As I type this, the State Og boys are peacefully sleeping under their desks, their bellies full of Halloween candy and punch which was spiked with jet fuel (I've got some internal combustion theories that I want to work on later). For now, all is quiet here at State Og, and we hope you enjoyed the holiday. Thanks this week go to Aaron"Elcybergoth" young (Kid), Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson (Play), and Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (Kid's frighteningly large and sentient hair).
Caring is Creepy
When government officials sit us down at trials, senate hearings, and other fun get-togethers, the question that always seems to come up is, "don't you people have any respect for human life?" It's an appalling and insulting question to be asked on a biweekly basis, and our official response remains the same every time: whip out the ray guns and get to blasting.
But amid all that whimsical slaughter it sometimes occurs to us that we may not be doing enough to better the lives of our fellow man. In fact, we might even be hurting feelings! State Og will not let this kind of disregard for precious feelings to go on! We promise with hands upon our still, black hearts (literally) that our products will only help people from now on! It's the dawn of a wonderful new age where the world is safe for children, and puppies need never fear our low selling
but beloved Puppy Juicer 3000!
The first step on the road to massive quantities of joy and delicious candy is helping our consumers become healthier than they already are. A great deal of market research shows that two concerns weigh heavily on the consumer mind: dental hygiene and weight loss. When we poked the consumer mind with pencils we also found that it wasn't fond of oozing wounds to exposed brain tissue, and when we poked it with hot needles we found that the consumer mind was also big on screaming. It's amazing what research can turn up!
We combined this amazing data in wonderful and frightening new ways, coming up with Hagman's Own Salad Dressing! This low-fat high fiber dressing is perfect for any salad, sandwich, steak, block of cheddar, bar mitzvah, lightly battered orphan, other salad dressing, or bowl of leafy greens. Sponsored by long-time Dallas favorite Larry Hagman, this dressing is not only the perfect food, it's also the perfect toothpaste! That's right: clean as you chew! Your meal will not only be delicious, but also foaming and minty! The top of your head will melt off somehow before you get a gum disease!
Our customers need never worry about cavities or fat asses again, and thanks to our new policy, they need never worry about harmful side effects! Because we won't tell them! That's peace of mind you can take to your grave even as the coroners attempt to cram your swollen digestive tract back inside your body.
Hey mobsters, do you ever get the feeling that organized crime is getting just a little too organized? Do the parts of your job that once brought you so much joy now seem trite, and resemble the 9-to-5 doldrums you sought to avoid with your special career path? The agents of State Og feel for you, because we understand how around your eightieth kneecapping or assassination, the gleeful magic you once felt during the act slips away. Well, State Og has a few products to help rekindle that spark you use to feel for your romantic and proud profession.
Our new line of stationery products for the violent criminal, along with our professional editing service, will help you add a touch of artistic flair to all of your ransom notes and death threats. You no longer have to bore your victims and their families with dull straight-to-the-point messages comprised of letters cut out of several newspapers. Now you can wow them with high prose printed on top quality vellum – suitable for framing!
You won’t just look stylish wearing our new State Og black leather jacket... you’ll sound stylish! That’s because this amazing product features a built-in MP3 player and our new faux-virtual-pseudo surround sound leather-speaker technology. It looks just like a leather jacket, but it blasts out music as you wear it. Now you can shed blood and intimidate scabs to the rhythm of your very own real life theme music. It can play any song you want, as long as it’s “Safety Dance” by Men Without Hats, which is the only song the jacket will play.
These are just a few of the products we hope you, the organized crime community, will enjoy, because State Og sees you as a valuable ally. Just stay away from our turf or the last thing you’ll hear is the haunting blare of, “We can dance if we want to. We can leave your friends behind. 'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance, well, they're no friends of mine."
As we all know, eating junk food and whatever wanders within range of your flabby arms takes a toll on your pink and squishy insides over time. After a certain point, you simply need to flush the bad out for good, or at least until you eat an entire jar of peanut butter again. While other companies offer the same old enema kits that you've used a thousand times for just this purpose, State Og goes the extra mile. We know our customers have come to expect excitement, and that's exactly what they'll get when they purchase State Og's Enema 4000. The 4000 stands for... something!
Instead of the gentle and -let's face it- boring cleansings found in competing products, Enema 4000 will give you the ride of a lifetime. Simply run the included wire-bristled brush under scalding hot water, then insert and twist! All that bleeding lets you know it's working! If you manage to maintain consciousness throughout an entire cleansing session, simply dispose of the brush and soak in a lemon-juice bath until the pain subsides. Congratulations, now you're lemon fresh! Time to dive headfirst into your new and healthy life, or at least shuffle toward it with your knees clenched together.- State Og Representative
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
State Og... what is it? Who knows! Where do they operate? No clue! All we know is they're fairly evil, and nobody dares question the might of State Og!