At a Glance: I never thought I would live to see the day that a game surpassed Sin in badness. Today I am eating my words, as this is the worst game I have ever played. Bokosuka Wars is about an eternal war between good and evil, where "good" is represented by one fashionable white-and-blue-striped ninja and "evil" is represented by hordes of identical ninjas in multicolored suits. You play the one with fashion sense and float around the pitch black landscape, fighting drunken evil ninjas until all of them are dead. Then you are victorious! When you are done playing this game, please don't try to stick your finger in your eye. It doesn't solve anything.
Platform: NES (Download Emulator here - 192k)
Download: Download ROM here - 19k
Game Plot: I thought that if I watched the looping demos in the beginning I would be able to figure out some of the plot. Sadly, there is only one looping video, and it is of the unnamed ninja, drunk again, wandering aimlessly about the landscape. He finally breaks his leg or something and stops at the bottom forever. So there really is no plot and the enemies have no connection whatsoever to anything that could be a plot. All of the enemies in the game seem to be drunk and float about the land with no intention of ever doing anything. If you should encounter one of these men, it is obvious that you must float into them and start a battle. The battles are brief and you control no aspect of them. The square you once occupied flashes "B", the a picture of two crossing swords, blank space, and finally an explosion which kills either you or your enemy. The winner is completely random. I've lost on the first guy or one somewhere in the middle. If you die, you are treated to the infamous "WOW! YOU LOSE!" screen, featuring you and three other guys floating across the screen in shame, followed closely by the evil boss. Damn him!
Weapons: You get only a sword in this game, but there may also be a shield he's holding. It isn't magical, but if you walk up to some bushes, I think the sword makes a warrior come out of them. This guy will follow you around and die for you. The enemies seem to be hold a flail or whip, but it looks like an extension of their arms. This would make sense considering they all look alike and must be the products of flawed genetic engineering.
Enemies: There are three enemies in the entire game and they all fight the same. There are purple cauliflowers dressed up in karate outfits, ready for battle. Other ones include an orange ninja with green pants and a yellow sword, and a purple monstrosity with a whip for a hand. That's it. You face hordes of the same monsters over and over again, all drunkenly wandering about the area. The purple ones, I think, were supposed to be the hardest, but I had the same success rate against them as with the others.
Number of Levels: There is only one level, but if you continue to the left, you will keep going into infinity (the game is only 20k) or until your "M" count runs out, causing you to get the "WOW! YOU LOSE" screen. However, there may be some more levels, I never solved the first. I got too frustrated with it to continue.
Number of Bosses: The level contained no boss, not even the man that chases you around at the "YOU LOSE!" screen. I want my revenge on that bastard for wasting my time.
Defining Moment: I think the defining moment was one I first loaded it up and died at the first guy I faced. It went all downhill from there. I got so tired of that losing screen that I stuck my finger into my eye socket, past my eye, into my brain, and swirled it around. It really didn't solve any of my problems, though, and only created new ones. On the plus side, however, I couldn't see the game any more, and had a moment of peace. Once I realized that you get only one life, no health, no extra weapons, no "army" to fight the "war", no boss fights, no traps, no water, no landscapes or backgrounds, no sound beside the terrible music, no continues, and no way to win the game, I decided to stop playing and write this review. The game has left me with only a patched up skull, a headache, and a $100 dollar debt to pay to my psychiatrist. I only played it for an hour or so, but even that was a gigantic waste of time. Time that could have been spent devoting my life to erasing this game from the face of the earth.
Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).