12/22/10 COMBM-40321: Improved venting technology in Pizzeria Pretzel filling assembly chamber to prevent further explosions. Previous explosions may have been due to introduction of pressurized pepperoni gas into highly flammable petroleum-based marinara wax.
12/22/10 COMBM-40322: Replaced old pulverizer in gelatin manufacture process with newer model, the Triple Crown 5000. Any horseshoes stuck in machine will now be homogenized along with hooves. Recommend revising nutrition info to include 40% RDA of iron.
12/23/10 COMBM-40323: Responding to reports of whining and knocking sounds, found employee Joshua Boruff trapped inside Zesty Salsa Tortilla salsazation aerosol bulwark. Vital signs appear normal, but looks like Han Solo in Mexican carbonite.
1/03/11 COMBM-40324: Followed up on reports of strange noises coming from red flavor cauldron #8. Removed family of otters, but area requires additional work. Still need advisement from HQ regarding supernatural implications of evicting coven of witches.
1/03/11 COMBM-40325: Discovered source of recent mass illness in the Nacho Cheese production line. Nacho Cheese filling product is 65% castor oil; ricin gas is a byproduct of castor bean production. Recommend venting ricin gas outside factory, rather than directly into employees' faces.
1/04/11 COMBM-40326: Addressed reported oil hypersaturation issue in triple-hydrogenating process. Nutrition information for all standing Combos inventory should reduce serving size to .01 piece, as each Combo produced before this fix contains 32,600 calories and weighs 8 pounds.
1/04/11 COMBM-40327: Found trace residue of human skin tissue in Cheese Burger Cracker materials. Tracked problem down to employees abusing grill-line brander for hazing and masculinity-testing purposes. Human parts content still well within FDA guidelines, but recommend rebranding as "Smokey Southwestern Mesquite Pork" due to noticeable flavor difference.
1/04/11 COMBM-40328: Retrofitted cheese salinization vat filters to comply with HQ cost-cutting directive. Please note that this change may need to be reversed in the future; sea monkey eggs may currently be less expensive than salt, but this may not always be the case.
1/05/11 COMBM-40329: Fixed a leak in the superheated flavor gas tubes. Escaped pepperoni plasma was likely cause of aurora borealis phenomenon observed above factory.
1/05/11 COMBM-40330: Per HQ directive, retrofitted cracker dough fermentation mixer to accept agar-based thickening agents. Combos can now apply for kosher certification, since they no longer require the use of pork gum, camel gelatin or hyrax caulk.
1/05/11 COMBM-40331: Resolved issue of citrus-like flavor present in Cheddar Cheese Pretzel and Cheddar Cheese Cracker fillers. Problem was due to clogged filter in Fanta denaturing apparatus used to extract pure orangium molecules for cheese coloring.
1/05/11 COMBM-40332: Advised advanced materials division to cease usage of runoff materials from unlicensed Cambodian sex reassignment surgery to add legal basis for "no trans fat" claims.
1/06/11 COMBM-40333: Aborted third attempt to double the pressure in pineapple dessication chamber after two of my technicians were blinded. It may be time to face the reality that Hawaiian Pizza Combos are beyond our technological capabilities. Suggest reattempt in 2017.
1/07/11 COMBM-40334: Punctured diesel line above cheddar emulsion vat. Similar leak was patched last month, but HQ requested repuncture due to overwhelming customer complaints that Combos no longer had "that Combos flavor."
1/07/11 COMBM-40335: Sprayed light uranium mist in pretzel silage casks to combat algal bloom. Advise reintroducing birth defect warning language that appeared on Combos packaging from 1996 to 1998.
1/10/11 COMBM-40336: Sealed off nacho waste runoff hatch. Since EPA will no longer let us dump toxic nacho mercury slurry into rivers, it must be stored in barrels until a buyer can be found. Already entertaining a bid from Frito-Lay, who want to dustify it for use in planned "Cheetos XTreme" line.
Thanks to Greg Pollock for additional jokesmanship.
The CEO of Lobstero, makers of the expensive home Lobster System, responds to recent unfavorable headlines about hand-squeezing a lobster out of one of the company's Lobster Packs.
Should you call someone a Nazi? The answer will surprise you.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.