I recently posted a very unreasonable, unrealistic, and unbelievable Everquest Cleric Petition. If you've ever played EQ for a fair amount of time, you'll undoubtedly realize how completely bizarre and stupid this "petition" is. For those of you who have no EQ experience, here's a brief summary of the thing:

  • The Cleric (healing) class should be able to cast the most powerful level 50 Wizard spell at level 20.
  • Clerics should be given unreasonably powerful pets.
  • Clerics should be given the best weapons.
  • Clerics should be given invulnerable.
  • Clerics should be given the best of everything for free (and at a low level).

The "petition" was so incredibly fake and bogus that nobody in their right mind could believe it to be real. Well, except for 70% of Everquest players who wrote in.

Yup, over 70% of the emails I received (89 out of 127) were from people that had no clue this petition was bogus. Many of these letters were foul-mouthed, misspelled flames full of run-on sentences and grade school grammar. Don't believe me? Well check out some of the results from the "Everquest Cleric Petition Prank".


Hail and Well Met! Here's Your Flame, Bitch

From: "Laurin Beckhusen"

Subject: (No subject)

yo are a fucking idoit dumbass you are making up soem dam fucking stupid ass shit

I would say this guy might be talking this way because he's in roleplaying mode, but I don't seem to remember an "Idiot" class in Everquest.

From: Tony Kardashinetz

Subject: your damn rant

seriously...are you on crack? you want Verant to give clerics equivalent weapons to that of PURE MELEE classes that CAN'T cast at all. of course they need high damage weapons nimrod. also...you want the cleric class to get equivalent spells of wizards? and you say this would BALANCE the game? all you are supposed to do is sit your ass down, heal people, and maybe throw in a stun or two and a small DD spell. THE WHOLE POINT OF CLERICS IS TO HEAL...NOT melle or do DD spells. that's why they are clerics. and as for the flaming weapon thing. just shut up i have heard lots of stupid rants, but this is the most idiotic thing ever.

yours truly

Gafgarion 30th monk

Bristlebain

What's wrong with a flaming weapon? There's more than enough room for two flaming things in Everquest.

From: "Chris Simpkins"

Subject: Wow

That is the most BS petition i have ever seen for any change in EverQuest. Basically, you want clerics HEAVILY outweigh any class by far in everything. Might i sugguest keeping balance in mind before coming up with such an unrealistic petition next time. I can't belive EQ-Vault would even post information regarding this and making me waste my time.

Well, at least he got the first part right. It was "the most BS petition".

From: "From: "[-NoM|S-]"

Subject: Cleric Petition

I play a cleric... This is the WORSE, I said WORSE STUPID petition I never saw, I never saw..... You just want to take a cleric and turn him like a gods... I could take each of your point and destroyed them... I think I'll send that to Verant.. No Point... Smite and better weapon are good to petition but HELL... Give one on your other demand to cleric and a COMPLETE class is useless. I don't know what to tell more.. I'm so shock...

Me of no understanding your petition because I LEARNED ENGLISH FROM WATCHING SOEM JERRY SPRINGER...

From: Elliott Meeke

Subject: ARE YOU FREAKING NUTS??????

Ok , i agree with points 1-5 and 7 but COME ON! Infinite sow? summoning monsters to kill coz yur too lazy to hunt? Free spells? INNORUK AND HILL GIANTS AS PETS? NEVER DYING? WARRIOR CLASS MELEE ATTCKS! I think you are just being greedy . You dont want clerics to be balanced - you want them to be super charachters . I mean are on smack or something? verant will NEVER EVER IN A MILLION DRUG CRAZED YEARS let you have any of that crazy crap . Jeeeeeeeeeeeeesus Christ . Get a grip on reality

He agreed with points 1-5? That says enough right there.

From: Weapons-Inc

Subject: WTF!

This is the stupid shit I have ever heard. You are an idoit and a disgrace to the cleric kind. Clerics aren't a tanking class. They heal. That si their purpose in life. No to melee or to cast spells that go good damage. If you want SoW, decent dmg spells then go toa Druid. Yes you takie a step back in healign but you get everything except melee. Your an idoit for even thing about this crap.

Tip: Before sending an email accusing somebody of being an "idiot", make sure you know how to spell the word. That is the stupid shit I have ever heard.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

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