State Og Update: 11.29.03
Welcome once again to State Og, the internet's #1 destination for sausage enthusiasts! Thanks this week go to Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson (full of tinier men) and Brett "Nimmo" Hurban (not yet, not....yet).
Piratron 3000 Servandroidbot
Hey, do you know what’s better than having your own butler? Having your own butler who works for nothing more than the satisfaction of a job well done and the tiny, tiny spark of hope that comes with knowing that satisfactory service will likely result in a less savage daily beating! Now imagine having a butler who not only works for free, but is also a 17th century pirate, and you have our new product: the Piratron 3000 Servantandroidbot. We’re hoping that this name keeps any modern would-be abolitionist from realizing we really are selling actual people into slavery.
State Og doesn’t just use its time machines to send robots back into the past to kill historical figures anymore. We now send them back to harvest your ancestors as slaves and also to plant fake fossil evidence just to make the debate between evolutionists and creationists more interesting. [Think about how foolish all those paleontologists and anthropologists are going to look when they discover “evidence” that the town of Bedrock was real. That’ll learn ‘em for spreading their wicked theories of evilution. – Editor] We’ve chosen to kidnap pirates, because their unique skill-set gives them several key advantages as butlers in today’s wacky computerized world.
Pirates love Toucan Son of Sam, and they will often spend hours at a time pondering why something that looks nothing like a toucan is called Toucan Son of Sam.
What are the advantages of having an unwilling pirate for a butler? Well, honestly, there aren’t any, unless you’re suicidal, or if you also own the State Og Anti-Mutiny and Pirate Pacification Kit which turns any buccaneer into the perfect servant. With this kit you get a three-month supply of rum that is laced with four chemicals that reduce violent tendencies and six chemicals that do just the opposite. Also included is a robotic parrot named Toucan Son of Sam who will tell your pirate, among many insane and confusing stories, that you know the whereabouts of several large caches of buried treasure and that you are worth more to him alive than dead . . . at least for now. Not only does Toucan Son of Sam feed your pirate a steady stream of misinformation and lies, he also automatically starts singing boisterous sea chanties whenever he sees the pirate trying to sleep. How Festive!
We guarantee it as an undeniable and empirical fact: you won’t find a saltier seadog of a butler than our new Piratron 3000 Servantdroidbot. Buy one today and we'll put your name on a special list, to make sure State Og from the future doesn't travel back from their time to enslave you.
State Og Acknowledges the Holidays
Apparently it is good marketing to seem a festive and happy company. Therefore this is a friendly acknowledgment of THE HOLIDAY SEASON. State Og is happy for the fact that you can forget about all of your worries this THE HOLIDAY SEASON. You can forget about all of your lawsuits that you have going (possibly against State Og), and your idiot co-workers; and just sit down and enjoy your beautiful family.
Yes, THE HOLIDAY SEASON is near perfect. You can feel the love in the air this THE HOLIDAY SEASON just as you can every THE HOLIDAY SEASON. That is because families all across the country are rejoicing just like yours. Your neighbor’s family, your boss’s family, your first girlfriend’s family. I wonder how she’s doing?
Remember how beautiful she was? Those were some amazing blue eyes weren’t they? And that hair…that hair. Damn, she was a cute little thing, and she could sure cook. Her muscular and successful husband is probably enjoying a meal with her and their gorgeous, intelligent children right now. There is also a good chance that they had the best sex ever last night, and she probably always compares the sex to yours since you were her first.
And what about your neighbor’s family? They are probably outside right now looking at Jeb’s new car while yours conveniently sits dirty in your driveway for comparison. And then they will all talk about how poorly you maintain your yard and how much you hurt their property value. And I’m sure your neighbors will be having the best sex of their life tonight also. And it’s likely that your neighbor will be comparing his wife’s performance to your wife’s.
Yes, happiness abounds this THE HOLIDAY SEASON and things are no different here in the State Og family. We are celebrating THE HOLIDAY SEASON just as you do. Only we have more money, no worries, and party all year round anyway; so we wouldn’t even notice the holidays if it weren’t for the increased sales of whatever our hot new item is. (This year it’s Poison Dart Frog Scented Air Fresheners) You people will buy anything and we thank you for it. Until I feel like speaking to any of you again, have a happy THE HOLIDAY SEASON.- State Og Representative