This article is part of the Society of Amateur Time Travelers series.

Hark! You are reading a confidential and highly classified document intended exclusively for members of the Society of Amateur Time Travelers. We are the guardians of time, traveling from distant past to far future, to observe key moments in history and protect the timeline from meddlesome hands.

Below you is today's activity log. Society brothers, study this before departing the present to keep abreast of historical alterations.

  • Society member Clarence is recovering from ferocious bites to the legs and buttocks he received while attempting to interview H. G. Wells.
  • Society member Burt fixed a very miniscule and hardly noteworthy historical deviation in the timeline that caused Emily Dickinson to be devoured by a Tyrannosaurus rex.
  • Society member Ronald apologized for causing a race of swampmen to evolve and overthrow the human race in 1928. Society members Greg and Jerry fixed it, but are currently in quarantine until all the eggs they ate hatch or pass safely.
  • Society member Steve is recovering from a broken heart. Steve went back in time to try to prevent his girlfriend from breaking up with him, but accidentally cheated on her with his younger self.
  • Society members Pete and Rick managed to travel back in time and rescue Society member Mark from Alcatraz, where he had been stuck for six hours after he missed the last tour boat of the day.
  • Society member Guillermo cleaned up that whole "Egyptian Global Empire" mess by preventing his younger self from giving the secret of nacho cheese to Ramses II. Please update all of Wikipedia accordingly.
  • R.I.P. Society member Huey, killed tragically when his inflatable raft overturned and he fell into the primordial soup.
  • Society member Travis is on suspension for leaving "Ron Paul Revolution" stickers all over ancient Greece.
  • Society rival Jeremy Chronos made good on his threat of ruining the Star Wars prequels. Instead of the dark, gritty films we loved, he has altered the timeline to replace them with corny, unspeakable garbage.
  • After extensive historical edits, Society elders were able to undo the damage caused by Society member Brad when he accidentally broke the first prototype of the Gutenberg Printing Press, setting learning and cultural development back hundreds of years. Brad was trying to print the first Brony fan fiction in recorded history, but his zealousness led to carelessness with an important piece of equipment.
  • Society member Prometheus is hereby suspended indefinitely for creating a dumb myth about himself.
  • We are pleased to announce that penicillin is back on the menu. Society member Rod briefly erased it from history, causing massive death, when he mistakenly ate a bunch of mold from Alexander Fleming's lab.
  • Thanks to some quick temporal repair work by Society member Alan, William Shakespeare is no longer considered the creator of ALF.
  • An unfortunate temporal anomaly where the Confederates won the Civil War has been corrected. The mishap occurred when Society member Chad went back in time to prevent his stepfather Roger from finding his porn collection and grounding him.
  • Society member Jared is recovering from the 1500-year-old pork he ate yesterday. Please be careful bringing food back from the past.
  • Society member Darrel is recuperating from a harrowing ordeal in which Viking explorer Leif Ericson captured him and took him as a wife. He has since gotten a haircut.
  • Society member Gerald succeeded in preventing Society rival Jeremy Chronos from replacing Barack Obama's birth certificate with an instruction manual for Doom II.
  • Society members Jerry and Shawn teamed up to remove the mummy curse that caused crows and ravens to constantly menace Teddy Roosevelt.
  • Please tread carefully around Society brother Charlie, who has not yet recovered psychologically from his weekend encounter with the Marquis de Sade and a naked time-traveling Benjamin Franklin.


– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • The Fandangling Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    The Fandangling Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    'We’re going to be in trouble!' Little Sister wailed, clutching her favorite book to her chest and sobbing. 'This isn’t fun like a story anymore!' But Big Sister was not listening, she was thinking. She grabbed Little Sister’s book from her and ran into town, yelling 'Help! A book made me and my sister hurt someone!'

  • Enter: the Lead Loremaster

    Enter: the Lead Loremaster

    I've been wanting to meet you all for the past few weeks, but I guess I cut an intimidating figure. I'm the new guy, with the cool job you've all surely been gossiping about. Yep, I'm the Lead Loremaster, and I'm here to enrich everything we do with much-needed lore.

About this series

We are the Society of Amateur Time Travelers. Our mission is to study the past and future firsthand, to watch the great events of time as they unfold before our eyes. We strive not only to observe history in the making, but to right any wrongs that transcend the boundaries of time, and of course those perpetrated by nefarious rival time travelers. Should a Society member alter history, we will fix that alteration for the good of humanity.

Other articles in this series

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.