Susanne often listens to "Superfreak" during her daily volunteering visits at the soup kitchen, where she feeds the hungry and absorbs the black madness seeping from their minds. When asked how she could stay so chipper when exposed to the dregs of the world, Susanne explained "I'm actually poisoning them... with LOVE." She then tore out a page of the bible and dropped it into a pot of boiling stew.
Tarah graduated from business school in 1992 and started the franchise Materny's: The Clothing Store for Women Who Want to Look Pregnant. As the saying went, "Am I pregnant? I'll never tell. I'm a Materny's girl!" Materny's stores popped up around the nation until 1998, when the world's fashion superpowers realized how hideous they had been making women for the past 15 years. And even women so desperate for the attention that comes with possible pregnancy eventually moved on to fads like Beanie Babies and assisted suicide.
Steve studied stand-up comedy under Dave "Cut it Out" Coulier, until Mr. Coulier realized Mr. Hempel had been sneaking into Dave's house to read books under his bed at night. So Steve began studying in prison to be a public speaker, and now tours high schools across the country with "Hold It! Don't Touch that Celebrity! A Rap Session About Celebsession." During the 3-hour presentation, Hempel "gets real" about celebrity worship, and shows how making an innocent scrapbook can easily lead to stabbing a famous person during a nationally televised tennis match.
Blood. So much blood. It was detective Frank Conroy's 32nd year on the force and he had never seen so much blood. "Split gully to gullet. Now how could a pretty little thing end up like this?" He spat his toothpick at a passing policeman. "Drug deal gone bad?" The policeman nodded. Frank lit up a cigarette in annoyance. "No, kid. You got it all wrong. I got my own theories. Some say it was the murder that killed her. I say it was the
Tucker Carlson's idiot brother just called New York mayor Bill de Blasio's spokeswoman a "LabiaFace."
Hey, have you guys ever seen a picture of a cat before? Well, guess what. It’s your lucky day, because I’m mixing the concept of a picture of my cat with the concept of the Internet!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.